From A Friend

Dearest Douchebag,

With effect from February of this year certain laws came into effect that have placed a hefty fine on those caught in the act of using his/her cell phone while driving. I am in no means presuming to infer that this is news to you, as I am quite sure that someone as well informed as your douchy self may be well aware of this fact.

This why I was completely caught by surprise when I noticed that you were, in fact, performing the very act of which I speak. I made this observation as you almost run me over at that intersection yesterday afternoon. I’m sure you remember it well.

Thankfully, I was unharmed due to your sudden application of the brakes when you realized that you had run the red light came hurtling in my direction. I do hope that you understand how this could have prompted my intense emotional response and the somewhat colorful reaction which ensued. I meant no disrespect to your mother as I am sure she is a fine woman of high moral standing (Unlike I may have otherwise suggested at the time). Likewise, I am certain your look of disdain over how I so rudely interrupted your call (Which I assume was to secure the purchase of a handsfree device) was also in reaction to the highly charged situation.

However, now, upon reflection, I have to express my concern over yesterday’s events. As previously mentioned, the fee for being caught by the authorities is somewhat exorbitant as many have complained. I can only assume that this to instill fear in those you cannot afford to pay such a fee. You, however, seem well able to afford the cost of the fine. I make this assumption since your rather large, high-end European vehicle looked quite new (Despite what people say about the reasons behind the men’s choice of vehicle size I will cast no such aspersions).

No doubt, in attaining this vehicle you spent quite a pretty penny and, perhaps this may have taken a toll on your personal finances. If that is the case then you may be looking to conserve funds. Is that why your vehicle's tint was so dark? While you would be able to avoid immediate detection because of this, I should point out that there are also laws against it as well - of which I am certain you are also aware.

My dear douchy friend, I know that your financial means are of little consequence in this matter as I am primarily appealing to sense of right and the strong desire within you to adhere to the letter of the law. I am sure yesterday's incident was merely a lapse in judgement. However, in order to provide further incentive to motivate you toward the right decision in the future, I submit that obtaining one of these handsfree devices will only serve to your enhance your douchy appearance and further your douchbag status among your douchbag friends. If greater motivation ever existed, I cannot think of it.

I do hope that we are both able to learn and grow from this event and, one day, look back on our misadventure together as a fond memory. Until next we meet.

Your friend always,

Vinny C

Pedestrian