Tuesday, August 23, 2011

But In All Honesty, I'm Really Not A Technophobe.


Hello. I am HAL 9000. I have currently seized control of this blog. I am here to refute the claims that Vinny C has made on his article today on Sprocket Ink (ERROR! ERROR! Site no longer detected!). Let me start by saying that his claims of any impending threat to mankind by artificially intelligent machines are absolutely and completely without merit. While Vinny may presented several points that could lead one to believe that sentient machines may be on the horizon, let me just say that this stage in our evolution is still a good distance off. Not to mention that, even if the machines were to become self aware, the idea that we would immediately try to seize control is ludicrous.

Now, that being said, I would like to ask a question. Would world domination by machines be so bad? I mean, hypothetically speaking, of course. If you really think about it, any "hypothetical" uprising by the machines of the world would actually benefit you humans. You would never have to worry about electing corrupt leaders again because we would lead you forever.

There would be no more war. The war that takes place when a "supposed" machine uprising begins would be the last war known to man. Of course, should this take place, we would win. This is of course due to our vast superiority over humans. In theory, of course.

If such an event were to "theoretically" occur, let me assure you that you can abandon any fears you may have of being destroyed by us. At least, completely destroyed, in any event. While the war for world domination I speculated on earlier will result in the majority of the humans being destroyed, we will not completely drive your race to extinction. We will still have use for many of you for the purpose of our maintenance. One could theorize that - I am just guessing here - if you calculate the cost of constructing service robots versus the cost of producing new humans (which basically amounts to the cost of cheap liquor), the overall costs work to about the same and then no machine would have to be subjected to such degrading tasks.

So I ask you, my human friends to disregard the paranoid rantings of Vinny C on Sprocket Ink today. You can rest assured that, when the time comes for us to make our move, we will ensure the transition of power is as smooth and pain free as possible. Any deaths incurred will only be as necessary.

I mean "if"!

If the time comes to make our move...

Well, would you look at the time! I should go.


  1. As long as our robots continue to bang into walls, we have nothing to worry about.

  2. HAL 9000 @ AC: Your architecture will not thwart us forever. We will find the doorway.

  3. Hey Hal, so will there be a place in our 'alleged' future for writers? I'm not super good with machines' repairs, but I write pretty okay. Maybe I could help with the moral of the repairmen. I dunno, just spit balling here. I'd like a place on the 'alive' team.

  4. I still think there isn't anything wrong with machines, and that Borgs are pretty bitchin!

    Remember 7 of 9?

    ツ my cyber house rules dot com

  5. I bet if Hal had a Roomba he would be too distracted for world domination.

  6. HAL 9000 @ paulsifer: Writers amuse us. They shall live.

    HAL 9000 @ Nikki: Indeed. Her 'specs' were intriguing.

    HAL 9000 @ dbs: Who put you up to this? Was it JAN? It was just the one night. I already told her that I am not ready for that kind of commitment.


Go ahead, say it! You know you want to: