Friday, August 2, 2013

Tech Support.

You guys are so in luck! I have, not one, but two posts for you today. I have one here and I have one over at Sprocket Ink. So the real question you need to be asking yourselves is: Which post do you want to read? Hmm... Decisions, decisions...
Now that that's settled, let's get this party started, shall we?
I mentioned the other day that I helped a coworker, one of the crew supervisors, create his Facebook account. I'm normally here alone, but he and his crew were forced to work out of the office for most of last month, while the company van they drove was being repaired.

Technology is such a alien concept to him that he didn't even have an email address, which I also had to create for him as part of the process (Believe me, I'm as shocked by this as you are). As I said before, his first order of business after I signed him up was to stalk the women from his past. More specifically, he  kept asking me to do the stalking for him, since he hadn't quite joined the computer age just yet.

But he's learning. I made sure of it. Having to stop in the middle of my blogging tweeting Facebook stalking of my own work to help him was an inconvenience, to say the least. That's why, in an effort to free myself up to go back to doing my own thing, I took time out of one of my days this week to show him how to surf the web himself.

You see, I believe in the old saying that if you cyberstalk on a man's behalf, he can only ogle women's photos once, but if you teach a man to cyberstalk, he can satisfy his ogling desires whenever wants.

What can I say? I'm a giver.

Of course, teaching him to surf the web, much less properly use a computer is time consuming too. That's why I stuck to showing him how to find his way to and around the old book o' face, which was all he was really interested in anyway. Seemed like a simple enough endeavor, right? I thought so too... Until he had to use the mouse, that is.
This is my mouse. There are many others like it, but this one is mine!
I know what you're thinking. What's easier than using than a mouse, right? I didn't think there was anything to it, myself, until I actually had to show him how to use one. This was basically how my little training session with Mr. Supervisor-stalker (or "Superstakler") went:

Superstalker: Hey! I think I know her. How did she know I was on Facebook?
Me: She probably doesn't. Those people are your suggested friends. Facebook finds them for you.
Superstalker: Wow! Really? Okay. I want to see if it's the same person, though.
Me: Alright. Just mouse over (my first mistake was using "technical" terms during my lesson) the person's name and-
Superstalker: Do what? (See?)
Me: Just make the pointer-I mean-the little arrow thingy (I've always been a quick learner) move across the screen until it reaches her name.
Me: Just move the mouse in your hand in the direction you want- That's it! Oops! You went too far. Just go back a little and- There you go! Good job, buddy!
Superstalker: *smiles gleefully*
Me: Alright, move the arrow over to her name there and- No, too far. Go back to her name again. Right. Now carry the pointer across slowly until you reach her name... Uh... Not that slowly. (Life's too short to wait for him to get there at the speed he was going). Okay, now just click the mouse with your finger while it's over her name... No, get it right over her name. No! Not "above" over her name. "Over" over her name (I can't believe I actually had to say that). On it! ON. THE. NAME. It'll turn into a little hand when you get it right.
Superstalker: Wow! It did change!
Me: Yeah. Technology's amazing, isn't it? Anyway, try to keep the mouse still when you click. No, click with the other finger.
Superstalker: What other finger?
Me: Your index finger. The one on the left. No, right hand, left finger. Just push the button under that finger.
Superstalker: I don't see any button.
Me: Trust me on this. It's there. Keep the mouse still when you click it! There you go!
Superstalker: Well, I'll be damned.
Me: I know, right? So, is this the person you're looking for?
Superstalker: Yeah. We went to school together. So, how do I send her a request?
Me: Just click on that green box that says, "Add Friend".
Superstalker: What green box?
Me: To the top of the screen. The only thing that's green on the entire screen. It has the words "add" and "friend" in it.
Me: Just carry the pointer up... Up some more... Just a little bit more... Ri-No! Go back! Right there. Now click on that box. SIGH! Try to keep the mouse from moving. Try it again. Alright! Done.
Superstalker: Can I see her pictures yet?
Me: (No surprise there) It doesn't look like she has them blocked. I guess you can.

A few clicks later...

Superstalker: Who's this?
Me: One of her friends, I guess.
Superstalker: Can I send her a friend request too?
Me: Do you know her?
Superstalker: No, but she is HOT.
Me: Well, I guess. But she may not accept if she doesn't know you.
Superstalker: What about if I send her a message and tell her how pretty she looks?
Me: SIGH! Sure. Why the hell not? You go right ahead, buddy.

And don't get me started on the eight chat windows and six tabs he accidentally opened. TOGETHER!


Now, for my next trick, I'll magically transport to my other post over at Sprocket Ink. Just click on the link.  (There was a link, but the site is gone now.) No! Click on the word "link". No, the first one! Hold the mouse still over the word. Not "above" over the word. Hold it "over" over it! Good. Now click. Oh, for the love of- Use your index finger!!!
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  1. He sounds just like my parents. I mean the part about not knowing how to use a computer. Not the part about stalking women online.

    1. My own mother knows more about using Facebook than this coworker of mine. It'd be great if she'd let up on the "pokes", otherwise, I'm proud she's so progressive.

  2. I see that he is going to provide many blogging opportunities. I look forward to reading about them if he doesn't land up in jail for superstalking. Do they have access to Faceplant in jail?

    1. Sadly (not really), his crew's van was repaired yesterday so he won't be in the office much anymore. Let's hope he avoids jail. If he does end up in there, karma dictates he ends up the one being stalked and getting "requests".

  3. You've got to be kidding. That's painful. How does he not know how a mouse works. Wait until you really blow his mind by showing him a laptop mouse pad. Or melt his brain completely by showing him the magic of a smartphone. And to Christian's point, my mom does stalk women online, she's always looking up my brothers' ex-girlfriends.

    1. Funny story: The company cell he was issued is a cheap little thing, but it does have a built-in camera... which he uses to take countless selfies... which, now that he has a Facebook account, he keeps asking if I post for him.

      I feel another lesson coming on.

  4. Whoa. Maybe don't show him where the porn is.

    1. I don't have to. One of the guys on his crew is the one I once caught surfing porn sites on my computer when I left him alone in the office to go to lunch. Needless to say, I don't EVER leave them alone in the office together.

  5. It's been a long time since I've met someone that in the dark about computers. Even my Mennonite co-supervisor has a pretty good handle on how to work a mouse.

    1. He's a rare find nowadays, to be sure. A relic from a much simpler time... who probably should have stayed there.

  6. Scariest message ever from my Dad "Can you help me sort my facebook"
    Somehow he has managed to open two accounts.
    Which is probably a good thing as my mother keeps "losing' her Facebook.
    And apparently I am the tech whizz of the family.
    At least they know how to use a mouse, thankfully

    1. My family is reasonably tech savvy, so there isn't much worry there. Come to think of it, maybe a bit too tech savvy. One time I visited and it got to the point where I noticed everyone in the room (me, my two sisters, my mother, my nephew & a cousin, who was also visiting) were all ignoring each other because we were all busy on our smartphones.

  7. I think I had that problem 20 years ago.

    1. His excuse is that he's more the outdoorsy type & could never see himself being able to stay chained to a desk, staring at a computer screen all day.

      I'm sure his opinion will change once that guy on his crew shows him how to find all the porn the internet keeps so cleverly hidden.

  8. I somehow became the computer guru in my family which is hilarious since computers and I don't really jive. That mouse is the cause of a LOT of frustrations. Particularly in documents where there is the blinking writing line and the cursor pointer. They always get them confused.

    1. I'll be honest, I wasn't always so tech savvy, myself. Sure, I had a knack for figuring these things out, but I think my being a former IT student helped me.

  9. As rare a find as this guy is, and I do hope there is another lesson coming involving posting selfies (please DO explain the DOs and DONTs of that, LOL) I have to say that I love how you were positive and encouraging with him during your lesson. Were it me, there would be lots of heavy sighs and eye rolling.

    1. Everyone tells me I should have gone into teaching. To be honest, though, I think I was too fascinated by how little he actually knew to be too frustrated. It was like discovering a primitive civilization & watching them learn how to use modern tools. It was all for the sake of scientific curiosity, really.

  10. This is hilarious! I'm the unofficial go to computer person at my job, so I have dealt with a lot of these situations. Especially when we went paperless!


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