It has come to my attention that I've
become a victim of identity theft. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But it's still a
case mistaken identity.
See, there's this show on MTV called
America's Best Dance Crew and one of the dance groups this season (I
think. I don't watch it) is a group called ICONic Boyz (with a
"z", of course). Among the members is a kid named Vincent
Castronovo. Young Vincent is apparently quite popular and is sometimes referred
to as...
Vinny C.
Yeah, I know. Crazy, right?
And that's about much research as I did
on this show.
Anyway, this other Vinny C has
his own Facebook fan page, twitter and tumblr accounts. There is
apparently a fan site too called "F*ck Yeah Vinny C" (which
is a little too much enthusiasm, if you ask me). Now it seems his
fans, in a desperate search to attach themselves to anything Vincent
Castronovo, have been sniffing around and following to my Twitter account.
I've got nothing against the kid so if
any of his loyal fans read this, please stifle the overwhelming urge to blast
me with angry comments in his defense. I'm just saying, I'm not him. If this
still offends you then you're beyond any help I (or anyone else besides
maybe a therapist) can offer.
That being said, I'd like to take the
time to inform these misdirected fans that they should observe the obvious
differences between the young Mr. Castronovo and myself before following my
tweets only to realize your mistake a few days later and dropping me like a
soiled jockstrap.
Vincent Castronovo:
 |
Me:
Take a few seconds. Get a good look. For
those who may still be unclear, I'll guide you to the obvious differences:
- I've been told I look young for my age
but, still, I'm not 12-years-old. I know he isn't really 12 (Probably),
but I don't watch the show and don't care enough to go find out. I have a
wife and, until recently, I also had a job... with a desk... where I had
to wear a shirt. One that did not involve spinning back-flips on a stage.
- I do not now, or ever will, EVER, have
a mohawk or fohawk or whateverthehell it's called. Not.happening. EVER! Don't
even ask.
- I'm black. Well, mostly. I'd think
that should be a dead giveaway right there.
- I can't dance. Not if my life depended
on it. I've got two left feet that step on each other and just get a passing
grade in getting me from point A to point B. That's how uncoordinated
I am.
- I don't do jazz hands (or even a
lone jazz hand) in my photos. One day, maybe. But not today.
So, to all you Vincent Castronovo fans
out there, in your feverish stampede to get close to this young man, please
take a moment to stop, take a breath, compose yourselves, mop the sweat from
your brow and take a good look at the profile of the person you're about to
follow.
Thank you and good day to you all.
I feel your pain. When I discovered "Miss Nikki" was some porn star from Louisiana I was disappointed all the googling search fad for Miss Nikki was not for me, but for somebody less luscious (ha!) and then I became Nikki Rules. Because I may not be a porn star and like you don't do jazz hands (or would it be jazz mouth?) but at least, like you, my work (that I had, like you) involved having me wear a shirt.
ReplyDeleteHey, maybe I'm your she-version of Vinny C like in Byzarro world!!! Dood, that would be so cool! Wouldn't that explain a whole lot? Trust me, you'd like me a bunch more than the fauxhawk tween guy!
I hope.
Awww but is it wrong that I'm delighted with my mental image of you doing jazz hands? :) Cos if it's wrong I don't want to be right!
ReplyDeleteJazz hands! Sometimes I just like to say it because it always makes me laugh.
ReplyDeletePlease respond to your followers now with a picture or cartoon of you with jazz hands. Would so make our day!
ReplyDelete(Do 12 year olds know what a jock strap is or have use for one?)
@ That would be cool! Wait. Which one is the evil one? Doesn't matter. It would still be awesome.
ReplyDelete@ Vege Assassin: I may consider trying it.
@ dbs: I just tried it in the mirror.
I feel dumb.
@ Nubian I'll think about it. As for the jockstraps, since a lot of this kid's fans are probably way older than they should be, they'll probably know.
confession - i have been following this blog this whole time under the impression you were this other kid
ReplyDeleteWHAT!?! You're not...Well, can you try to at least sing a pop song so simplistic it rhymes "love" and "above" while people in shiny clothes do a choreographed dance behind you? Is that too much to ask after all this deception?
ReplyDeleteAt least I don't have to worry about a pre-teen "Pickleope" singing sensation...unless they really run out of stupid names for singers.
Here I was thinking I'm following a famous 12 year old...
ReplyDelete"I don't do jazz hands (or even a lone jazz hand) in my photos. One day, maybe. But not today." I'm praying to all gods that this day comes very soon. Very soon.
ReplyDelete@ littlejohn: But you'll stay, right? I promise to work on my spinning back flips.
ReplyDelete@ Pickleope: Sorry. I actually sing worse than I dance. It's not supposed to be possible by the laws of Physics, but it's true.
@ AC: I may not be famous but I act like I'm 12. Is that good enough?
@ Dr. Cynicism: The votes 'for' jazz hands are piling up. Do I have to power to veto this? No? Dang!