Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Five Scariest Words.

Bonus day!!! I'm here and on Sprocket Ink with two full posts. You are quite welcome. So click the link, go, read, enjoy and then come back here for desert. It'll still be fresh when you get back.

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It was a Monday morning like any other Monday morning. I was at my former workplace, The Paper. As I always do, I went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. As I neared my destination, I should have sensed there was something wrong. Had it been any other day, my senses would have been sharper. Perhaps, had I already had that cup of coffee, I might have noticed that nature was slightly off-balance. But I didn't. Not until it was almost too late.

I walked through the kitchen door and immediately it hit me. There was indeed a disturbance in the force. There, in front of me, stood Joy and Fitz (not their real names, obviously). They were locked on a stare reminiscent to when a gazelle looks into a lion's eyes and knows he's just breathed his last.
I didn't know what was going on, but every instinct I had screamed at me to get out of that room. Which, of course, I did.
The tension in the air was thick. Soon, Fitz tried (unsuccessfully) to speak.

Fitz: That's not what I meant! I mean- Um... All I was saying was- I didn't mean that you were... Please don't kill me.


This was bad. Whatever he had said, Fitz had crossed a line. A line no man should cross, and now his end was near. Poor Fitz. I almost never spoke to him, but he seemed nice enough. If only I had the time, maybe we could have even been friends. But it was too late now. I decided it was best I get to a safe distance before Joy decided to make me seconds.

After the funeral Later, I found out what had happened. Joy and Fitz had run into each other in the kitchen and were chatting. That's when Fitz said the words that would seal his fate.

Fitz: You must have had a fun weekend. You look fatigued.

I. know. He actually did say that.

Then Joy - the woman who always smiled, the woman who prefers to hug you instead of telling you 'Good morning', the woman who pouted for three whole days because management refused to let her put up decorations in the office at Christmas... Yes, that Joy - stopped. The smile which seemed to be etched on to her face was still there, but somehow it seemed twisted... EVIL. Her eyes froze in a deathly stare and she said the five words that will reduce even the surliest brute to a blubbering puddle of fear.

Joy: What's that supposed to mean?

Even I was rendered speechless just imagining the conversation. Fitz did manage to survive, but he was a shell of his former self. He spent the rest of the day lumbering around the halls, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Though it takes only a few hours for the spine to return to it's solid state, it would be several days before he could face Joy again.

We can only hope he learned a valuable lesson from his encounter and never makes that mistake in the future.


14 comments:

  1. At least he didn't say, "Oh, you're pregnant?" to a woman who just has a pot belly. Or suggest a woman looks older than she is. Or tell a guy his hair line is receding. Or after sex say, "that's it?"
    There are worse crimes of speaking without thinking, but not that many.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet there is no law to deal with those offenders.

      Delete
  2. There is no coming back from that...

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    1. Before I left, I think Fitz was mostly back to his old self. Except he used hide behind the potted plants whenever Joy passed by.

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  3. What Pickleope said. Danger.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which is why I choose my words very carefully, especially around women.

      Delete
  4. I thought the five scariest words were "ice pick to the penis"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true those have greater shock value, but an insulted woman can leave more devastating longer-term damage.

      Now if the insulted woman were to followup "what's that supposed to mean?" with "ice pick to the penis", well... that's the time to move & change your identity.

      Delete
  5. Wait. When did this happen? The part about "I was at my former workplace, The Paper. " Where have I been? And Joy is nothing but a phony balony. She's a bitch. End of story. But your job at the paper? I knew you weren't happy there, but?

    p.s. you're getting better and better at the cartoon thing! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It just happened late last week. The post before this explains. The good news is, I'll have some extra time to work on the cartooning.

      Delete
  6. Like how you exited the stage, spinning cup and all.

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    Replies
    1. Under the circumstances, the mug was an acceptable loss.

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  7. I love it! Well, not the "my former job" part. But I do love the part where this moron effectively managed to zap all the Joy from "Joy". Except... I don't really see what is wrong with what he said. Because if I look tired due to having a lot of FUN, I would own it. I guess she looked tired due to ... well... something else.

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  8. Wow. He's lucky to still be with us. Those aren't words you ever want to hear from a woman. On the flip side, there two words that a man should never tell a woman unless he wants to fight: "What's wrong?"

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