Wednesday, March 2, 2011

From A Friend

Dearest Douchebag,

With effect from February of this year certain laws came into effect that have placed a hefty fine on those caught in the act of using his/her cell phone while driving. I am in no means presuming to infer that this is news to you, as I am quite sure that someone as well informed as your douchy self may be well aware of this fact.

This why I was completely caught by surprise when I noticed that you were, in fact, performing the very act of which I speak. I made this observation as you almost run me over at that intersection yesterday afternoon. I’m sure you remember it well.

Thankfully, I was unharmed due to your sudden application of the brakes when you realized that you had run the red light came hurtling in my direction. I do hope that you understand how this could have prompted my intense emotional response and the somewhat colorful reaction which ensued. I meant no disrespect to your mother as I am sure she is a fine woman of high moral standing (Unlike I may have otherwise suggested at the time). Likewise, I am certain your look of disdain over how I so rudely interrupted your call (Which I assume was to secure the purchase of a handsfree device) was also in reaction to the highly charged situation.

However, now, upon reflection, I have to express my concern over yesterday’s events. As previously mentioned, the fee for being caught by the authorities is somewhat exorbitant as many have complained. I can only assume that this to instill fear in those you cannot afford to pay such a fee. You, however, seem well able to afford the cost of the fine. I make this assumption since your rather large, high-end European vehicle looked quite new (Despite what people say about the reasons behind the men’s choice of vehicle size I will cast no such aspersions).

No doubt, in attaining this vehicle you spent quite a pretty penny and, perhaps this may have taken a toll on your personal finances. If that is the case then you may be looking to conserve funds. Is that why your vehicle's tint was so dark? While you would be able to avoid immediate detection because of this, I should point out that there are also laws against it as well - of which I am certain you are also aware.

My dear douchy friend, I know that your financial means are of little consequence in this matter as I am primarily appealing to sense of right and the strong desire within you to adhere to the letter of the law. I am sure yesterday's incident was merely a lapse in judgement. However, in order to provide further incentive to motivate you toward the right decision in the future, I submit that obtaining one of these handsfree devices will only serve to your enhance your douchy appearance and further your douchbag status among your douchbag friends. If greater motivation ever existed, I cannot think of it.

I do hope that we are both able to learn and grow from this event and, one day, look back on our misadventure together as a fond memory. Until next we meet.

Your friend always,

Vinny C


  1. Did you at least slam your fist on his hood? You need to go to stunt acting classes, you could have done a beautiful flip, roll and then writhed in pain on the ground.

    College paid for, financial woes a mere distant memory.

  2. Dude, did you pull a Charlie Sheen invective on him?! He totally deserved it. This letter is quite restrained. I'm very impressed. You meditate every day or something?

  3. You had me at douchebag

    Well said my friend.

  4. I could not have said it any better than you just did.,

  5. "I meant no disrespect to your mother..." Heeheehee. Good stuff, my friend.

  6. So... I'm sensing you don't quite have a taste for witnessing people talking on cell phones while driving? Oh, and remind me how you feel about HUGE cars too?


    ツ my cyber house rules dot com

  7. Some may disagree with me, but I am actually fine with people using their cell phones while driving... so long as they are good at it. As soon as they almost run someone over though, they have proven that they are not good at it, and the privilage should be revoked.

  8. Dear pedestrian,

    I bought the road on which you were allegedly grazed and was having a most important business call with someone significantly less important than me, who was insinuating that I fell behind on payments for aforementioned car.

    Most affectionately,


  9. @ Nubian: Dang! Why didn't I think of that? I would have been all set.

    @ subWOW: Yes I do actually. Sometimes I don't have time to do it at home so I meditate during class. Oddly, the lecturers seem to thing I'm asleep.

    @ jerrod: Thanks. Heh. To be honest, when I was writing it your letter came to mind. You could say that this was inspired (*read as: ripped off*) by it.

    @ Oilfield Trash: I'm sure your way would have just as good and more-um-direct.

    @ Sugar Free: Honestly, I shouldn't have brought her into this... No matter how many potential fathers I might have alluded to her... interviewing besides the one he knows of.

    @ Nikki Rules: Sadly, it's a problem we're all too familiar with here too. As for the old saying about guys & vehicular compensation, I've never found out whether or not it was true. To be honest, I've always had a preference for compact models, myself. ;)

    @ paulsifer: The sad truth is most of them prove on a daily basis that this type of multitasking is beyond them.

    @ AC: Dear Douchbag,

    Thank you so much for the update. I knew there had to be an understandable reason for what occurred. Your prompt response is greatly appreciated.

    Say hi to the wife & kids...

    And their real father(s) from the car dealership.


    P.S.: That was a pretty good discount you got, wasn't it?

  10. great post, love the line "I meant no disrespect to your mother" lol
    hilarous commenters too :)

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  12. Dear Pedestrian,

    Someone took the shiny away and the wife and kids left. Karma sucks.

    Less affectionately,

    Pedestrian Douchebag

  13. Vinny, you had me at douchebag. I love it when you use colorful language but sorry it was due to such a traumatic event. Hopefully you threw your soiled underwear at that douchetard's front window!

  14. Bwahahaha...I can't stop laughing long enough to think of anything witty to say. You've said it all already. Awesome, just AWESOME.

  15. Nice. Oprah approves this too.

  16. @ IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY: I think he loved it maybe a little less than you did.

    Quite a clever bunch indeed. I’ve learned so much from you all.

    @ AC: Dear Now Pedestrian Douchebag

    It most certainly is.

    Fondest wishes,



    @ The Empress: The thought crossed my mind. In the end I decided he wasn’t worth losing my favorite boxers over. Nothing a little detergent couldn't fix.

    @ Nari: The entire situation had me speechless as well… for about three seconds, at least. After that I was very vocal.

    @ dbs: Ooh! Ooh! Think she’ll mention me in her book club? That would be awesome!

  17. I'm with Jerrod, the juxaposition of d-bag to every other word lifts this post into an artistic stratosphere.

    *fellow pedestrian with fist raised in solidarity brother*

    cue the Rage Against The Machine

  18. @ Lance: Yeah! Let 'em have their traffic jams & road rage.


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