Wednesday, September 30, 2020


Ever since I lost my job at the bank over ten years ago (yes, I'm still talking about this!) it feels like I've been stuck in the same place. Not physically, of course, I've changed addresses about as often as I've changed jobs in the last decade (which is a lot). Mentally... emotionally... that's something different.
As we go through life we're constantly being told we have to reach some point where we're meant to change. We're supposed to "evolve" into the us we're supposed to be at that point in our lives. Lately, though, an overwhelming feeling of stagnancy is leaving me feeling unsettled (ironic much?).
It's not like I haven't tried to move forward... at first. I thought I would just bounce back, find a new job (that paid just as well) and keep things moving after it all happened. Naturally, that wasn't the case. Instead, it felt like-it feels like every time I try to get back up off of the ground since then a new wave of shitty situations would just knock me back down and every time it did it was harder to get back up again. Little-by-little, before I knew it, I guess just stopped trying to get back up altogether.

Naturally, I've been stuck financially too. I haven't been able to clear off the debts I've amassed during those banker years when I could (barely) afford to maintain them in the first place. It doesn't help that new debts keep popping up that always take priority over the old ones. It also doesn't help that my salary's gotten nowhere near what I used to make despite being steadily employed for the past seven of those ten-plus years.

I know, I know! Life happens. Shame on you, Vinny! We all go through the same crap and we're all expected to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep on fighting. But when is it too much? Who decides that we haven't reached our limit yet?

Now, with another big change set to happen next year* - a life-altering one, in fact - I'm feeling the weight of this (self-imposed?) stagnancy. I know I have to hit the marks I haven't even tried aiming at while I waited - in vain - for things to settle down.
Not gonna lie, it's making me feel a not-so-slight pang of desperation. Ironically, though, I think that desperation is what I need right now. I hate that it even took feeling desperate like this to wake me up. If you're not a super-self-motivated-hustler-go-getter nowadays you're pretty much failing at life, aren't you? Where's that ambition, Vinny? Where's your fire?!
In all honesty, I think I'm ready to find it.

(*Sorry but this big, life-altering change is not something I want to disclose right now. I will... in time. All I'll say is it's not good news.)