I'm Easily Amused.

Every now and then, when I get bored (which happens often), I end up goofing around on the computer and one of two things happen. I either create something absolutely brilliant or the boredom passes with nothing of substance happening. I count this morning's bout of creativity as the former. Because this morning, I made this:

I know! I just crack up every time look at it. Its genius is in its simplicity. I posted it on my Facebook and Google Plus pages and it's been a hit there. Hell I even posted it on that Tumblr thing I never use. I'm that proud of it. Annnnnd I'm beginning to suspect I maybe a little vain at this point.

Br'er Rabbit - A Meeting In The Forest.

Deep in the forest, on a dark, moonless night, three shadowy figures sit in an abandoned old shack. Their silhouettes are faintly illuminated by the lone candle set in the middle of the table around which they sat.

Br'er Fox: The rabbit has to be stopped!!!

He slamed his fist on the old table. The candle wobbled violently. Sis Cow leapt from her chair and caught the candlestick, steadying it with her hooves.

Br're Bear: Calm down, Br'er Fox. That's what we're here to discuss.

Sis Cow: Yeah. Don't get so worked up. (Sis Cow lowered her voice to a whisper) He might find out what we're doing.

She looked out the window to her right. There were small shards of glass lodged in some of the corners. The house was very old, dank and musty. Whoever lived here abandoned it long ago. It was set deep in the heart of the forest, far from where anyone else lived. Away from long, listening ears. Perfect for their little meeting. Still, she felt uneasy. As she stared into the cold, black forest, she hated being out so late at night, so far away from her husband. Ever since that night...

Br'er Fox: I'm not afraid of that damn rabbit! Just give me five minutes in a locked room with him, where he can't bolt or hide and you'll see. I'll put an end to him, once and for all.

Br'er Bear: You mean like all those times in the past when you could have "put an end to him".

Br'er: Fox: Don't you sass me, Br'er Bear! You think 'cause you're big I'm supposed to be scared of you. You think I can't take ya?! The rabbit's outsmarted you too. Not that that'd be too hard.

Br'er Bear: Yeah. So what? He's tricked all of us. And quit with the "stupid" cracks or I'll break you in two.

Br'er Fox grips his walking stick, showing he doesn't intend to back down from Br'er Bear's threats. They lean into each other over the table, sizing each other up, eyes locked.

Sis Cow: Boys!!! Stop it! You'll clue the rabbit in for sure with all this noise. Sit down. We're not here to fight each other, remember?

Reluctantly, they sit back into their chairs.

Sis Cow: You said we have to stop him, Br'er Fox. You're right. But how? He's gotten the better of us every time.

Br'er Bear: It's that damned briar patch he lives in. We can't get to him as long as he's in there.

Br'er Fox: We could burn it. Set the whole damn thing on fire. That'll take care of the rabbit once and for all.

Sis Cow: No! His wife and kids live in there too...

Br'er Fox: Burn the lot of 'em alive, I say. They're all trouble. Are you forgetting that it was all of them that milked you dry and how they left you out alone in that field all night with your horns stuck in that tree, Sis Cow?

Sis Cow gasped and covered her face with her hooves as the memories of that night came flooding back. She began to sob.

Sis Cow: I feel so violated. If my husband only found out what they did...

She sobbed some more.

Br'er Bear: Now look what you did, Br'er Fox! That wasn't called for.

Br'er Fox showed no remorse. He simply scowled and leaned back in his chair. Br'er Bear gently patted Sis Cow on the back with his paw to console her.

Br'er Bear: Look Sis Cow is right. We ain't here to fight each other. Let's just focus on the rabbit. Are you sure we have to kill him. I mean, I know he's a pest but...

Br'er Fox: You're too soft. Both of you. Neither of you got what it takes to do what needs to be done. What you're saying now, Br'er Bear, isn't a surprise to me. The rabbit's done the least harm to you. How do we even know you're committed to this?

Br'er Bear: He tricked me into hanging upside down in your trap so he could get away! He made me look real stupid.

Br'er Fox: I'd think you'd be used to that by now.

Br'er Bear: I told you! Enough with the wisecracks about me being stupid! 

Sis Cow had begun to regain her composure. She could see that the situation was getting intense again. She knew that if Br'er Fox kept at it. Br'er Bear would most certainly rip him to shreds. She decided to take Br'er Fox's attention off of goading Br'er Bear.

Sis Cow: You act like you're so smart, Br'er Fox! At least I wouldn't have thrown Br'er Rabbit away... into the briar patch... where he lives, if I caught him. "Oh, please! PLEASE! Anything but the briar patch!" Ha! You're sooo smart, alright! Neither I nor Br'er Bear would've fallen for that at least. I can tell you that much.

Br'er Fox growled at Sis Cow's sarcastic tone. It took all of the will he could sum up not to leap over the table and take a bite out of her throat. Br'er Bear snickered. Sis Cow hadn't intended on her words to come across so venomous but she was still upset at Br'er Fox for the way he had conjured-up those memories just now.

Br'er Fox: Well at least I've been tryin'! More than I could say for any of you.

Sis Cow: And while we're at it. A "tar baby"? I mean, c'mon, Br'er Fox! Racist, much?

Br'er Fox: Don't look at me like that! It's the rabbit's tastes, not mine. We all know about his... habits.

Sis Cow: Yeah. I remember the video you showed us that you recorded on your cell. The way he wailed on that tar baby... (She shuddered at the thought) Scary. I feel a little sorry for his wife. He almost never let's her leave the briar patch. When she does come out, she's always so quiet and she looks so scared... so sad.

Br'er Fox: All the more reason we have to put an end to that blasted rabbit. He's a menace, a bully. He walks around likes he owns the place. We'll never live in peace until he's gone. So, are we agreed on what has to be done? We work together to stop him for good, right?

They all nodded in agreement. Now it was only a matter of coming up with a plan that would snag the infamous Br'er Rabbit and finally put his trouble-making to an end.

********

This little ride on the Character Assassination Carousel was brought to you by Ninja Mom. An awesome writer, a mother and so much more, she does it all with mad ninja skilz. Every month a blogger is invited to tear a well deserving piece of kids' literature a new one. Check out the previous participant, Alicia from Naps Happen. Stay tuned to find out who takes part next.

Maybe We'll Move To Japan Instead.

We're having a tiny snag in our moving plans. Our soon to be new landlord has decided to pressure us for an early payment prior to our moving in so he can do renovations. This was not what we initially agreed but he's decided to play hardball. He's hinting at giving us what we paid him so far to secure the apartment and canceling the entire deal if we don't come up with the extra funds. This is a problem. We've already notified our current landlord of our intention to move out next week when this month's rental period expires.

Then we went to look at some more places and found the most perfect apartment. It's a new building with all the amenities. Plus, it's $500. (TT) cheaper than we pay now. But the best thing is the view. OMIGOSH, the view! I wish I could have taken a picture to show you guys. I could sit in the front porch all day and never go inside. That, unfortunately, presents the only problem. The amazing view is because the apartment is nestled in the hills of an area called St. James which is locally famous for horrendous traffic on the main road (strike one). The apartment building is on the same street Mrs. C used to live on when we were dating but much, MUCH further in and really hard to get in and out of (strike two). Then there are the steps leading from the street to the apartment. We estimate that they are at least twice that of her former home down the road.

It's a lot.

Again, not the actual steps, but close enough.

We were both literally gasping for breath by the time we got up to the top. There's no way Evie, Mrs. C's grandma, could handle that. (strike three).

In the end, we had to pass it up (WHYYYYYYYY!!!).

So, the choices we're faced with is trying to find the additional cash the current landlord-to-be is clamoring for, asking the current landlord to extend our stay another month, or trying to find yet another place by next Tuesday. Not good.

On the brighter side of things I've got another story for you all over at Sprocket Ink.

Yes, it is about Japan again. I know, but that country is a never-ending source of weirdness. But in a good way. Go check out the story if you don't believe me. It's got-um-employees in the sex industry assisting budding dentistry students. How about that?

I Heart Japan!

Yeah! That's what I said. And I meant it too. Japan is like geek Mecca. Japanese anime is (duh) from Japan, Know what else is from there? Nihonshu (also known as Japan Sake).

Wine from rice. Awesome!

Some of the best video game designers ion the world are from where? That's right! Japan. The samurai come from Japan. And don't for get ninjas! We all love ninjas, right?

And you want to know what else I love about Japan? Well go over to Sprocket Ink to find out.

Forget what I said. Japan isn't geek Mecca. Japan is geek heaven!!!

Living With A Ninja

I'm one of those lucky people who looks younger than he really is. While it's true I don't often get enough sleep and don't always maintain a healthy diet, I have to attribute my youthful appearance to living an otherwise boring healthy-ish lifestyle. I keep alcohol consumption to a minimum, I've never smoked and, for someone who's **cough** only a little **cough** overweight, I keep pretty active. None of this is to in any way pat myself on the back but to come to the point that, taking all of this into consideration, even I can't totally resist the ravages of time. I realize that the gap between the age people think I look like and my real age in slowly narrowing. This was helped considerably by the fact that I recently left a very demanding, very stressful job in banking which caused me several extra pounds and some dark circles under the eyes - which have mostly faded, thankfully. I've managed to hold the wrinkles at bay but I'll often get a reminder from Mrs. C in the form of a, "Don't make that face. I causes a "line" on your nose bridge." whenever I make my signature "scowl of disapproval". And, of course, the appearance - albeit brief appearance - of the odd gray hair from time to time is unavoidable.

Now, if it were up to me they'd stay right where they were. "Live and let live." I always say. As long as no harm's done. My lovely wife, however, has made it her personal campaign to fight the signs of aging tooth-and-nail and to the bitter end and, thus, has put Father Time on the top of her personal shit-list. In her ongoing battle, she has acquired certain practices and skills to aid in her "War On Time". She has developed a vigilant, undying resolve that keeps her ever on the lookout for any incursion old Father Time may attempt to make into our lives. She has even developed a ninja-like ability that grants uncharacteristic stealth and resourcefulness.

Bring it, old man!!!
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To illustrate what I mean by ninja-like skill I'll give an example: There was this one time I was, only by pure luck, able to wake up to find her slathering some vitamin e extract "ninja brew" around my eyes to "...soften the skin and prevent wrinkles..." SHE'S BEEN DOING THIS TO ME WHILE I SLEEP! For how long? I don't even know. I'm scared.

As previously mentioned the appearance of gray on my scalp is very brief. Once these little buggers make an appearance, they stand out against the sea of jet black follicles they try to cohabitate with and, once they're spotted, they're gone. This is where her prowess excels.

The first instance was innocent enough. We were getting ready to go out and she said to me, "Is that a gray hair?"
Since I was looking in the mirror at the time I turned my head to see the side she was looking at, "Well, so it is." I replied causally,  "Hmph.", and continued about the business of getting my tie to the right length.
At this point she got the tweezers and quickly plucked the lone rebel from the side of my head, "Not having that." - This would later become her battle cry, of sorts.
I'm not sure if was my protest at the sharp, sudden and unexpected pain I received or if it was my statement that this was a natural process of time and you couldn't fight it, but whatever the case, she decided to get clever after that.

Her level of skill became even more evident in a following instance: I was hunched over my computer, casually minding my own business, she was on the couch watching TV... Or so I thought. Without warning I, once again, felt that sharp, unexpected tug on my scalp followed by the newly adopted "NOTHAVINDAT!" battle cry.

I consider my peripheral vision to be excellent - superhuman, even - but she was able get up, go into the bedroom for the tweezers, return (which involved passing right behind me to get there and back, no less), stand behind me and grasp offending hair with tweezers (not to mention that she was initially able to detect a single strand of gray hair from about ten feet away). Impressive, you say? That's nothing compared to a time after that while we were watching TV together. She was sitting, I was lying down with my head on her lap - cozy, no.

Then, suddenly...

"NOTHAVINDAT!" Pluck!
"Ow!... What the hell!?! Are you carrying the tweezers around with you now?"
"No."

I believe her.

I should have suspected something earlier, though. The most obvious sign that I should have noticed was where she lived when we were dating. The house was at the top of a hill with these steep concrete steps leading up to this front door. Now that I think about it, that really does resemble an ancient Japanese temple.

It's eerie how similar this looks to the steps leading to my wife's home back then.
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Another sign is that no matter where I hide ANYTHING, she is able to somehow sense that something is hidden and know where I hid it.

And there was the time...

"NOTHAVINDAT!" Pluck!

Ow!... What the...!?! Oh, c'mon!!!