No Sweat.

Dear Sweat Glands,

We've been together a long time. All my life, in fact. That's a long time. I had hoped that, one day, we'd have come to a mutual understanding that would allow us to function together with minimal conflict. Unfortunately this has not been the case. During our time together you have caused me nothing but embarrassment.

While it may be of no concern to you, having to spend the first half hour of my mornings in the office men's room, "toweling" off with handfuls of paper towels is not how I would prefer to begin each workday. Even after that, the telltale pools of sweat on my shirt remain for some time after I am forced to admit defeat and proceed to my desk.

You provide a necessary function, the primary of which is to prevent my body from overheating if I have to exert myself while performing my day-to-day activities. However, I feel you can be a bit overzealous of the performance of your duty, since very little exertion is required on my part for you to spring into action. And when you do spring into action, it cannot be said that you do not give it your full effort. While this level of performance is admirable in most other fields, it is not a necessary nor appreciated effort from you. I think you should ease on the pace a bit.

I know there are issues that make your job harder. For one, we live in the tropics. I know. It's hot. I cannot help this fact. But we were born here and have always lived here, so I don't understand why you are not more used to the conditions. As such, I fail to see why you would think the heat is a good excuse for you to act up the way you do.

You should know that I don't like exerting myself. This is mostly because of you and your zeal, since I actually consider myself an active person. Unfortunately, having to exert myself can't always be helped, so if I have to walk a little faster, or choose the first form of transportation - even if it isn't air conditioned - I would like to think that you would be understanding about this. But let's be honest with each other, this isn't the case, is it?

There is also the fact that I am somewhat overweight. I accept the blame for this but, again, this is something that you should be used to, since, with the exception of a few short years during my late teens, I have always been overweight. Still, this is something I can fix and have been working on. In truth, we can both agree that my weight issue has improved significantly in recent years, so while you get some leeway for this, it isn't much.

Through all this I cannot help but notice that the vast majority of individuals I encounter every day are not usually afflicted in the same way. Overweight people, people who are in a hurry, people who take public transportation or any combination of these. Not to mention that, like me, all of these people I meet live here in the tropics and have to endure the climate. This leads me to believe that the problem lies in your aforementioned overzealousness.

Is it personal? Have I wronged you in some way that has prompted you to be my lifelong enemy? Or are you just an asshole? Whatever your motivations may be, know now that I am hereby putting you on notice. I am in a new setting, among new people and I will not be the "sweaty guy" here too. This is why I have chosen to write to you today. I am no longer willing to be a hapless victim of your tireless assault. Know that, no matter how long it takes, no matter what steps I have to take, I will find a way to end your reign of terror.

Getting real tired of your shit,

Vinny.

Lovers' Spats.

Couples fight sometimes. There's no avoiding it. Put two or more people in close proximity for long enough and there are bound to be disagreements. It's human nature, I guess. Add emotional attachment into the mix and things become a whole lot more volatile.

Sometimes fights are a result of some huge issue. Cheating, abuse, etc. Relationships can end, lawyers can get involved... maybe even the police. Then again, sometimes those fights can be for minor, silly issues that no rational thinking person should get upset over.

Case in point, the age old toilet seat debate. Men just don't get it. We go in, we raise the seat, we do our business. We don't complain about why the seat was down. We have to raise it or there's most likely a mess to clean up afterwards. We don't want that, you don't want that. Even if we accidentally forget to lift the seat, most guys are okay with cleaning up after themselves. At least I am. Regardless, we don't complain.

Which woman has ever heard, "Dammit! Why is the seat down?! You know I don't always have time to look first! Now I have to clean this up..."

Answer: None!

Unfortunately, as we all know, it isn't the same the other way around. Women are not expected to keep the position of the seat in mind. In fact, the mere suggestion that she look before she... sit is considered ludicrous. As such, we men have learned to accept the role of toilet seat monitor.

But (let's all say it together this time) I digress. The fact is, this just one of many issues that, when thought about outside the context of a relationship, is absolutely insane to get worked up over.

That's the power romantic involvement has over us. When you're in love, they say you feel like a kid again. And it's true. In fact, it's obvious from the way love makes you behave. Fighting with someone you love is just a prime example.

In what other scenario can you call another adult names, yell, make faces and cry? At work? Pouting is generally not going to earn you much sympathy from your boss. With friends? Maybe in some cases, but you probably won't have too many friends who are willing to stick around for too long if you got offended and acted up if they didn't always "consider your feelings".

Relationships, the serious ones anyway, allow you to get away with all this and still expect the other person to make it up to you, if they're wrong (usually), or make you feel better. I'm sure most of us who are or have been romantically involved can remember being told we were acting like a child during a fight with the person we are/were involved with. Truth is we probably were. That's just how relationships go.

Let's face it. The whole idea of "mature" works great when it comes to getting along with coworkers, paying your bills and planning your retirement. When it comes to that person we share a bed with, we're all one comment taken the wrong way (or just one raised toilet seat) away from unleashing that bratty 5-year-old we keep locked inside.

Makes me wonder when exactly we start doing this growing up I hear people talk about.

You know who's a great example of this? This woman I wrote about today on Sprocket Ink.

She was mad at her husband, she reacted by letting rational thought take a back seat, she's in a lot of trouble now. There was a link, but the site is gone now.

This Isn't Goodbye... Okay, Yeah, It Totally Is Goodbye.

[UPDATE: I'm not quitting the blog!!! Sorry for the scare.]

Bigman,

While it may be the usual opening for these types of letters to say, "...it is with much regret...blah, blah, blah..." I won't start off that way. That way is corny. Cliché, even. Besides, in the case of this letter, that opening would also be dishonest, since I do not feel "much regret". Actually, I feel no regret whatsoever, if I'm to be completely honest.

I have learned a few things during my time at TinyCo. The main thing I learned is how to hold my peace and not complain about my job all over the internet (only one or two places) and especially here on the blog. I knew I was a patient man before we crossed paths, but you, sir, have helped me to take that patience to a near superhuman level. For that, I thank you.

Aside from learning about myself, I've come to learn quite a bit about you as well, especially in the last few weeks. I say especially within recent weeks because most of the staff, in fact, ALL of them are extremely frustrated right now. Since you refused to face them and left that up to me, I was able to learn quite a bit. Did you know that angry people aren't very good at keeping secrets about the person they are angry at? It's true! You should know that, collectively, they know enough about you to get you in a lot of trouble.

Friendly advice: You may want to stop ignoring their threats and make nice, really quick.

I can't even begin to express what I feel about the things that I have been told. Combined with what I already know from our interactions, I can safely say that you have left me close to speechless. If you truly knew me, you'd know what an accomplishment that is.

Bravo, sir!

I have chosen to refrain from name calling, but if I hadn't, "most despicable human being I've ever met" comes to mind. It isn't the first thing that comes to mind, mind you, but it's the only option that doesn't have the words "evil motherfucking bastard" or a similar variation. That would be crass and I won't to be crass...

At least, not today.

Anyway, the long and short of it all is that this is the end of the road for us. In the end, I choose to leave quietly and not give you a piece of my mind as I was tempted to do. Truth be told, as satisfying as it would have been, I realize it would be wasted on you anyway, since, in your own mind, you have done and can do no wrong. As such, I won't waste my time being blunt and direct about how I feel.

For that, I have the lovely Diane...

Well put, Diane. There's nothing more I can really add to that.

Later, Bigman. So long, TinyCo. It's been real.

Vinny.

********

Now that that's over with, go read what I wrote on Sprocket Ink.  There was a link, but the site is gone now.

The Six Month Curse.

I used to be pretty steady when it came to holding down a job. I was in banking for a little over five years, before that I was a customs clerk for ten years.  Seven with one company and three with another one (the place where I met Mrs. C) before that.

When I left the bank, though, it was right after the global economic downturn hit and since then I've been experiencing what I call the six month curse. I call it that because after the bank, the longest I could hold down a job for was six months before being unemployed again.

It happened with Soul Suck International - A division of the Ninth Circle. This is where I worked when I first joined the blogosphere. To be honest, I was actually there for more than six months. In total. But it was broken up into bite-sized portions. First I temped there for three months, was unemployed for two and was hired for the same position I temped for the first time after the original employee I filled in for left.

After a few months more of unemployment came The Paper. I was actually a reporter. My dream job!

There were some issues, but I can safely say I loved that job. I was going out on assignments, seeing places I might never have visited if not for that job. I even sent to the beach to ogle bikini-clad women interview the after Carnival crowd. Plus, I also got to interview people all walks of life from suspected criminals, corporate heads, to politicians (actually, maybe those "walks" aren't so different). Sadly, they weren't ready to commit to an unseasoned reporter and sent me packing soon after my six-month probation was up.

This time, unemployment lasted longer. A whole lot longer! I was home for nine months and was feeling pretty low. Not as bad as when the bank let me go, but close enough. Then came my current employer... TinyCo. The company I had to swear not to complain about on my blog so I end up posting countless obscenity-laced rants at least twice-no-three times daily.

Now, just six and a half months after getting employed with TinyCo it appears my six-month streak is still going strong. On Friday I found out my time there was coming to an end. Oddly, it isn't because the company crumbled like the house of cards that it is (the fact that it hasn't already really surprises me). No, this time it was from something totally different than any other reason I'd left those other jobs.

I... I...

I got a better job...

HAPPY DANCE TIME!!!

source: ME! I made this!

Oh yeah!

A while back I mentioned some good news on the horizon and this is it. To be honest I had actually almost given up since I interviewed for this job about two months ago. Sometimes horizons are further away than you think. Still there was hope. I had signs I made it successfully past the interview, but nothing solid.

Just so you know, it's a nice, comfy, boring, clerical gig in a government office. It doesn't pay as well as banking, but it's a higher salary than any of the other places I've worked since leaving the bank. Best of all, I start with a one-year, renewable contract (renewable as long as I don't screw up royally). No more of that six month bullshit!

Coincidentally, would you believe two days before I got the call that I was confirmed, my wife ran into the head of HR at The Paper and he told her they'd considering taking me back?

Life is funny sometimes.

All I had to do was call him and set a up meeting. I was hesitant, but with things going the way they were, I did end up calling the next day. After two failed attempts (both times he was too busy to talk to me), I was starting to feel like things hadn't changed there as much as he had hinted to Mrs. C when they initially spoke.

I actually planned to give it one more try the day after that, but before I got a chance, I got a call. The call! Needless to say, I didn't bother trying him back. As much as I love journalism, I'm willing to wait a bit longer. My GPA took a hard hit because of the demands of the job, so I'll finish school first, then try again.

So, this is where things have come to an end with us, TinyCo. We were doomed from the start and we both knew it. As for my ex-employer, The Paper, sorry, but it looks like we won't be rekindling the flame after all. At least not right now.

Playing Hooky.

Guess what I'm doing today. Think about it... Read the title of the post... That's right! I gave myself a day off today. Well, actually, no. I'm working from home, would be a better way of putting it. See, with the whole no phone and internet thing (yes, that's still going on), I decided I'd actually get more done if I was here at home where the internet connection is (mostly) reliable.

Added to that is the fact that I've been completely alone in the office for days now, with the Big Man gone back to the other office on the other island and my supervisor barely coming in herself. Remember Superstalker and Footinmouth? I forget to mention this before, but they're gone. They were part of the same work crew that was stuck in the office while while their van was being fixed. Well a few weeks back - for details I won't go into, since I swore I wouldn't rant about work on the blog anymore - I had lay them off. Actually, I didn't lay them off, the Big Man did. He just phoned in the instructions to me to do it.

But the last straw, as they say, was the cockroaches. Yup, I said cockroaches. It appears the heavy rain over the weekend forced a few of them indoors. I first noticed them when this happened.

So, yeah, all of this made me feel like I needed at least an extra day, outside of my normally hectic weekend, away from the office. This decision has absolutely nothing to do with the topic of today's post on Sprocket Ink. Although, I have to admit, the woman I wrote about today is something of an inspiration in the way she came up with the most elaborate excuse ever for skipping work. Of course, she's also a classic example of taking things too far and getting in a lot of trouble for it.

Social Interaction - Trust Issues.

I have trust issues. I seldom let my guard down around most people I interact with, because I don't want to leave an opening they can exploit. I'm not exactly sure where they come from, but I know there have been a lot of times this mistrust has come in handy. In fact, more times than not, I've found that people will try to exploit an opening if you leave one, so it's safe to say I won't be letting my guard down anytime soon.

People are dicks!

One of the trust issues I've found is most prevalent within me is that I have a problem accepting help from others. It's not that I think I can always do it on my own or I think, if I let someone help me, they're most likely going to screw whatever it is up and I'll end up having to do everything myself anyway, or anything. Well... Maybe I do a little... Maybe more than a little...

Okay, I'll be honest, maybe all of those things do contribute to my problems accepting help from people, but none of them are the main reason for it. The reason I really have a problem with it is because I would feel obligated to them. I don't like owing people (odd, considering how severely in-debt I am). I feel like, should I accept an offer from someone to help me with something, then they'll need help with something themselves one day and I won't be able to turn them down.

Don't get me wrong! I help people. In fact, I've been known to go a lot out of my way to help others. This is most likely a symptom of my other problem of having trouble saying "no", but the fact is, I still help people. Let's not get overly caught up in unnecessary details. Okay?

Anyway, being indebted to someone just makes the whole saying no thing harder. It gives me just one more excuse to feel guilty about it, so I try to eliminate that guilt by not putting myself in a position to own anyone anything.

Makes sense, right?

That aside, I also worry that the favor I have to do in return will be some huge task that's going to put me out and is most likely hugely disproportionate to the favor that person did for me.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! How could it be even remotely fair if I ask someone hold a door open for me, because my hands are full and in return, they expect me go on all the way to the other side of town to pick them up something or on some other kind of epic journey?

So... yeah. I'm a bit hesitant to owe people favors.

What's also weird is I don't remind people of when I do things for them (I know! I'm like a saint or something). I can't think of a single time I said to anyone, "Remember the time I helped you?" At least, not out loud anyway. I never said I don't remember when I helped someone out. Even if they pretend they don't.

Oddly enough, this reluctance to be indebted to others is a common trait held among the people of Japan (yet another reason for me to believe I'm slowly becoming one of them). This is something I only learned recently and I mention it in my post today on Sprocket Ink.

Imagine that...

In that post I talk about the great lengths one guy goes to so he can help the people who would rather say "no, thank you". All you have to do is click here (No, no! Sorry! Site gone away now!) and you can see for yourselves what I'm talking about.

I mean-! Only if you want to! It's not like I'm asking you for any favors, or anything. It's totally your call. I mean, I'd click a link if you guys asked me to, but this isn't about what I'd do for you and there are no strings attached. Nope, none whatsoever.

Vinny Unplugged - Work Edition.

By the time you read this, I'll be at work... with NO INTERNET!!!

I know! It's been that way since Wednesday. I'd explain more, but I'm trying really hard to keep my vow not to complain about my job here on the blog. What I will say is that it involved a colossal amount of ineptitude and cheapness on the part of someone who will go unnamed. Since, I'm the one who's complaining, you know it's not me I'm talking about.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I'm most likely going to be spending my day doing this...

Or this...

YEAH! I'm recycling drawings! So what?!

But you won't have to. I've left you all something to, at least, help you get through your day. A brand new Sprocket post. In fact, I have TWO you posts for you. Check out Sprocket co-founder Nichole's interview (there was a link to it, but the site is gone now) with yours truly in the first of Sprocket Ink's weekly "Interview With the Writer" series. Get to know more about me than you probably did before (or wanted to).

My post today, I can't provide a link for, since I'm writing this before it drops and I'll be (ugh!) offline when it does. But just head on over to Sprocket. It won't be hard to find. It's the one with the Japanese police officer with a severe addiction that leads him down a dark road. Trust me, you won't believe this one.

Anyway, that's it for me now. Have fun! I won't...

Tech Support.

You guys are so in luck! I have, not one, but two posts for you today. I have one here and I have one over at Sprocket Ink. So the real question you need to be asking yourselves is: Which post do you want to read? Hmm... Decisions, decisions...

source

Now that that's settled, let's get this party started, shall we?

I mentioned the other day that I helped a coworker, one of the crew supervisors, create his Facebook account. I'm normally here alone, but he and his crew were forced to work out of the office for most of last month, while the company van they drove was being repaired.

Technology is such a alien concept to him that he didn't even have an email address, which I also had to create for him as part of the process (Believe me, I'm as shocked by this as you are). As I said before, his first order of business after I signed him up was to stalk the women from his past. More specifically, he  kept asking me to do the stalking for him, since he hadn't quite joined the computer age just yet.

But he's learning. I made sure of it. Having to stop in the middle of my blogging tweeting Facebook stalking of my own work to help him was an inconvenience, to say the least. That's why, in an effort to free myself up to go back to doing my own thing, I took time out of one of my days this week to show him how to surf the web himself.

You see, I believe in the old saying that if you cyberstalk on a man's behalf, he can only ogle women's photos once, but if you teach a man to cyberstalk, he can satisfy his ogling desires whenever wants.

What can I say? I'm a giver.

Of course, teaching him to surf the web, much less properly use a computer is time consuming too. That's why I stuck to showing him how to find his way to and around the old book o' face, which was all he was really interested in anyway. Seemed like a simple enough endeavor, right? I thought so too... Until he had to use the mouse, that is.

This is my mouse. There are many others like it, but this one is mine!

I know what you're thinking. What's easier than using than a mouse, right? I didn't think there was anything to it, myself, until I actually had to show him how to use one. This was basically how my little training session with Mr. Supervisor-stalker (or "Superstakler") went:

Superstalker: Hey! I think I know her. How did she know I was on Facebook?

Me: She probably doesn't. Those people are your suggested friends. Facebook finds them for you.

Superstalker: Wow! Really? Okay. I want to see if it's the same person, though.

Me: Alright. Just mouse over (my first mistake was using "technical" terms during my lesson) the person's name and-

Superstalker: Do what? (See?)

Me: Just make the pointer-I mean-the little arrow thingy (I've always been a quick learner) move across the screen until it reaches her name.

Superstalker: ...um...

Me: Just move the mouse in your hand in the direction you want- That's it! Oops! You went too far. Just go back a little and- There you go! Good job, buddy!

Superstalker: *smiles gleefully*

Me: Alright, move the arrow over to her name there and- No, too far. Go back to her name again. Right. Now carry the pointer across slowly until you reach her name... Uh... Not that slowly. (Life's too short to wait for him to get there at the speed he was going). Okay, now just click the mouse with your finger while it's over her name... No, get it right over her name. No! Not "above" over her name. "Over" over her name (I can't believe I actually had to say that). On it! ON. THE. NAME. It'll turn into a little hand when you get it right.

Superstalker: Wow! It did change!

Me: Yeah. Technology's amazing, isn't it? Anyway, try to keep the mouse still when you click. No, click with the other finger.

Superstalker: What other finger?

Me: Your index finger. The one on the left. No, right hand, left finger. Just push the button under that finger.

Superstalker: I don't see any button.

Me: Trust me on this. It's there. Keep the mouse still when you click it! There you go!

Superstalker: Well, I'll be damned.

Me: I know, right? So, is this the person you're looking for?

Superstalker: Yeah. We went to school together. So, how do I send her a request?

Me: Just click on that green box that says, "Add Friend".

Superstalker: What green box?

Me: To the top of the screen. The only thing that's green on the entire screen. It has the words "add" and "friend" in it.

Superstalker: ...um...

Me: Just carry the pointer up... Up some more... Just a little bit more... Ri-No! Go back! Right there. Now click on that box. SIGH! Try to keep the mouse from moving. Try it again. Alright! Done.

Superstalker: Can I see her pictures yet?

Me: (No surprise there) It doesn't look like she has them blocked. I guess you can.

A few clicks later...

Superstalker: Who's this?

Me: One of her friends, I guess.

Superstalker: Can I send her a friend request too?

Me: Do you know her?

Superstalker: No, but she is HOT.

Me: Well, I guess. But she may not accept if she doesn't know you.

Superstalker: What about if I send her a message and tell her how pretty she looks?

Me: SIGH! Sure. Why the hell not? You go right ahead, buddy.

And don't get me started on the eight chat windows and six tabs he accidentally opened. TOGETHER!

********

Now, for my next trick, I'll magically transport to my other post over at Sprocket Ink. Just click on the link.  (There was a link, but the site is gone now.) No! Click on the word "link". No, the first one! Hold the mouse still over the word. Not "above" over the word. Hold it "over" over it! Good. Now click. Oh, for the love of- Use your index finger!!!

It's Quiet... Too... Quiet.

I know! I. know! This blog has remained post free for eleven days now. In my defense, there hasn't really been much going on that I would really consider "post-worthy". It's just been an endless cycle of work, to class, to home, to work...

You get the idea.

Since I've renewed my vow to not to fill my blog with endless complaints about work, that leaves me with little else to talk about and, as I mentioned before, since I'm encased in a small office, mostly by myself, that leaves little in the "coworker hijinks" (can you believe "hijinks" isn't in Blogger's dictionary?!) department worth talking about either.

In short, I'm bored, friends. So. very. very. bored. Truth is, had it not been for all your posts (and video games) to pass my free time I would have been bored out of my skull these last few days.

I mean, unless you count how I helped a supervisor (a total internet noob), who had to spend this week working out of the office, set up a Facebook account and how he then spent the following two days asking me to find every girl he'd ever dated or wanted to date EVER, so he could drool over their photos and send  them friend requests and personal messages about "how they look like movie stars" and "how he loved their smiles" as something worth writing about then, no, not a thing has been happening here.

I'm pretty sure his wife, who has been described as a "psycho bitch", would not be my new best pal right about now.

Anyway, multiple acts of digression aside, I'm here to inform you that I have an actual post written and waiting for your longing eyes at Sprocket Ink. Believe me, it's a whole lot less scattered and confused than what you just read here.

Mostly.

So, as usual, click this LINK (there was a link, but the site is gone now).

Just pick your poison, as they say. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.

NOPE... THAT DIDN'T COME ACROSS AS CREEPY AT... ALL...

In The Meantime...

I'm back! Well, I'm sorta back. Truth is I'm back at Sprocket Ink. I was there last Tuesday too. Here... not so much. But I promise I'll be back here real soon and, hopefully, I'll have some good news to share, for a change.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with a little something I did over at Sprocket today. Boobs are involved (of course), but that's about the only appetizing thing this story has going for it. Well, that and the fact that I wrote it and it's funny (if I do say so myself).

You know what to do. Just follow the link (there was a link, but the site is gone now) and enjoy.