Social Interaction - Leave It To Me.

One of the my biggest issues when it comes to trusting people is I have this irrational fear that people are going to let me down. This fear is further compounded by the fact that people so often do let me down. Maybe it's not so irrational after all. Often, I am placed in situations where I have to get information or instructions or even training from someone else or, at other times, I have to wait on others to do something and do it properly before that something is passed to me so I can do my part. I take it for granted that the other person/people has at least some idea of what they're doing. I know I don't. I've said that more than enough times. So I depend on them to help me get/stay on the right track.

Unfortunately, more often than not, it's soon made painfully clear to me that they don't have it all together either. Often I wonder, if I don't know what I'm doing and they don't know what they're doing, then who does?

Who is hording all the information about how things get done and leaving the rest of us to grope around in the dark... looking for someone to whom we can comfortably delegate the responsibility and expect results?

But I digress. I can remember about six years ago when I was in banking and a newly appointed loans officer. The natural process was for me to sit-in with a senior officer and observe how he did things. Unfortunately, my senpai - as we anime nerds like to say - was so accustomed to "bending" the banks rules on lending policy that he forgot most of the actual rules and taught me all the stuff I shouldn't be doing. Luckily, I figured out what was what before too much damage was done.

This sort of thing happened in jobs I had before the bank and continued throughout every job that followed, including my current job with the government. After it became clear that my temporary transfer to another division turned out to be less temporary than they would have had me believe, I had to go sit with the person I was replacing so she could explain what I would be expected to do. She did a good enough job and seemed to know what she was doing (Finally!) but I soon learned that even she, who became accustomed to doing her own thing, wasn't getting it all right either. This resulted in me making a lot of mistakes and a lot of frustration on the part of the other sections with which I had to interact. In order to do things the way it suited them, I'd have to go to all these different sections, find out what they wanted and essentially relearn a lot of what she taught me.

I want to trust people. I do. Honest! If for no other reason than the fact that I want us all to be able to work together to get the job (whatever "job" it may be) done. Okay, that's a lie. I guess I don't really need to trust them. What I really want, above all else, is to not get blamed when things get screwed up. Shit has a nasty way of hitting the fan while it's being it passed to me (How's that for a mental image?). It doesn't matter who or how many other people screwed it up before, I always end up being the one left holding the bag... of shit.

I don't know why...

So, in an effort to minimize the damage to myself, I often feel obligated to try and handle everything myself. I do this because, obviously, no one but me can get things right. You see, when I was just a lower-case C (or "Mini-Vinny", if you will), I heard one or two villains in some of those Saturday morning cartoons exclaim, "If you want something done right, do it yourself!" and then proceed to take control of the situation and come within an inch of winning before failing only slightly less miserably than their pathetic minions who forced them to take things over in the first place.

Those words seemed to have had a profound impact. Right up until the point where the "hero" made his obligatory Hail Mary move that saved the day, it looked like things were going to go in the bad guy's favor. Didn't it? So, somewhere along the way I figured, without some meddler (in tights) around to throw a monkey-wrench in the works, I could totally get things handled... as long as I didn't give the idiots around me a chance to screw it up.

So, just so we're all clear, in my reality, I'm the evil mastermind and everyone else I have to work with, my inept minions. Got it? Good!

Now if only I could get the rest of them to realize that and get out of my way.

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing - Can't Complain.

You know how sometimes there's a thing and you complain about the thing and then the thing changes to the opposite type of thing but you like that new thing even less so you think to yourself, "Holy crap, I shoulda stayed quiet about the thing because the opposite thing is way worse than the first thing!" and then you start to believe you have some kind of  freaky superpower (or karma really hates you) because you realize every time you complain about things, the opposite things happen but the new things are not the way you pictured them in your head and things seemed better the way they were before but it's too late now and you're stuck with the new things and even if you used your new-found abilities to make things go back to what they were before, the old things aren't the same old things but new-old things... or old-new things (it's hard to tell sometimes) that suck in a totally different way?

(Okay, now breathe! Trust me, the rest of the post is nowhere near as annoying as the opening.)

That is so me! When I first started to work for the government (doesn't it sound really covert and cool when I say it like that?), I posted about the time I complained (without really complaining) to Mrs C about being left for days with nothing to do while they sorted out things like where I'd sit and which department in the division to assign me.

Then things changed and, soon after that, the details were sorted out and work came my way, which was to be expected, I guess. However, I soon realized I was being loaded up with a bunch of complicated responsibilities which technically weren't in my initial job description and I pseudo-complained again in a post about feeling like I was almost in over my head. Eventually, though, I realized I was getting the hang of it all and was kind of enjoying it.

It was too late though. I had already put the complaint out into the universe and karma diligently rushed in to address the situation. As a result, things changed again and that was when I was pulled from all of those projects and reassigned to help write a white paper. By extension, I was also pulled from my desk and the very building in which I worked and exiled to the Central Office to work in near-isolation along with the other three members of the team assigned to that task. I... um... shared my thoughts on that in another post and, in less than four months we were recalled and the project went dormant.

Now I was almost left idle (again), only in a different division... for three months. By this time I was really starting to miss my old desk and my old work and made mention (I know, right? You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now right?) that I missed my old desk and my old work and I wanted to go back. Naturally, things changed again but not in the way I wanted. They didn't move me back but finally decided to give me something to do. A lot of something! I had something (work) coming out of my ears!

I eventually started to notice the trend (took me eight whole months because I'm so quick on the uptake) and decided not to complain, especially since I was basically just riding out the last month-or-so of my contract. Plus, by then I already knew it was being renewed so I at least knew I wasn't out of a job and, as an added bonus, I'd be handing over all my work to someone else. At the very least, I was hoping the people in charge would realize they were beating a dead horse with this whole white paper thing since no one seemed interested anymore and I'd finally get to go back to where I belonged.

Nope! I returned only to learn that no one had even considered what I'd be doing when I got back so I was dropped on my old-new desk with, once again, nothing to do. But, guess what... I complained again. This time to my wife. Yeah. I think It was that month-long vacation that made me forget.

That and I iz dumb.

Sure enough, things changed again. The coworker I handed over all my work to was recently poached by another division, leaving me to not only take back all the things they shoveled onto me before my first contract ended but to take over her work as well. As I mentioned in one of my earlier complaints, I was moved to a division that deals with things that weren't in my knowledge-base or skill-set... or portfolio or any other corporately douchy buzzword way of saying I didn't know jack squat about the work they do here. And now it looks like this is going to be my permanent abode.

The funny thing is not one of these times did I complain to my bosses or even a single coworker. I mentioned a few of my grievances here on the blogosphere, or on some social networking site or the other and even to Mrs C, but never in work. Which is why I think karma has way too much time on her hands.

Either that or my bosses have been keeping up with my blog. Is that a scary thought or what?

But I'm NOT complaining, though. Mostly because I don't want to imagine any scenario where I look back on now and it feels like this is the good old days. 

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing.

I recently figured something out. These people I'm working with actually expect me to know my shit. Not just the stuff I'm expected to know to do the basic, entry-level duties for which they hired me. Noooo. They want me to bring my "A" game! They read my résumé. They know about my experience and they're expecting me to put that all to work. And then some.

Nobody cleared this with me!

I suppose I should start from the beginning. Soon after I started this job, I was put in charge of recording certain bill payments for the ministry and, of course, the records were a mess, so part of my job was to help make some kind of sense of it all. It seemed daunting at first, but things were going well, once I got to it. However, unbeknownst to me (YAY! I can finally take using that phrase off my bucket list), there was a team being set up to address this mess and solve it once and for all. And, being the guy in charge of recordkeeping, I was automatically drafted into this team. I spend a large chunk of our strategy meetings either trying to stay awake or trying to understand even half of what they're saying. And they expect me to vet documents they prepare to make sure they are doing it right.

So, to clarify where things stand, we have a bunch of men and women, with degrees up the wazoo, years of experience in things like project management and finance... Then you have me. The guy who spent ten minutes one morning making nunchucks out of paper clips and staples.

They're meant for me to protect myself against paper cuts.

I repeat: These people actually expect me to vet things like the "project charter" they're preparing, to make sure they are doing it right as well as help prepare a trending report for the past 12 months.

I don't even know what those are!

I'm not entirely sure where they got this idea from that I'm capable of doing anything they're expecting me to do. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm in over my head (well, maybe a little). I just assumed, when I joined the public sector, that it would be a bit less... complicated.

I'm scared.

This Isn't Goodbye... Okay, Yeah, It Totally Is Goodbye.

[UPDATE: I'm not quitting the blog!!! Sorry for the scare.]

Bigman,

While it may be the usual opening for these types of letters to say, "...it is with much regret...blah, blah, blah..." I won't start off that way. That way is corny. Cliché, even. Besides, in the case of this letter, that opening would also be dishonest, since I do not feel "much regret". Actually, I feel no regret whatsoever, if I'm to be completely honest.

I have learned a few things during my time at TinyCo. The main thing I learned is how to hold my peace and not complain about my job all over the internet (only one or two places) and especially here on the blog. I knew I was a patient man before we crossed paths, but you, sir, have helped me to take that patience to a near superhuman level. For that, I thank you.

Aside from learning about myself, I've come to learn quite a bit about you as well, especially in the last few weeks. I say especially within recent weeks because most of the staff, in fact, ALL of them are extremely frustrated right now. Since you refused to face them and left that up to me, I was able to learn quite a bit. Did you know that angry people aren't very good at keeping secrets about the person they are angry at? It's true! You should know that, collectively, they know enough about you to get you in a lot of trouble.

Friendly advice: You may want to stop ignoring their threats and make nice, really quick.

I can't even begin to express what I feel about the things that I have been told. Combined with what I already know from our interactions, I can safely say that you have left me close to speechless. If you truly knew me, you'd know what an accomplishment that is.

Bravo, sir!

I have chosen to refrain from name calling, but if I hadn't, "most despicable human being I've ever met" comes to mind. It isn't the first thing that comes to mind, mind you, but it's the only option that doesn't have the words "evil motherfucking bastard" or a similar variation. That would be crass and I won't to be crass...

At least, not today.

Anyway, the long and short of it all is that this is the end of the road for us. In the end, I choose to leave quietly and not give you a piece of my mind as I was tempted to do. Truth be told, as satisfying as it would have been, I realize it would be wasted on you anyway, since, in your own mind, you have done and can do no wrong. As such, I won't waste my time being blunt and direct about how I feel.

For that, I have the lovely Diane...

Well put, Diane. There's nothing more I can really add to that.

Later, Bigman. So long, TinyCo. It's been real.

Vinny.

********

Now that that's over with, go read what I wrote on Sprocket Ink.  There was a link, but the site is gone now.

I Made You A Gif.

This is my first ever attempt at a moving cartoon. Just a simple gif, but I thought I'd start with that.

The inspiration came from my job at TinyCo (as you can probably guess). It's basically how I spend most of my day there after my the boss's daily chewing out session.

By the way, did you know GIF is really supposed to be pronounced JIF? The creator of the format said so the other day.

The more you know...

Oh and if you're in the mood for something more, feel free to go to my post from yesterday on Sprocket Ink. It's about how far one guy in Japan went to protect his porno habit. It's funny (if I do say so myself) and there's a picture Japanese bikini model in it. What more could you ask for?