Vinny's Step-By-Step Introduction To Home Ownership.

Mrs C and I will be moving into our new home during the Christmas weekend. We collected the keys two Fridays ago. As with most things nowadays, the entire process was highly publicized as the government wanted to make sure we and the greater public knew of their generosity (especially with next year being an election year). Step-by-step, we're being introduced to the subtle intricacies involved with becoming homeowners. Here's the process so far:

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- Attend “key giving ceremony” held at the new community site. Endure speeches, singing entertainers and shameless political plugs.

- Four and a half hours later, finally collect keys.

- Wait for obligatory photo op (which we thankfully managed to avoid).

- Receive instructions about having up to one month to be fully moved in and, in the meantime, you can basically come and go as you please.

- Go check out the new digs and wonder how the place went from clean and completely undamaged during the walkthrough to:

1. having a portion of the wall which needs to be repainted after a window was replaced (the old window frame was left lying the front yard for an added touch)
2. having a broken hinge on the window in the back bedroom
3. having a moss-caked kitchen sink

- At this point make a note of issues to add to the form you received with your package to list any defects you may find within the first three months.

(It should be noted that, based on feedback from other owners of government-provided housing, following the submitting of said defects report, one should proceed to initiate repairs one’s self since the providers of your new home may never actually send someone to repair whatever is broken.)

- Return some days later to move some of your stuff in and put curtains up to realize half the house has been flooded after the shower faucet came partially out of the wall.

- Turn off water main to house, spend several hours mopping up. 

- Finally hang curtains and move stuff in as initially planned.

- Add broken shower to the defects form for the sake of formality.

- Start looking up plumbers since you’ll have to fix this problem yourself.

- Almost faint from shock as you receive a call informing the work crew will be in the area to assess what repairs need to be done.

- Take time off from work, go back to house and meet with contractors, show them everything that’s broken, exchange numbers and agree to be back again the following day to see what can be done.

- Take a second day off, go back to house again, wait, wait, call contractor, find out they are not going to show because it’s two days before Christmas and the boss can’t convince the workmen to show up.

- Be told they'll they will come back to get started after New Year's... Sometime after New Year's.

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This is where the list ends for now. Until the shower issue is sorted out, we will have to keep the water main turned off when we're not using the water. So far, owning a home is turning out to be more of an "adventure" than I anticipated.

A Step-By-Step Guide To Almost Failing A Class.

1. Miss a major percentage of your classes due to demands of job.

2. Two-thirds of the way through the semester finally realize you haven't been receiving notes and updates from your lecturer because you just had to use the student email account the school forced you to take and it hasn't been working properly.

3. Fail to get required text books from school library because other students got to them before you did.

4. Miss group presentation day because you have to work late (worth 30% of overall grade).

5. Get fired from said demanding job less than two weeks before final assignment is due, spend first week in a funk (even though you promised yourself wouldn't let it get to you) and do absolutely nothing during that time.

6. Get make-up assignment from lecturer to help give you a fighting chance after missing the group assignment, wait until last possible minute to finally get started and panic because you only have two days  to research and prepare two presentations.

7. Instead of working on assignments, write a blog post explaining steps you took to very likely fail a class you should be passing with your eyes closed.

Random Thoughts Of A Sleep Deprived Mind.

For those of you who have noticed my lack of posting this week, I've been in the midst of end of semester exams. For those of you who haven't, well... I haven't been posting this week... because of... exams.

I recently finished a final project for one of my classes which kept me up until 4:30am and I haven't had chance to get a full night's sleep since.

I think that is the reason I've had all kinds of random things bouncing around my head that I thought I could slap together were funny enough to make a post. Kinda like my old "Random Tuesday Thought" posts I used to do back in the day.

I blame sleep deprivation for what comes next...

- The other day I was folding a shirt when I realized it was inside out. The first thing I thought about was hitting the "Undo" button. That's when I realized I've probably been spending too much time at the computer. Then the next thing I thought of was to blog about it.

- We've been battling a serious ant infestation in our home. I think they're winning. The other morning they scored a victory by getting inside our electric kettle's wiring and rendering it useless. Don't ask me how.

- I learned the other day that two jumbo hot dogs are my limit. I know. I’m a total lightweight. I was able to figure this out very out soon after jumbo hot dog number four.



Not a good day.

- Up the street there's a yard with two really big dogs. I think one of is mixed with a smaller breed because his front legs are noticeably shorter than his back legs. I call him Dogosaurus Rex. He amuses me.

I miss those RTT days.


I'd say I need a nap but I'm actually about to leave for work. Plus, this is a six-day work week for me and I still have a Math assignment and two exams left.


Joy.

This Enemy Mine, I Know Him Well. Soap Scum Is His Name.

I grew up a renter. My parents have never owned their own home. Still don't. As a result we - my parents, myself and my two younger sisters - have had to move from time to time. Now, a married man myself, I carry on the proud tradition of non-home ownership. I do intend to rectify this one day but that isn't the point of this story.

While I've made it clear before how much I think moving sucks, one of the things about it that bugs me more than anything else is...

The bathrooms.

Whenever I move into a new place I always have to come to terms with having to use a shower that was once regularly used by someone else. What makes this especially weird is that I don't really consider myself a germaphobe. As guys go, I'm as disgusting as any other, and proud of it. Of course, this wouldn't really be an issue it the shower was new and untouched by human gunk. But we all know how hard to find and costly virgin bathrooms are nowadays.

That last part read back kinda weird...

Anyway, The house we just moved into is - let's just say - on the more mature side. While the landlady did redo the entire kitchen, the shower was woefully as old as the rest of the place. It may have been cleaned after the previous tenants moved out but it wasn't by me and before I considered it fit for human (or at least "my") use I had to deal with it. These are the step-by-step events that took place that day:

- Getting my self physically and mentally prepared: I start with stretching. Then I do some quick shadow-boxing (Soap scum can be aggressive, you know) and give myself a good pep-talk and promise myself a drink for after I'm done.

- I assembled all the necessary items: bleach, detergent, disinfectant cleaner, bleach, bucket, scrub brush, tile and grout cleaner, bleach (I use sulfuric acid if they'd let me).

- Briefly, I give serious consideration to making a hazmat suit from garbage bags and rubber bands. Fortunately, good sense prevailed and the idea was abandoned. That and I didn't have enough rubber bands.

- When the actual cleaning process was underway, I realized that I was starting to feel a little lightheaded. This was from the high concentration of chlorine bleach I used in the cleaning mixture I concocted. After stepping out of the shower and getting some fresh air, I added some more bleach to the mixture and pressed on.

You can see why Mrs. C prefers I clean the shower. It get's done right!

Finally, I was finished. When I was done I felt like I needed a good shower. I removed my clothing (to be taken to a local crematorium for incineration, later) and stepped in, confident that the demons were exorcised. Then I saw it. There, right in front of me, in the teeniest hairline crack that was in this one tile.

Is that a tiny... brown... smudge?

First Fired, Then Promoted, Now...

Redundant?

At least, that’s the gist of what I was told this Monday. According to Bossman there’s no need for the position they were training me for. Please note, no actual training ever took place during the past two months (Except for the training I gave my replacement, of course). Opportunities to use me in the capacity he envisioned just weren’t materializing as quickly as expected. So, essentially, I finish out this month and proceed with my previously scheduled firing from two months ago.

“Unless something happens to pop up,” he said.

What the hell kind of bullshit is that!?! I’ll say this much: Once I leave, there’s no way in hell I’m going back. Thanks for the free coffee, asshole! Sayonara! On a side note, if you haven’t read my article at Sprocket Ink from yesterday, he inspired it. Go see.

Anyway, it seems like I’m going to have me a little free time next week so I’ve started compiling a list of activities to keep myself occupied while I seek new employment.

- Gaming: In an effort to be more focused during a grueling semester, I disabled my World of Warcraft account.

I know! Crazy, right?

Well considering the financial hit we just took I consider it prudent to leave it as is for the time being *sobs*. I’ll have to settle for other options like...

Regaining the gold trophy I earned in Plants Vs. Zombies – I accidentally deleted my profile when my old netbook died. This has been a source of great irritation to me. Up till now, I haven’t had the time to start over.

Get those last two golden eggs in my PC version of Angry Birds. Getting all three stars in those the levels is HARD

If nothing else, I can see what the replay value really is on the titles I have stacked aside.

- Heavy alcohol consumption (along with, but not limited to): Crying, breaking things, feelings of reduced self-worth and self-confidence, binge eating, more crying, etc.

Nah! Just kidding on this one.

Sorta.

- Blogging and blog reading: There are a ton of blogs I follow but I must admit to being a very crappy follower. There just never seems to be enough time to read them all and even comment on all the ones I do read. I guess, for now at least, I’ll be able to catch up.

- Books: My library card has been feel ing a little neglected of late. Time to rectify that.

- Movies: I have a stack of them that I’ve been getting around to. Is that Vince Vaughn/Kevin James movie any good?

- Fixing the leaky kitchen faucet: Okay, really! It’s been months! How hard is it to change a washer? I know there are others like myself who know all too well the inherent dangers of DIY projects but really! Wish me luck on this one.

- Finding another job: That one’s important. Gotta remember to do that one.

In truth, most of these will only keep me occupied until the end of next week. I’ll have to play it by ear from there.

That is unless one of you guy have something for me to do.

No, really! Skills include witty comments and ability to laugh at self. Throw me a bone here, guys.

Guys..?

Responding to Things I Haven’t Said Yet.

I noticed that at least three bloggers I follow, The Bloggess, Simple Dude and Moooooog, all talked about this "My Next Tweet" site. Well, since I wanted so desperately to fit in with the cool kids it piqued curiosity, I decided to give it a try. This resulted in several hours of hysterical laughter and zero productivity.

Totally worth it!

Some of them were too good to keep to myself so I’m sharing them, and the responses they inspires, with you:

“Randomly Talking About The Pain Conversations With boobs: An Analytical Look Into Social Interaction – So”

It’s true. I’m very fluent in Motorboatese.

“I'm in humanity again. From A Little Better Be Advised. The Diva Returning to a million pieces after”

I have to confess, Mrs. C doesn’t handle the return to humanity as well as I do.

“It's never won $10 million. A Crime Of course, the right now my cell breaks into a PSA From A Bad Day?”

Apparently my cell phone is more upset about losing that lottery than I thought.

“OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Have Arrived. The Pain Conversations With A Vinny Met The Great New co-worker is?”

A new coworker will regale me with tales of intense… orgasms?

“I'm tweeting so... I missing? That May Cause Severe Emotional Trauma Blog Luvin' & now my normal ringtone.”

Help!!! I’m lost!!! Twitter, you’re my only hope.

“Simply Magical Hmm... An Interesting Concept. Exactly! At least I think my blog post that'll make you!”

In the future, I will be Yoda. Awesome!

“Ever notice whenever I don't recommend, though. Study shows human brain has more naps would've brought?”

It’s true. My brain naps all the time.

“I'm sooo lucky I can still find some old broad? What the..? First my inbox but it goes away the increased?”

Yeah! What the..?!

“What random thoughts go numb & Idiots & Over-Caffeinated Edition Whoa! My Pants Predator In Three Easy.”

*blushes*

“The Following is cruel & Bieber... Oh My!!! Finally! I think it's over today with Earth in the real test?”

If you ask me, someone being cruel and Bieber should be against the Geneva Convention.

“And he will get knocked down. But he will go numb & Over-Caffeinated Edition Whoa!”

If you’re knocked you down and you go numb, you’re not getting back up. Just sayin’.

 “Pondering Humanity's Downfall To The Bride of Blogging. It's Tuesday Thoughts Sometimes the title: Delete?”

Eek! The Bride of Blogging is coming! RUN!

“Where It All In My wife forwarded chain mail with a nice rack... But who's only reason for what happened?”

Sometimes, chain mail can be forgivable. Under the right circumstances, that is.

“Re: Federline: Yes. Please Be Afraid, Very Afraid. Douchebag of those. All In My Closet Tried to study?”

Federline, douchebag and a warning to be very afraid… No wonder everyone’s hiding in my closet!

“I'm Ready! Check it was a Taurus anymore?! What a great time to stage a Tuesday, no less?”

I think I’ll stage a Tuesday on a Wednesday just to throw everyone off.

“Returning to the designer handbag section. Unanswered Questions Only Exception HQ] - Guess that bug!”

Wait! Guess that bug???

“NOOOOO!!! Don't tell anyone, but...”

WHAT?! What’s the rest of the message? The suspense is killing me.

“Whoa! My next door neighbors got mad ninja skillz... It's not as planned.”

Apparently I wasn’t expecting he’d be a ninja. I’ll have to rethink my strategy.

“Gotta stop using my brain's running on Vista. Damn right! I just looking at everyone else.”

Now, that actually explains a lot.

“Damn right! I never... you know where you expressed for the increased efficiency caused by Rebecca Black.”

I can agree with this. When I saw that “Friday” video, I lost all desire to watch YouTube & went right back to work.

“Unusual Outcomes Where It isn't too late to puke due to clutter my latest article!”

Well… It does say side effects may include nausea under my banner, right?

“Thanks. Just switched my brain's running on today.”

Woohoo! I may actually get things done.

“In My Closet Tried to be blushing right now. Doesn't get much weirder than that.”

Nope, it doesn’t.

“Sometimes Life Forces You Shouldnt Rob Banks - Airline On Good morning. Thought I was a great pumpkin!”

Agreed! If you think you’re a great pumpkin, you should leave the bank/airline robbing for another day.

You know? I may actually tweet some of these in the future.

I'm It!

I've noticed this game of tag going on around the ol' blogosphere. I checked my blogging buddy, Nari from narislife last week - because the only reason I don't check out her posts as soon as they're posted is because I'm out helping Mrs. C with chores or being held captive by a clan evil rogue ninja... With no wi-fi (Rogue ninjas would be the only reason I will accept from you for not checking her blog out, by the way). Anyway, as I was saying, I checked out her post and, wouldn't you know it, she tagged me.

Now, it requires me to play a game of twenty questions (minus one). But, first off, I have to tag four of you guys. Wait-wait-wait-wait!!! Don't try running. You're tagged! Accept it. So congratulations to:

A Vapid Blonde
Heather (aka Sugar Free) from Sugar Free Thoughts
Kev D. from Highway 10 Revisited
paulsifer42 from "I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference"

You guys are now "it".

Now, the questions:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

No pets right now. We can't have anything more than goldfish in our apartment, which we did, but we lost them all to a fungal infection last year (*wipes away tear*). We did have two dogs when we first got married, though. Snow and Ash.

Guess which was Ash & which was Snow.

Crappy quality, I know. They were scanned from old photos

Snow was the prima donna. If you dared buy the "cheap" dog food she had this thing where she'd sniff at it first, look at you, turn and walk away. Even with the more expensive type, it had to be her brand. She first did this when she was just a puppy and the milk wasn't warm enough. Sadly, she died from illness. Ash, the baby, was untrainable but he had mastered this sad, sorrowful look that made it hard to be mad at him for too long. When we moved the landlady, who was a cat person, tolerated him for a while but eventually said he had to go. We sent him to live with a friend in the country where he recently died of old age.

Their personalities made it impossible to see them as just animals.

2. If you can have a dream come true what would it be?

To be a parent. I've seen so many others have children so easily and never appreciate what they have. I know I'll be a good father.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Haters. People who can't see someone else happy or successful and not bitch about it for the sake of bitching. Not that there aren't so-called happy and successful people out there who don't deserve it. I know there are a lot of people who abuse their good fortune. They deserve a swift kick in the ass with a steel tipped boot. But I refuse to resent someone simply they have it better than I do.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

I don't really know if I need all of that myself. I'd definitely buy myself a house. I'd buy one for my parents as well. Up to today, they've never had the opportunity to own their own and even now, in their old age, I think they'd love it. The rest? I don't really know.

5.What helps pull you out of a bad mood?

Comedy. I've been pulled out of many a funk from a good stand up routine.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone.

Loving someone is great but I'd say being loved. But, then again, I might just be a needy little attention grubber.

7. What is your bedtime routine?

Not that much, really. I make sure there are no unnecessary lights on and that the doors are locked. I do all the other things too, of course. I brush my teeth, pee, etc. I usually like to shower just before bed too but that's just about it. Oooh! Oooh! There is this one thing. We have one of those memory foam mattresses and, recently, I started working on various "crash landings".

I still maintain that I'll be a good parent.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

We met where we worked. I wrote a post on it. Click here to see the full story.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

A sculptor, definitely. Or a glassblower (cue the pornography reference jokes). I've seen it done on TV. I bet it's fascinating to see it done in person.

10. What kind of books do you read?

I love science fiction but I'm not opposed to a good mystery or suspense either. I've always liked Ben Elton's work. I love the way he uses humor in his writing.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

I'll tell you in ten years.

12. What's your fear?

Looking stupid. Yet I refer you to any one of my blog posts. Seems I might be a bit of a glutton for punishment.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for an opportunity to visit outer space?

Hmmm... I'll have to think about that.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Married and poor, while it has it's setbacks isn't too bad. I'd probably have a bit more cash at my disposal if I were single, though.

15. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?

Well, after the obligatory bathroom trip, I like to just spend some time in peace and quite. I use this time to reflect, pray (Yes, I'm one of those. I never denied it) and sometimes hammer out a blog post. It depends on how early I get up.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner, what would it be?

She needs to let her inner goof run free more and worry a bit less. Not that I want her to be happy-go-lucky, mind you, but worrying accounted for a big part of her insomnia.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I've always liked my name (which isn't Vinny, obviously). It's close. Vinny is a nickname Mrs. C (not her's either, duh) gave me. I've never really considered another one.

I'm still weighing the options on the junk food question...

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

I have in the past. I think I forgive and forget too easily. Then again, the offenses haven't been so fallen into the realm of totally unforgivable. Truth is, if the act was bad enough, I just don't know.

19. If you could eat only one thing for the next six months, what would it be?

Vinny love pasta. Especially if there's some cheese mixed in. Any pasta/cheese combo will do it for me, really.

Sorry. I'm still stumped on that junk food question... It's a really tough choice.

Well, that's it. I pass the torch on to you, my four chosen ones. Now go forth.

Winding Up 2010

Quickie Post.

Before I say anything else let me just properly greet and welcome all of you new followers that I've noticed popping up. I'd also like to thank all of you who have have been leaving clever and encouraging comments. You're all my enablers, each and every one of you and have been sufficiently feeding my new-found lust for attention.

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Next off, I received, not one, but two blog awards. I'd also like to thank dbs @ think.stew for awarding me with the Guide Blog Award:

And Semi True Torystellar @ Can U Relate? for the Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award:

Thanks, guys, I'm truly touched (And I don't mean in a way that requires legal proceedings or awkward promises of commitment).

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Having only started in September this year I don't have a "Best of the Year" list, not this year anyway. Even though I really do love some of my more recent posts:

Cleaning Out My Closet - Where I reveal details from my sordid past.

Some People Need To Feel In Order To Learn - Spoiled brats annoy me and, apparently, they annoy you too.

But my personal favorite has to be: The Wonderful World of Blogging - An in-depth analysis (Yeah, right!) of the mental and emotional changes experienced by us new bloggers.

Okay so I do have a list.

Sue me.

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Last, because so many of you expressed the same concern as I did in my most recent post, I searched my archives and pulled up an essential training video to help us face an alien invasion.

From the people at HISHE:

Here's hoping you all the best for the upcoming year. I'd say don't do anything I wouldn't but you guys are more fun than I am and I don't want to tie you down.

Happy New Year, guys!!!