Monday, July 2, 2012

Me Vs. Nature: Part II - Natural Enemy.

MONDAY - 2:21AM: I sit, unable to sleep. Sleep was taken from me tonight by the incursion of an old enemy. Hopefully, by the time you're reading this I'll finally be able to go to bed. I suppose I'd better start at the beginning.

Mrs. C and I had settled down for bed. The lights were off, the room was cozy, everything was right. Sleep didn't come as quickly as it normally would, but eventually I began to feel consciousness slowly slip away. Like an old movie reel slowly whirring into operation, the random images that would be my dreams began to flicker in my mind. Sleep was coming, and I gladly welcomed it.


But this was not to last. From the part of my mind that was still semi-conscious, I could sense a disturbance. This was further emphasized when heard my wife next to me growl in frustration. It was then I came to just enough to hear what it was. Something had gotten all the dogs on the street riled up and they were all barking their heads off. Not the first time. I decided to ignore it and apparently so did Mrs. C.

Soon the lights in my brain began to flicker again as images began to fill my subconscious. I wasn't fully asleep when I felt it. A prickly feeling move across the back of my hand. In the dark my eyes opened as I flung my hand upward. That's right! A COCKROACH had just run across my hand!

cockroach - The Infiltrator !!! :)
I knew what it was instantly. At that moment, all it took was one fluid motion for me to be up, out of bed and flicking on the light switch. At this point I should point out that I'm not one to go into a panic when I see one of these things, but I will not - under any circumstances - tolerating them actually touching me. All this stems from something that happened a long time ago. An event that has been indelibly etched into my brain and may forever haunt me...

You see (*lays down on couch, clasps hands on chest and looks up at ceiling*) it all began when I was about 5 years old. I remember it well. I was getting ready for bed and putting my PJs. I had just buttoned up my shirt when I felt this strange prickling sensation on my stomach. Curious, I undid the buttons to see what was the cause of this sensation and there, running up my little chest, you can guess... Our gazes met, I shrieked, it flew away. I've been scarred since. It was a brief encounter but, since then, I've made it my mission to kill any of these creatures once they dared to venture into my personal space.

You understand.

Anyway, during this most recent encounter, my movements woke Mrs. C just enough to ask me what had happened. I told her what was going on and she, not being overly concerned, pulled her covers again.

I know, right? You'd think she'd at least be worried, especially since the hand the bug crawled over was the one that was thrown over her shoulder, which meant it was only inches from her face. Nothing! She wanted to sleep and nothing was going to stop her. Or at least she tried to. When she realized I wasn't taking the light off until I found the bug, she decided to use the opportunity to go to the bathroom.

It didn't take me long to find it. I've discovered over the years that cockroaches aren't very good at hiding when they're spooked and usually scamper around the place like crazy. This time was no exception. I grabbed a slipper and brought its existence to a quick end. By the time Mrs. C came back into the room I was already back in bed, satisfied that I had made the world a safer place. My wife, however, just gave me this kinda look and nodded before she flipped the light off again.

Honestly, she should have been thanking me. No appreciation whatsoever!

We settle in again. Several minutes passed as we lay in the dark. Satisfied that the ordeal was over I tried not to let the earlier excitement get to me and waited for sleep to come. Then... I heard a familiar fluttering.

Me: Son of a bitch!
Mrs. C: What?
Me: Another one just flew right above my head!
Mrs. C: GROAN!!!

Needless to say, the light was again. Only, this time Mrs C didn't bother to get up. She decided she was going to leave me to face my demons alone. This new invader was smarter than the last one and stayed hidden. After a few minutes I decided to call it quits and go back to bed. But it was no good. Did you know that if it's quiet enough, you can head them scurrying about? Well if you didn't, yes, you most certainly can. It was decided. I wasn't getting to sleep this night.

The cause? My best guess is that, for the first time in days, it rained yesterday. And this wasn't just any sprinkle either. The rains came early in the morning, poured for a long time and never really stopped until evening. Even when it lightened up, it continued all day. This, I suspect drove them from the vacant overgrown lot next door, seeking drier ground. Our open window was just the invitation they needed.

As for me, I got up, grabbed the can of bug spray and went into the living room where I surfed the web until sunrise. I couldn't spray the room since Mrs. C is still peacefully asleep in there so here I am. The bug spray is in case they decide to follow me outside too.

I'll sleep when the sun comes up. I'll be safe then.
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  1. Oh man, I feel your pain. I hate, despise, scorn, revile and am creeped the eff out about roaches. Other insects don't bother. Tarantuala? Eh. Chupacabra? Eh.

    You deserve an award, a cup of coffee, Japanese porn--something. Mrs. C must have nerves of steel. She is not of this world.

    1. I'll take that coffee... and maybe the porn. KIDDING!!! Truth is, she had to get to work extra early yesterday so she was determined to not let ANYTHING get in the way.

  2. I hate them too. When I was little, we lived near a laundromat and my mom says she can still remember what it sounded like when one dropped into a pot and couldn't crawl back out. I've never had any personal run-ins, but I doubt I will be merciful or calm when I do.

    1. Those things don't deserve mercy as far as I'm concerned. But I may be a bit biased in that opinion... Nah!

  3. Dude, living in the South has afforded me some bug horror stories as well. I feel your pain. However, unlike Mrs. C, The Mrs won't let anyone sleep if a bug is alive in the room.

    1. Bugs don't scare her so much. Heights, on the other hand, freak the crap out of her.

  4. I'm typically not bothered by bugs or spiders or anything and usually not cockroaches either. But sleeping while there is a cockroach in the room is like being in an Aliens movie. You know all they want to do is crawl into your mouth. You are a hero.

    1. Well... since I stayed up all night in another room, I'd say my wife's really the hero of this story.

  5. Great Post - I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight just thinking about that! Lol!

  6. Dude, those things skeev me out bigger than any other thing on Earth. Seriously. When I lived in Manhattan we'd get them occasionally in the apartment in summer and I couldn't relax a muscle while I knew it was there somewhere. HIDEOUS things. Usually they seemed to head for the bathroom probably as it was damper in there so I'd go in before work to take a shower and SURPRISE, a little gross, wavy, scuttling F*CKER would be in the tub. Incidentally, I just got itchy reading your entry. ZAP THOSE THINGS, YES!

    1. I've vowed to do an insecticide sweep of our room every night before we get to bed. It's either that or never sleep again.


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