Snowball 3 - Moving Man.

During my confession the other day mentioned getting my contract at work renewed. This means, barring any monumental screw-ups on my part (or an apocalypse or something), I'll be steadily employed for at least another three years. I'm happy for this, of course, especially since my country's economy's driven by our oil and natural gas reserves and the plummet in oil prices last year has forced a lot of belt tightening and even some downsizing here and there. So, no complaining from me. Besides, I mentioned what happens when I complain. The last thing I want is to end up getting transferred to another division.

So why am I not only sitting at a new desk, once again, but also in a new building..?

It all started when I got the call from HR to inform me that all the "i"s were dotted and "t"s were crossed and I was officially reemployed.

HR: How soon can you start?
Me: Is Monday okay? (It was already Tuesday afternoon so I figured I'd give myself three more days of freedom.)
HR: No problem... By the way, you should know there are seating issues to sort out.
Me: Hmm?
HR: Yeah, the new Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) brought some new staff in with her. You know we have a new boss right?
Me: Yeah, I heard (Even if I hadn't it wouldn't surprise me. We've changed five Executives (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) in the three years I've been there).
HR: Anyway, we're short a desk in that unit now so you'll be another department until we sort out the logistics.
Me: (Probably would have been nice if they had figured that out before) Okay...
HR: Don't worry, it's just for a week.

All things aside, I wasn't going to complain. The main thing was I was not returning to the ranks of unemployed and for that alone, I was grateful. I refused to sweat the small stuff.

That week finished quickly and before I knew it I was once again fastening my polyester shackle around my neck. The shiny, purple one!

My temporary place of abode was a department I knew a little about but never had much to do with. One thing I did know was that they deal with major projects and had a lot of work. The Director introduced me to the team and let them know I'd be squatting on their land for a few days. I was given some busy work and mostly left to my one devices.

One week later, I went back up to the executive floor. As luck would have it, one of the new people brought on by the Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) had to go off on maternity leave so a desk was made temporarily available. The plan was to rearrange the floor space and add an extra cubicle (just for lil' ol' me) so by the time she got back, there'd be no more seating issues.

IT had put my PC in storage while I was away so I spent that morning arranging for them to bring it back up to my old desk (after I had them remove the interloper who was there out, that is). True the desk was only temporarily being returned to me but it was mine until the new cube was built. MINE! Soon the computer was set up and IT went on their merry way. I sat down, adjusted my chair back to its original settings, put the all my stuff back where I'd left them, hung my reflective safety vest on the chair-back (did I ever mention I'm also a safety warden?), sat down, booted up and prepared to get back to work...

Then the phone rang.

HR (different person): Hi, Vinny.
Me: Hey! 'Sup?
HR2: Um... What are you doing now?
Me: Nothing. IT just set me up so I'm about to start.
HR2: Oh, okay. Here's the thing... We need you to go across to another division and fill in for a few days.
Me: Huh?
HR2: Just for two days. That's it! There's another drone going on training and they need someone to man the desk.
Me: Well, I guess that's okay but what about my supervisor?
HR2: We'll call her and let her know. Can you leave now?
Me: Now? As in now now?
HR2: Yeah... Her training started this morning.
Me: Hmm...
HR2: Sorry...

I didn't make a big deal out of it since it was just for two days. The other division was one I'd never been to. It was in another building just down the street and was a result of another Ministry being merged with ours after the Prime Minister did some portfolio reshuffling. I got there and reported to the HR Manager. She said I had to talk to the Director but she was out until after lunch. The HR Manager then suggested that, since it was only 11 am, I could go have lunch myself an extra long until the Director returned. Hey, if the HR Manager cleared it, I'm not going to argue.

I got back at 1 pm. The Director's office was still locked. I went over to the HR Manager again. That's when she broke the news.

HRMg: Sooo... as it turns out, the training the person you're supposed to replace is only a half day long each day. She's already back.
Me: Oh... Okay...
HRMg: Yeah, it doesn't really make sense for anyone to come and hold on for only half a day so I guess you can go back.
Me: Huh...
HRMg: I honestly didn't know-

At the same time a young lady, who, as it turned out, was the one I was supposed to fill in for came bolting in. She told the HR Manager to wait and not to let me leave yet. They quietly discussed something then the HR Manager looked up at me.

HRMg: Well, it looks like you may have to stay after all. I didn't realize she was supposed to start her three month rotation to another division uptown. I guess, so you'll be assigned here until she gets back.

(Did she say three months?)

Me: Um... I was only told it was supposed for two days. I'm pretty sure head office might want to say in something like this, since I'm from there.
HRMg: You're right... Hold on. Let me make a call and find out what they want to do.

After a few minutes...

HRMg: Well, I spoke to the HR Director, who spoke to the Executive's  (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) senior minion and he confirmed it. You're staying. Why don't you go with the young lady here so she can hand over? After you meet with the Director we'll set you up on the system and issue you a keycard.
Me: *blinks* Huh..?

On The Outside, Looking In.

Remember back when I posted about how things always seem to change when I complain about my situation and they didn't usually change for the better? Well... it happened again. The complaining and things changing part, anyway. Surprisingly enough, things are actually a lot better now.

Halfway through September, I was transferred again and, no, it wasn't back to my original desk. I've been moved to a completely new desk in yet another division altogether. And, yes, this came as a result of me complaining. Not to myself or into the vast open spaces of the internet but to what appears to be a more effective audience: HR.

Yeah. Now, I'm normally the kind of guy who tries to make the best of things. You know the type: the guy who quietly sits and mutters to himself instead of proactively initiating change until one day he finally reaches his breaking point and thoughts of property damage start playing around inside his head.

S-stapler...

Yeah, that guy. Or, at least, I thought I was. When things actually got to the point with my supervisor where I couldn't take it anymore I ended up going to HR and lodging a complaint. I even surprised myself. One thing led to another and here I am, working on the executive offices. Please note: my job title and salary remain the same level (the bottom). I'm just doing the job I was hired to do in a different setting.

I guess this is the point where I go into the ups and downs I had with the supervisor in question and talk about how things at my new station are working out. But... no. That's enough of that. Instead, let's talk about the time I locked myself outside my office... and, by extension, the entire building... on the top floor. That's way more interesting, right?

AHEM! The government office that employs me takes up the top three floors of a seven-story building. The executive floors are, of course, on the top floor of those three floors. On each floor there are two emergency exits and each of those exits also grants staff access to the balconies where staff is free to go to think, focus on a difficult task/assignment, view a passing parade in the streets below, have a private conversation or weep mournfully as they contemplate the meaninglessness to their existence (it's cathartic). As such there are no alarms to go off when these doors are opened.

Most of the time, though, people just go outside whenever the air-conditioning starts acting up. On rare occasions a unit will break down but, more often than not, they work too well and it gets super-cold in the office. Not many of us are built to take it but I don't mind. I just throw on my jacket and I'm good so, with only a few exceptions, I pretty much ignore those balcony entrances, even though I'm now seated right in front of one of them (naturally, this means, if shit goes down, I'm the guaranteed to be one of the first ones out).

That was until yesterday...

It had been raining all week. The air was colder than usual and even I was feeling the chill in the air. Then, from the window behind me, I happened to notice the sun had finally decided to check in on us. The sky was so bright I just knew it would be nice and warm outside already. I imagined the feeling of the warm sunlight on my skin and I could feel myself being pulled to the outside. That's when I decided to just go out and thaw off for a bit.

Now, as I said earlier, I hardly availed myself of the privilege before but the few times I did, I got in and out with no problems. However, what I didn't know was that, unlike the other balcony entrances, the door behind my desk does not open from the outside. So when a gust of wind eagerly finished closing the door for me I barely paid it any mind. I soaked in some sun, looked around a little at the nearby streets and buildings and headed back for the inside. Only... When I got the the door... Yeah...

"Of course..." was my first thought because, obviously if anyone's going to get themselves locked out it's me.

This was when I looked around and realized the balconies aren't connected around the corners and there was a seven-floor-deep gap between me and the only other entrance on the floor. Outstanding! My next thought was to discretely call one of my coworkers on their cells so they could come over and let me back in. This was unfortunately hampered by the fact that I had earlier put my phone to charge and it was at that moment sitting on my desk, evilly smirking at me (IT SMIRKED! I SAW IT!) through the locked window.

"Naturally!" I sighed.

At this point I was left with three options:

1. Climb up the roof-access ladder and get to either the other balcony entrance or the door to the main stairwell.
2. Go across to the emergency stairwell, make my way down to the floor just below and get in from an entrance there.
3. Knock until someone heard me and came to my rescue.

Each option, however, comes with it's own set of problems. Like I said, it was windy. Climbing up to the roof and walking across seemed risky, especially since the entire center of the building is hollow all the way to the ground floor and all that covered that section was a huge glass dome so yeah... No! I considered the emergency stairwell option for a quite a bit but I wasn't sure if opening those doors triggered any alarms or if any other doors opened from the inside besides the one on the ground floor. Common sense told me I should be fine. The fear of sending the building into a panic if I trip off an emergency alarm told me back off that idea a bit.

See? Some of them do trigger alarms. I wasn't letting the lack of a label lull me into a false sense security.
source

While I was considering trying to get to the floor below, it also occurred to me that there was an Option 4: Since the building had a sort of Mayan pyramid thing going on, I could just ignore the stairs and jump down to the balcony below.

source

But I decided against it.

This left me with knocking and calling at the offending door until someone came to my rescue. While this may seem like the most viable solution to sum, to me it was the least desirable option. My new supervisor, who happens to be the one who sits closest to me was on lunch at the time so this meant I had to really make myself heard. Not only did I leave myself open to ridicule from whoever came to let me back in but I ran the risk of attracting the attention of the executive staff since their offices were all around my area. Being on the floor only a few months, I felt that somehow this wouldn't help me make a good impression.

Still, of all the available options this was the only one that could count as "sane" so I figured I'd play it safe. So I knocked... and waited... and knocked again... and waited some more. Then I realized there was no one within earshot. I looked at the emergency stairwell door again. I began to wonder if they'd fired me if I set off the fire alarm and sent hundreds of people scampering.

I knocked again, slightly louder. Nothing.

I decided to enjoy the view for a bit more until someone noticed I was missing. I figured, worst-case scenario, I had at least half an hour until my supervisor got back from her lunch break. Roughly ten seconds later I was back at the door, knocking and trying (and failing) to not look overly pathetic. I realized if someone did pass by, I'd only look like I was getting some fresh air rather than trapped outside. This time, though, my efforts paid off and a few minutes later I heard a 'click' as the knob turned and the door opened.

"What's the password?" It was the personal assistant to the third-highest ranking guy there. She was just returning to her desk and heard me knocking.

"Thanks," I smiled and started to pull the door open.

She held firm on her end, "Noooooo. That's not the password." She smiled back with a sing-songy reply.

I joked it off and made a few guesses (all of the wrong) but she insisted on making me squirm for a minute before letting me pass. FYI: It was "open sesame", apparently. Go figure.

"You now this door doesn't open from the outside, right?" she said as I walked in, "We normally block it open when we go outside."

"No... No I did not."

All-in-all I endured only minimal embarrassment and, as a bonus, the rain held up the entire time. That counts as a good a day, in my book.

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing - Can't Complain.

You know how sometimes there's a thing and you complain about the thing and then the thing changes to the opposite type of thing but you like that new thing even less so you think to yourself, "Holy crap, I shoulda stayed quiet about the thing because the opposite thing is way worse than the first thing!" and then you start to believe you have some kind of  freaky superpower (or karma really hates you) because you realize every time you complain about things, the opposite things happen but the new things are not the way you pictured them in your head and things seemed better the way they were before but it's too late now and you're stuck with the new things and even if you used your new-found abilities to make things go back to what they were before, the old things aren't the same old things but new-old things... or old-new things (it's hard to tell sometimes) that suck in a totally different way?

(Okay, now breathe! Trust me, the rest of the post is nowhere near as annoying as the opening.)

That is so me! When I first started to work for the government (doesn't it sound really covert and cool when I say it like that?), I posted about the time I complained (without really complaining) to Mrs C about being left for days with nothing to do while they sorted out things like where I'd sit and which department in the division to assign me.

Then things changed and, soon after that, the details were sorted out and work came my way, which was to be expected, I guess. However, I soon realized I was being loaded up with a bunch of complicated responsibilities which technically weren't in my initial job description and I pseudo-complained again in a post about feeling like I was almost in over my head. Eventually, though, I realized I was getting the hang of it all and was kind of enjoying it.

It was too late though. I had already put the complaint out into the universe and karma diligently rushed in to address the situation. As a result, things changed again and that was when I was pulled from all of those projects and reassigned to help write a white paper. By extension, I was also pulled from my desk and the very building in which I worked and exiled to the Central Office to work in near-isolation along with the other three members of the team assigned to that task. I... um... shared my thoughts on that in another post and, in less than four months we were recalled and the project went dormant.

Now I was almost left idle (again), only in a different division... for three months. By this time I was really starting to miss my old desk and my old work and made mention (I know, right? You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now right?) that I missed my old desk and my old work and I wanted to go back. Naturally, things changed again but not in the way I wanted. They didn't move me back but finally decided to give me something to do. A lot of something! I had something (work) coming out of my ears!

I eventually started to notice the trend (took me eight whole months because I'm so quick on the uptake) and decided not to complain, especially since I was basically just riding out the last month-or-so of my contract. Plus, by then I already knew it was being renewed so I at least knew I wasn't out of a job and, as an added bonus, I'd be handing over all my work to someone else. At the very least, I was hoping the people in charge would realize they were beating a dead horse with this whole white paper thing since no one seemed interested anymore and I'd finally get to go back to where I belonged.

Nope! I returned only to learn that no one had even considered what I'd be doing when I got back so I was dropped on my old-new desk with, once again, nothing to do. But, guess what... I complained again. This time to my wife. Yeah. I think It was that month-long vacation that made me forget.

That and I iz dumb.

Sure enough, things changed again. The coworker I handed over all my work to was recently poached by another division, leaving me to not only take back all the things they shoveled onto me before my first contract ended but to take over her work as well. As I mentioned in one of my earlier complaints, I was moved to a division that deals with things that weren't in my knowledge-base or skill-set... or portfolio or any other corporately douchy buzzword way of saying I didn't know jack squat about the work they do here. And now it looks like this is going to be my permanent abode.

The funny thing is not one of these times did I complain to my bosses or even a single coworker. I mentioned a few of my grievances here on the blogosphere, or on some social networking site or the other and even to Mrs C, but never in work. Which is why I think karma has way too much time on her hands.

Either that or my bosses have been keeping up with my blog. Is that a scary thought or what?

But I'm NOT complaining, though. Mostly because I don't want to imagine any scenario where I look back on now and it feels like this is the good old days. 

Snowball 2 - And So We Meet.

You are entering another dimension, a dimension not only of projects and flowcharts but of deliverables. A journey into a land of micromanagement. Next stop, the Corporate Zone!

(Dramatic music)

Submitted for your approval: Vinny C - A typical government office employee who does his best to survive the tedious day-to-day grind. Vinny is about to learn that no good gesture goes unpunished as he take a wrong turn into the cubicle of...

The Corporate Zone!

(Dramatic music repeats)

******

Vinny (*walking into Coworker 1's cubicle*): Hey, Coworker 2 (who happened to be just hanging out with Coworker 1), I just came from the admin's desk so I picked you up some cold pills since you said you weren't feeling too hot.

Coworker 2: Thanks V! You're a lifesaver.

Coworker 1: Oh, Vinny, while you're here, did you get a chance to review the the meeting notes The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) emailed?

Vinny: No, not yet.

Coworker 1: Okay. How about we sit and go over them now?

Vinny: Actually, I was just about to go... Sure. No problem

That is the start of meeting# 1.

Half an hour later...

Vinny: Hmm... There isn't really anything here that's different here than the notes we took.

Coworker 1: True... Anyway, let's go over to the Director's office so he can update the new data.

...

Director: Hmm... Good! The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) is in a hurry for our part of the financial plan. I'll update this. While you're both here, let's take a minute to discuss how the new financial workup affects the division.

Thus begins meeting# 2...

Coworker 1: Boring financial plan talk.
Director: Boring financial plan talk.
Vinny: *Pretends to understand what's being said and take notes. Actually doodling*

About thirty-five minutes into it, the Head of Accounts (HoA) walks in...

HoA: Hi, Director, are you ready for our meeting?
Director: Oh, I almost completely forgot about it.We were just going over the division's financial plan for the next fiscal.
HoA: That's no problem. Our meeting's related. In fact, why don't you both (*turns to Vinny & Coworker 1) stick around. I'm sure this information could be useful to you too (meeting# 3 is set).
Coworker 1: Sure thing.
Vinny: Wait, what?

One hour and twenty minutes later.

Director: Well, Vinny, looks like you got your work cut out for you. Lucky thing you were here. Remember, the Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) wants this done "pronto" so let's set a deadline of noon the day after. K?
HoA: Remember to shoot me an email in the morning too, Vin so I can grant you site access.
Coworker 1: Vinny, I know it's well past quitting time for you for today but let's just go back to my cube for a quick (meeting# 4) review of what we need to do.
.
.
.
Vinny: ...huh..?

******

Vinny C. A man who has found himself stuck in an endless black hole of back-to-back meetings where responsibilities and assignments he could never dream to comprehend are forever stacked one on top of the other on his plate. This meal Vinny will have to consume in...

The Corporate Zone! (Dramatic music swells and ends)

And That's What I Did During My One-Month Vacation.

Yes, it has been a month since I last posted. No, I'm not going to explain myself. Actually, my plan was to just keep posting like nothing happened but, since I'm not a total douche I've decided to just give you guys some updates of what's been going on in my life in the past month.

See? So not a total douche.

First off, remember the special assignment I told you I was put on at work? And then I said that due to circumstances mentioned here they moved us back to the main office and the project was taking a while to get going again? Well... almost four months later... nothing has changed.

Not. a. damn. thing.

Actually, that's not totally true. What little work I had to finish up on the section of the paper I was working on when we moved was done and submitted back in May. Since then, nothing. I mean, literally no more work has been done on the white paper by any of the other team members. One of them even quit before even submitting anything.

That's not the best part, though. As I mentioned, I was loaned out to another division for the assignment. That means that everyone else on the team was free to go back to their original duties from before the project. I, on the other hand, have been basically abandoned in a new division with almost nothing to do for the last three months. For a lazy slacker this would be paradise. Unfortunately, I'm not a lazy slacker. This is almost like my old job at TinyCo. The only difference is, here, I'm surrounded by people who all have stuff to do and I can't just say, "screw it all!" and take a nap at my desk.

That's s all the sucky news I'm going to share today. On to happier things.

Second on the list: I go on vacation in less than two weeks. It'll be a month long and my first paid vacation in four years. My previous vacations during those years were without pay as they weren't so much "vacations" and were more "unemployment". So, yeah, I've actually been continuously employed long enough to qualify for vacation. I've already got my entire vacation itinerary planned too.

Of course, this also means my one year contract with the government is up but that brings me to update number three:

They gave me two more years! Remember all that stuff I wrote about them saying I was efficient? Well, it turns out they weren't just blowing smoke up my ass. They're so impressed with my performance they decided to approve a new two-year contract for me without me having to go through the usual process of reapplying for the position.

I'm not sure where exactly they plan to put me when I get back but this could be my chance to get out of this stalled project for good. Win-win, I say.

The fourth and final update it's the big one. Mrs C and I will soon become homeowners.

Yes, you read right. We're getting our own house. To properly tell the story, I'll take you back a bit...

About six years ago we applied to the government for a flat in one of their housing schemes. They build low-to-medium income homes all over the country and the terms are much easier to manage than going through real estate agencies and the bank. We went through the entire application process and were sure we qualified. Then I lost my job at the bank and we basically put the whole thing on the back burner. After that, an election came, the government changed and our application was apparently lost in the void.

I can't lie, Mrs C deserves a lot of credit for this. While I was trying to get back on my feet, my wife never gave up and she would check up on it every so often. Her last resort was to get our representative for the area to write them and that was when our old application finally turned up. Of course, we head to reapply after so much time had passed. Then, last week, I got the call that we were allocated a unit in a new development in the east.

SWEET!!!

We'll have to  leave the town we've called home for most of our married lives (which was conveniently close to the capital too), and move all the way to practically the other side of the island where we'll have to battle insane rush hour traffic to-and-from work. But we won't be renters anymore so it'll be worth it.

Right?

So that is basically what I've been up to in the past month. See? Nothing special really.

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing - The Return.

I’m afraid I'm going to gripe a little bit so bear with me. Remember a few months ago I told you all about my employers deciding to exploit make use of my past experience as a reporter and putting me on a special assignment to write a white paper? Sure you do! This, as I mentioned, resulted in my being unceremoniously pulled from my desk, my duties and even the building and being shipped off to the Central Office where I and the other three members of the team would spend our days toiling away on the deserted top floor.

Then, of course, the HR girls were taken away too. I never mentioned this but, at my old desk, I was surrounded by the pretty girls from HR (Seriously, it’s like baring a resemblance to a porcelain doll is one of the hiring criteria for that section). I wasn't in HR, mind you. That was just where they had room to seat me that was closest to my department.

I'll admit I didn't mind this too much.

Still, aside from all that and me having to spend four times as much in transportation costs (No, I wasn't being compensated for this), it actually wasn't so bad. The team got along and, while progress was slow, we were actually starting to get the thing going. The whole point of us being transferred was to prevent us from being distracted by anything else. We were supposed to focus on the white paper and the white paper alone and get it done as quickly as possible.

For two months we battled traffic, parking issues (the other three drove) and the lack of decent lunchtime dining options (there are places you can get food but they’re all very far away). The people on the ground floor didn't like us very much, even though we all worked for the same government ministry (related to aforementioned parking issues) and sometimes the air conditioning on that floor broke but we persevered.

Now, we’re back. As of two weeks ago our long trips to Central came to an end and we were called back to base. You’d think I’d be happy now. Right? Now that it’s all over I get to return to my desk, resume my work and patiently endure the HR girls’ cooing over how much they love each other’s hair/shoes/outfit/etc. I would have been happy, if that were the case. See, the project isn't finished... I think. In fact, things are getting more and more confusing.

Let me explain.

Recently there has been some reshuffling of senior positions at the Head Office which forced our team leader, a Divisional Director, to have to return to base to assume some new responsibilities. With him being called back it made no sense to leave the rest of us there so they brought us in as well. The project isn't over. We’re just continuing it at Head Office... in the middle of all the distractions they wanted us to stay away from...

This, in itself, is annoying but the real problem is that the entire project has become an afterthought to the great big heads upstairs and no one is really taking it seriously. The team leader is too busy with his new responsibilities and they've separated all the members of the team as far away from each other as they could. However, since it hasn't officially been declared dead, I’m stuck here, one floor below where my real desk is, plugging away at it, wondering if there’s even a point. Added to that, they’re slowly starting to squeeze other tasks that have nothing to do with the project into my portfolio.

Then I saw an email from someone in the division wondering when I was planning to meet with her and officially assume the duties of my desk...

I don’t mind being given something to do. Don’t get me wrong. What I do mind is being taken from a division where, at least, I had some experience (and something nice to look at when I got bored) and being put in one where I had almost zero usable skills. While it is true I felt a little overwhelmed from time to time, at least I knew enough to fake it when I had to.

Helping write the white paper was an exception. This division I've been dropped into now deals with things like creating policy and a whole host of things I have never dealt with or have never been trained for.

Still, everything’s up in the air at this point. Just as I have been receiving little-to-no information on what’s going on, I think it’s safe to assume I’m not the only one and a lot of them don't really knows I’m only here on loan. In the end, I may end up being left alone to finish what I was sent here to do and go back to my “home”, surrounded by the pretty HR girls just one floor above.

I hope...

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing 2 - Now With More Cluelessness.

In case you've been wondering where I've been for the past week or so (I'll just assume that you noticed I was gone in the first place), I guess the best answer is that I had gone into a state of shock. Remember when I posted how the higher-ups in the in the government ministry I now work for not only read my résumé, but assigned me a bunch of responsibilities based on them and I was starting to feel a little in over my head? Sure you do! But, in case you don't remember all the details, you can read about it here.

Now that same résumé has turned around and bitten me in the ass again as it started a chain of events that, this past Friday, led to me not only being pulled from all of those duties but, also, unceremoniously removed from my desk and the very building in which I worked.

And, no, I was not fired.

I suppose some more explanation is in order. It all started the Friday before last, when the manager of my department was passing me in the hallway...

Manager: Vinny, you used to be a reporter, right?

Me: Yeah. How did you-

Manager: The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) said it was on your résumé. She said she's putting you on a team where you can use those skills for a special project.

Me: O...kay...

Manager: I'll tell you more as soon as they tell me.

Me: Um... Sure.

If I seem a little less than enthusiastic during this conversation it's because... well... I wasn't. The last thing I wanted was to be put onto yet another team. I was just getting the hang of all the things they had me doing already. Turns out I had absolutely no idea what The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) had in store for me. That is until the Manager asked to see me in his office the following Monday.

Okay, seriously! Is there ever a time when your immediate supervisor asks to see you in his/her office any you don't imagine it ending with you being escorted out of the building by security, carrying a cardboard box with all your junk (and the stapler you slipped into your back pocket)?

Anyway, I digress, as I am wont to do. Turns out, the little talk with my manager went more or less like that. Only I wasn't being fired...

Manager: How long were you a reporter?

Me: *Thinking: Oh, it's about that! Breathes a sigh of relief* Six months.

Manager: Mm-hmmm... *jots something down in the notepad on his desk*

Long pause...

Here's the thing, Vinny. Did you know The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) is researcher, first and foremost? She literally reads every line of every document that goes across her desk. Which  is why she noticed on your résumé that you worked as a writer and thinks those skills will be perfect for a team that's being set up.

Me: O...kay... I remember you telling me that.

Manager: Well, the thing she now mentioned to me is that she wants this team to focus only on this project. So you're being pulled from everything else you were working on.
Me: Well... okay...(I think I really pulled off not seeming excited by the news that my heavy workload was getting lifted.) But who's going to handle all my-
Manager: Let us worry about that. Anyway, that's why you're also being pulled from the department.
Me: Huh..?
Manager: And you're being transferred to our Central building.
Me: Huh..?
Manager: For about three months.

Me: HUH???

You know those war or spy movies where they assemble a special group to take out a really high priority target? Well this is something like that (I know I'm making it seem cooler than it really is. Please leave me to my delusions thankyouverymuch). Essentially, we're a select group of people with a very particular set of skills; skills we have acquired over our very long careers. Skills that are making things a nightmare... for me.

Since I just had to go and make it known that I am a writer, The Executive (*lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, building shakes slightly*) is now putting me into this special unit dedicated to finalizing a white paper. I had to Google it. Apparently it's a big deal and while the rest of the team will provide the source material, I'm supposed to take all that and convert it into readable text that everyone - from politician, to lawyer to average Joe-on-the-street - can understand. In other words, it's intended to be read by anyone in the country who so chooses. No biggie there. I was a reporter, after all.

Oh! Did I mention it also could be used to implement major pieces of policy that could affect the state of public service for the entire country?

No pressure.

Anyway, on Wednesday I met with the man who will be my Unit Commander for the duration of this special assignment. He guaranteed me the mission shouldn't take more than four months (hopefully).

Friday was my final day there. I was given a "new" laptop, directions to my new office and I met with Unit Commander again, along with the other two members of the team. These were the people I would be working with exclusively for at least four months so it's probably a good idea for me to try not to piss them off too quickly.

I make no promises.

Yes, I did take my stapler with me.

Snowball.

I knock on the Divisional Director’s door and walk in...

Me: Good morning. You have a minute?

Divisional Director (DD): Sure, Vinny, have a seat. What’s up?

Me: It’s about those reports you assigned me to update for my department. There’s a slight problem.

DD: Problem?

Me: Well, I was about to fill in my part of one of the shared files, sheet 15, when I realized it hasn't been filled in by any of the other departments. Since the data’s supposed to be in order I can’t add my part yet.

DD: Hmm... Sheet 15? But that’s supposed to be one of the most active files! It shouldn't be blank.

I show her a photocopy I had with me.

DD: It hasn't been filled in since November! Sigh! You see what I have to deal with, Vinny?

Me: ...

DD: Who fills in the other sets of data?

Me: *shrugs* I asked Strategic Analyst Girl.

She really is pretty kickass at preparing flowcharts, though.

All she did was sigh, shake her head and mutter something about them not being the “best fit”.

DD: We should ask the IT Manager who she has working on this.

Just then, the IT Manager appears outside the Director’s door.

I’m not kidding.

IT Manager (ITM): Excuse me, DD, you busy? I need to find out about that company phone the ex-employee has…

DD: Vinny already did the letter to the phone company. Come on in! There’s something we need to ask you too.

ITM: Was the letter sent?

DD: No. We need some info Strategic Analyst Boy is working on. That reminds me, Vinny. We need to set up another meeting for the project. I’ll let you assemble the team and make all the arrangements.

Me: Okay… But weren't Strategic Analyst Girl and Strategic Analyst Boy working on something for that?

DD: Oh, that’s right! Follow up with them after we’re done here and see when we can schedule it then.

Our talk was over soon after that. DD had suggested I take over ALL the data input for that file for ALL the departments to prevent another tie-up.

I was not pleased.

Anyway, as instructed, I went over to the Hall of Strategy. I asked Strategic Analyst Girl when she thought she and Strategic Analyst Boy would be ready with their presentation. She assured me they would be done by the end of the week.

Strategic Analyst Girl: By the way, about that thing you asked me earlier…

I think we should consult a higher power.

Me: You don’t mean..?

Strategic Analyst Girl: Yes. Let’s ask my boss, the Senior Strategist.

Me: Um... You know what? That quite alrig-

Strategic Analyst Girl: *knocks on door* Greetings, master. *enters and prostrates*

Senior Strategist: WHO DARES!?!

Strategic Analyst Girl: Forgive me, M'lord. The one called Vinny C desires an audience.

Me: Actually, I'm fine. I think I got it handled...

Senior Strategist: Ah, Vinny. Come! Come!

Me: Hey... 'Sup?

To spare you the details, the Senior Strategist said it was probably best I take over the updating sheet 15 all by myself. Again, this did not please me. I leave his lair office and two seconds later...

Strategic Analyst Girl: Vinny! Vinny C! The Senior Strategist has summoned you once more!

I return and there, sitting at his desk, was the IT Manager. How the hell she appeared there was beyond me, since there’s only one way in and out of that department and we didn't pass each other when I was leaving.

Senior Strategist: Vinny, ITM tells me you prepared the letter to disconnect the ex-employee's company cell?

Me: Um... Yeeeeah?

Senior Strategist: Well, we need to put a hold on it until we get some more facts straight.

He summons his minions, Strategic Analyst Girl and Strategic Analyst Boy. They appear and prostrate themselves.

Senior Strategist: Strategic Analyst Boy, have you gathered the information I seek?!

Strategic Analyst Boy: Um... Well, M'lord... At first I sought to-

Strategic Analyst Girl: Answer the man, fool!

Strategic Analyst Boy blubbers and stutters for several more seconds before falling silent. Senior Strategist proceeds to tear him a new one, while I wonder why I ever got up from my desk in the first place.

Senior Strategist: Vinny, I know you’re busy, but could you do me a favor?

Vinny Unplugged - Work Edition.

By the time you read this, I'll be at work... with NO INTERNET!!!

I know! It's been that way since Wednesday. I'd explain more, but I'm trying really hard to keep my vow not to complain about my job here on the blog. What I will say is that it involved a colossal amount of ineptitude and cheapness on the part of someone who will go unnamed. Since, I'm the one who's complaining, you know it's not me I'm talking about.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I'm most likely going to be spending my day doing this...

Or this...

YEAH! I'm recycling drawings! So what?!

But you won't have to. I've left you all something to, at least, help you get through your day. A brand new Sprocket post. In fact, I have TWO you posts for you. Check out Sprocket co-founder Nichole's interview (there was a link to it, but the site is gone now) with yours truly in the first of Sprocket Ink's weekly "Interview With the Writer" series. Get to know more about me than you probably did before (or wanted to).

My post today, I can't provide a link for, since I'm writing this before it drops and I'll be (ugh!) offline when it does. But just head on over to Sprocket. It won't be hard to find. It's the one with the Japanese police officer with a severe addiction that leads him down a dark road. Trust me, you won't believe this one.

Anyway, that's it for me now. Have fun! I won't...