Monday, June 17, 2013

My Brain Can't Ever Be Left Unsupervised.

Sunday morning I was lying in bed, trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I hate getting up too early on a weekend and since I had no intention of getting up before at least Monday I decided I’d just lie there until sleep came back.

That has to work sometimes right?

Anyway, I was lying there and I decided to let my brain go on ahead and do whatever it wanted without me in the hope that it would be too distracted to notice when sleep crept back in. I tried not to focus on any kind of actual thought so it would get all excited and start thinking. Brains are like that. They always want to think at inappropriate times like when you’re trying to go to sleep. But it was during this time of letting my brain get distracted with all kinds of random thoughts, that this thought in particular suddenly happened.

“I bet I could totally kill a chicken!”


With that, my brain had something to latch on to and all hopes of sleep were gone.

Before you start wondering, there was an actal train of thought that led me to this statement. It’s not like I lie awake, thinking of who or what I’d be able to kill.

Beat up, maybe, but not kill.

Of course, even I had to retrace my brain’s steps to figure out where this thought in particular came from, since I wasn’t really paying attention to what it was doing. When I was able to get to the original thought that set this train in motion, it all made perfect sense.

“It’s all the internet’s fault I don’t get enough sleep.”

See? That makes things a whole lot clearer now, doesn’t it? If you’re not following (and I don’t see how you couldn’t be) I’ll break it down for you. It’s like this:

To date, the internet as we all know, is one of the greatest advances in technology known to man. I dare say it ranks right up there with double-sided tape and the Japanese Butter Stick.
The internet is also the greatest distraction known to man. One of my lecturers even said that the internet is also guilty of diminishing the attention span of today’s society. At least, I think that’s what he said. The dude was going on and on and I was starting to get bored. He really needs to learn how to take his rants down to 140 characters or less.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Chickens!

See, with the internet being the distraction it is, I more often than not, find myself choosing stay awake just a little bit longer so I can keep up with all the fun distractions the worldwide web has to offer. When I end up exhausted as a result, I sometimes wonder what the world would be like, not just without it, but without all the other newfangled doodads we have and the entire way of life to which we’ve grown accustomed.

I'd imagine there was some kind of apocalyptic event which would basically send us all back to the stone-age, technology wise. There’d be no more smartphones, or television, or any other of the modern conveniences and we didn’t have a choice but to actually “go outside” and “do things”. Of course, there’d be no fast food restaurants or convenience stores either, so finding food would require actually finding your own food... and possibly killing it and cooking it all on your own too.

This is where the chickens would come in. I figured at least a few of them would probably survive the apocalypse and unless there was some kind of radioactive mutation issue and chickens became vicious, man-eating beasts, I think  those would be easy enough to take on.

Or not...

Of course, I went on to formulating the proper technique for getting the job done with minimal blood spatter and creepy headless panicked bird running around. Then I thought about what the best way would be to get all the feathers off. I wasn’t sure, but figure I’d better look that up before the apocalypse took Google away.

That's how I came to the conclusion that I totally could do if I had to. I just need the circumstances to be just right for me to rise to the occassion.


  1. I love train of thought. And the internet.

    1. Truth be told, as much as I blame it for my not being able to rest, or focus, or interact socially, I'm pretty sure I'd miss it if it was suddenly gone.

  2. I'm pretty sure I could survive the apocalypse as long as I had one of those Japanese butter sticks.

    1. We can always count on Japan to give us hope for the future... No matter how that future may turn out.

  3. I agree. At least I think I do, I had 87 internet windows open and one started beeping and I got distracted....
    I'm no farmer, but I think you should worry about the feathers AFTER it's gone.

    1. Good advice. I'm willing to bet if a chicken wasn't ornery before, yanking its feathers out while it's still alive would not set it in a good mood. If things go south, I'll need to keep that in mind.

  4. That was quite the circuitous route to get to chicken slaughter. So what is the least bloody method? I assume snapping the neck, but who knows. The problem with killing a chicken is catching one. Rocky could barely catch a chicken, I don't think me with my poor cardio could catch one of those suckers.
    Also, butter sticks? What magic hath thou brought to me this day?

    1. Actually, I didn't really come up with the least bloody method, just the one that had the best chance of keeping the blood off of me because, ew! I figure if I just held its neck down with my foot until it bled out I could control the direction the blood went. Also, that would keep it from running about. But I guess snapping its neck wouldn't be a bad idea either.

  5. I know everyone has already commented on this, but OMG that butter stick is TO. DIE. FOR. And also? Totally followed your logic, man. You're all right by me.

    1. Thanks. So kind of you to refer to it as "logic" ;)

      The butter stick is something to behold, though. Isn't it? I only wish they had them here.


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