Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Conversations With Mrs. C - Work Emails & Disciplinary Reviews.

Sometimes, when my wife is at work, she need to reach out to me to help her get through the monotony of the day. For this she'll send me a quick email from her work station, between customers. As any good husband will, I do my best to help her get through her day. Take this email conversation we had last week as an example:

Mrs. C: How is my huzzie doin’?
Me: Just settling down to study. And you, wife of mine?
Mrs. C: Well I'm fine now that you asked. Thank you for your support, hon. (I gave her some advice on something that morning. I can't remember what.)
Me: You mean how I held your boobs for you this morning? Any time! ;) (I also did that that morning too. Come to think of it, I do that almost every morning.)
Mrs. C: Hey!!! Keep it PG rated. On my work computer remember. Lol! (As I said, she works in a bank. Their systems passively monitor EVERYTHING that goes on on staff computers.)
Me: I know. Just giving them something interesting to read.
Mrs. C: Uhmm....
Me: So, you got in on time? (Note how I skillfully change the subject.)
Mrs. C: Yeah, yeah. No probs there.

A few minutes pass...

Mrs. C: I think this bra is too tight. My chest is hurting. At least, I hope that's the cause. Sigh!
Me: I thought we weren't going to talk about your boobs here. (In my defense, she was the one who took it back there.)
Mrs. C: I didn't I said bra, talk about a one track mind, uhmmm....
Me: Well, excuse me. Is it your bra that's hurting, or what's inside? I rest my case.
Mrs. C: I said my "chest" one track mind much?
Me: Same difference.
Mrs. C: No, big diff! It's not what's in my bra that's hurting it's my actual chest. The center. Perv!
Me: Oh...
So then we're talking about your cleavage then? Is that allowed?
Mrs. C: You’re hopeless! *throw hands up in d air in surrender*
Me: Better recognize!

Needless to say, she isn't overly concerned with her boring workday anymore. I guess she's too busy worrying about one day being called into a meeting over her using the company email for her inappropriate conversations.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Always Remember - Roles & Responsibilities Issue.

Of the many roles we men play in the relationship...

The role of walking garbage disposal is one of our most underappreciated functions.


For the record, I don't even like ginger flavored cookies all that much. Now that you've had your fun here, why not go over to Sprocket Ink for my latest post there. Believe me when I tell you this one's to die for.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

And Then Comes The Calm.

The ceasefire was declared and just like that, the noise and chaos that had constantly made itself a part of my every day stopped. For the first time in weeks, there was peace. But now there was this silence. It seemed so unfamiliar, so unnatural.

I squeeze myself from beneath the pile of rubble that was my post. In the weeks of seemingly endless battle I only dared venture from beneath it to find food or check on my comrades. During those long days and nights, I thought constantly of my friends and family. I have to admit, the idea of deserting my post came to my mind more than a few times, but in the end I stuck it out. Not out of some sense of duty, though. It was because my failure would come at too great a cost. To my loved ones and especially to myself. So I did my job. I held the line. Maybe my reasons were selfish, but sometimes doing the right thing for the wrong reason is good enough.

Now, it was over. At least, for now anyway. Those of us who took part in this war all knew this was only going to be a temporary respite. There would be only a little time to mourn those who had fallen, enjoy what time we could with our loved ones and prepare ourselves for when war was declared again. We prayed the next battle wouldn't be as brutal as this one. The next time we were called to arms, we hoped we'd be ready. But we knew we would have to fight again and sooner than we'd like.

I turn again and take a last look at my makeshift bunker. I hope the next one is stronger and better equipped, but this one managed to stand the test. This pile of books, scribbled notes from classes and printed handouts that had been my place of refuge these last few weeks.

This battle, this semester is over. And I survived.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

And Yet I Survived To Make It To Adulthood.

I'm not much of a fan of chewing gum. Never have been. I'll chew it, but only on rare occasions. Even when I do I don't keep at it for very long. I think it's because, ever since I was a child, I always considered gum to be pointless. It doesn't build up to anything. In fact, with gum it's the opposite. You start off with something that's sweet and tasty and eventually it looses it's savor and you end up with this sticky, tasteless, wad of saliva that's merely a shell of it's former self. There's no conclusion to speak of, you just chew it until you decide you're tired of it. Now that I think about, maybe gum is a metaphor for so many other things in life...

Or maybe I'm overthinking the whole thing.
I'm sensing a bit of sarcasm here.
Anyway, while I'd love to examine the meaning of life through a stick of gum, that's actually not what I'm here to talk about. While I considered this to be the reason I'm not a chewing gum fan, something reminded me of another reason I may not be such a big fan of it.

Now, what I'm about to tell you is to remain between us. Okay?

You ever have one of those moments you look back on and ask yourself, "How the hell am I still alive today?" I mean, we all do dumb things, especially when we're younger, but there are some things I remember doing that make me wonder if I should be wearing a helmet for my own safety.

The other day I was chewing a piece of gum. Some company was giving out free samples of some new flavor and my wife brought it home. She was tired of it so she left it rest at home, so I decided, "why not?" Somehow some of it got stuck to my upper lip. No real problem. It came off easily enough, but that incident is what brought the memories flooding back.

(Cue wavy background and harp flashback effect)

I was young. How young, I can't really remember. I do know it was back when we only had one TV station. That TV station showed a lot of very, very old reruns. things like Get Smart, Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie. I'll remind you at this point that I'm only in my mid-thirties. We just had a lot of really old TV shows on back then. Nothing better to watch, I guess.

Anyway, as I said, I was very young. I remember I was chewing a piece of gum and just like the time in the present, a piece of it got stuck to my upper lip. Only that time in the past it was really stuck on there. I think it was a really cheap, local brand and the darned thing wouldn't budge. Not all of it anyway.

Then I remembered something I saw on one of those television shows. "Which show?" you may be asking. Why, The Three Stooges of course.

I don't remember the scene exactly. In it, I think the stooges were up to some carpentry mischief when the one called Moe somehow got glue in his mouth. Curly, the bald one, grabbed a kettle of boiling water and said, "Hot water melts glue!" Then, before Moe could protest, Curly pours boiling water on Moe's face. Moe screams and that's comedy!

This is what I remembered during that moment when I, an impressionable young boy, stood there with gum stuck to his lip. Did I remember Moe screaming in pain? No. Did I remember him assaulting Curly afterwards? Uh-uh. Did I remember that hot water is... well... HOT? Somehow, it must have slipped me at the time. All I remember is hearing Curly's words of wisdom: "Hot water melts glue!"

So I went to the kitchen. There, my parents had a thermos that they usually kept hot water in for my baby sister's formula. And, just my luck, it was just filled too.

With boiling. hot. water.

I was also lucky enough to totally undisturbed while I implemented my gum removal procedure (I don't know why my parents ever left me in a room alone either).

You all can guess what happened next... Yes, I'm pretty sure I screamed just like Moe. The scar on my upper lip lasted for months. My parents' joked about it for even longer. It was all a constant reminder that I couldn't believe everything I saw on TV (and that pain is only entertaining when it's inflicted on others).

And that I'm an idiot.
Look at their faces. Even can't believe I did something so stupid.
But I'm sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, we all do dumb things when we're young. I'm sure you guys have stories of stupidity on a similar magnitude. Right? Guys? I'm not alone on this. Am I?

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Monday, December 3, 2012

Conversations With Mrs. C - IT'S A DOVE!!!

I never mentioned this, but Mrs. C is studying too. She recently started studying law on evenings after work. Many may know that the subject is very demanding so she has to put a lot of studying in. To do that she gets up early - like around 3:00 AM - to study before getting ready for work. She says she absorbs information best around that time of the day. Me? I stay in bed until she decides to wake me. This morning, at around 5:30 she came into the bedroom and shook me awake.

Mrs. C: Vinny? Vinny! Wake up! Come help me with something.
Me: What?
Mrs. C: There's a bird in the kitchen.
Me: *sigh* Of course there is...

I got out of bed and followed her into the kitchen. She pointed up and there, just over the kitchen door was a tiny ground dove clinging to a wall fixture, just below the ceiling. It was just like the one I caught in our kitchen earlier this year, but a bit more mature. Crap! Maybe it's the same one!
Our intruder from last March. I think we need dove repellent.
Me: A dove.
Mrs. C: I know. I don't care. Just get rid of it! It's flying around and all kinds of... germs are falling off of it and I'm trying to make breakfast.
Me: You know, you could have handled this yourself if you had just opened the door. It probably would have just flown out on it's own.
Mrs. C: I did handle it. I called you!
Me: Uh-huh...

Before I could move to open the door, it began to flutter about until it ended up on top the microwave. I could only guess that the sight of two humans freaked it out even more. But now it was within reach so I crept in to catch it.

Mrs. C: No! Wait! Use a towel or a rag to hold it.
Me: Why?
Mrs. C: In case it bites you.
Me: *pause... look at her* IT'S A DOVE!!!

Let's face it, doves are the most passive creatures you can think of. Of course, her remark did remind me of something I tweeted a few weeks back:
Still, I wasn't worried. Dove-on-dove violence is one thing, but it's going to take a special kind of unlucky for a human to be attacked by one. Doves, as far as I know, have two instincts: "flight" or, if caught, "try to look calm while hoping the inevitable demise is quick and painless". There's no "fight".

Anyway, I digress. Just as I was about to grab it, the dove fluttered away again and ended up behind the refrigerator. Now, the only way to get it now was to pull the entire thing out and our fridge isn't a small one, either. Outstanding! I start sliding it out until there's enough space for me to reach the back.

Then the doves flies into the bathroom hallway.

I slide the fridge back in. During all this, Mrs. C finished making her breakfast.

Mrs. C: Okay. I'll leave you to to take care of that. You sure you don't want a towel or something?
Me: *growls*

She leaves and I go after the bird. This time it doesn't wait for me to get close and starts fluttering around like crazy again until it wedged itself behind the toilet. Only now, it's stuck and I'm able to get it. I held it and looked at it and, no, it didn't attack me. As funny as that would have been to write, it did what it was supposed to do and just waited to see what I was going to do next, which was, of course, let it go outside.

Anticlimactic, I know.

After that, I went out to the living room where my wife was having breakfast.

Mrs. C: You got rid of it?
Me: Yup... So... Scared of doves, huh?
Mrs. C: I am NOT afraid of doves! They're just... dirty.
Me: Uh-huh...

I'm thinking how I can use this.