Friday, December 6, 2013

Why Don't They Just Ask For It?

The other day Mrs. C and I came across this article on my Facebook timeline. The long and short of it is that it's a list of the 49 things men wished women knew about them. Why 49 and not 50? I don't know. I like round numbers, myself, but that's not the point of why I'm writing this.
Anyway, as we read it, Mrs. C occasionally asked me if this or that one was true and I saw more than a few things I could agree with as well as the one or two that didn't really matter to me. There was one item on the list, number 7, that stood out to me:

"If you want sex, just ask."

It seems simple. Doesn't it? But, apparently, it isn't. I noticed similar statements made in similar articles like this one so it stands to reason that more than a few guys have had to deal with women who refused to simply say, "Hey. I'm horny. Wanna do it?"

Why is this something guys have to continuously bring up? I myself don't have a wide variety of personal experiences from which I can draw conclusions, since I wasn't exactly playing the field before meeting Mrs. C seventeen years ago. Mostly, I observe how people behave and I listen (No 40 on the article does say that guys talk, after all). Maybe I draw wrong conclusions but it seems to me that there can be a number of reasons why there are women who don't ask for sex.
If you have to ask for sex, you give up the power.

"Make him beg for it."

"Reward him for his good behavior."

Sex has always been sold as being some kind of bargaining chip. It's something women are told they have to use to keep her man in check. He wants it, she has it and she controls access to it, so he has to get/remain in her good graces in order to earn it.
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This is how the movies and women's magazines sell it anyway. There's always a scene where one woman is giving her friend advice about making her man beg. There's always that weight loss/workout/fashion article that promises to make women so irresistible that men will always be the one who wants to initiate coitus.

With all that pressure to be the object of desire, I just can't imagine it would be easy to turn around and ask for the very thing you're supposed to be offered constantly. Maybe it's just my simplistic logic, but it probably amounts to the IT guy in the office having to ask the office assistant to debug his hard drive (no innuendo intended). For a woman who's been told all her life that she is the one who controls if and when sex is had, there's probably a lot of pressure in having to ask him for it.

Women just don't have to ask.

The idea is that not only do men always want sex, but we're always trying to initiate it. I'll admit, it's true... for the most part. We do want sex a lot. I mean, like, A LOT a lot. Are we ALWAYS willing to initiate, though? Not really. It seems a lot of women tend to assume the guy will constantly try to get in her pants so she doesn't have to make the effort. All she has to do is just wait. If he tries and she's up for it, everybody wins. If she's not, then better luck next time, bucko.
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One problem here is that men hate rejection as much as women do. Shut his advances down often enough and a man can get a little gun shy. Add to that the occasions when he genuinely isn't in the mood (those instances are extremely rare, but I guarantee you they exist). The end result, nights when he gives you a peck on the cheek and goes right off to sleep, leaving you lying there, ready and waiting... wondering what the hell he's waiting for.

First off, forget insecurities. It's not because he isn't attracted to you any more. If you gained 2 pounds this week, he more than likely did not even notice and it's more than likely he wouldn't be any less attracted to you even if he knew. The fire hasn't gone out in the relationship and there's nothing wrong (out of the ordinary) with him either. Fact is, he was probably in the mood too (we usually are, like I said). But maybe you were a little too quiet all evening and he assumed you were probably not in the best of moods about something (we won't ask because we're afraid you'll actually tell us). Maybe he said or did something to upset you. Maybe you said or did something to upset him. None of these might be enough to take you (or him) out of the mood for sex, but men are notoriously bad at judging just what gets women out of the mood. In those cases a man sometimes chooses to err on the side of caution and stay on his side of the bed rather than face the inevitable cold shoulder we're sure we earned for whatever offense we most likely committed at some point.

Even when genuinely tired, it usually won't take a lot of convincing to wake a guy up for sex. The level of exhaustion it would take for a man to turn down sex he knows he's going to get has to be equivalent to a near coma.

Only "those" kinds of women admit they want sex.

Another reason some women tend to not ask for sex is because they believe expressing their desire to get some makes them sluts. There's an old-school way of thinking that, despite going the way of eight-tracks and dial-up internet connections, is still perpetuated in small pockets of society, where only "dirty girls" acknowledge their desire for sex. Once a widespread practice, girls were once taught that, outside of satisfying those desires in her husband (for whom it is apparently acceptable to have) and baby making, if she expressed any interest in sex she might as well just strap on her thigh-high boots and faux-leather miniskirt (with matching jacket) and go stand on the nearest street corner to await whichever passing stranger would come along and satisfy her wanton desires. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but the way some women act shy in bed, that's the kind of impression men may get.

Needless to say, if she has this nagging sensation that sex as something to be ashamed of, odds are she isn't going to come out and say she wants it. Fortunately, as I said before, this way of thinking is becoming a thing of the past.

To any women who may even slightly harbor any such inhibitions about sex, relax. Most guys like their girls a little dirty.
Those are the ones I came up with. Maybe they're wrong. They are just my theories. What I do know that women don't need to be afraid of letting the guy know she's in the mood. Drop the subtle hints. As nice as it is for you to go through the extra effort, you don't need to plan something elaborate. Hell, you don't need to actually ask. Just point to the bed and say "strip!" Trust me. You won't need more than that. Honest.

12 comments:

  1. I think everything you said is true, but also, those loathsome movies you mentioned are always written by men. Seriously. That's how I believe men see women a lot of the time. But I think really it's just a throwback to the past where women were supposed to be submissive and silent and thought of as sluts if they should suggest they might like a roll in the hay. It's as simple as that. We're as worried about rejection as men are and I think sometimes shyer ladies might be embarrassed in some way. I don't know, it's dumb. It's no big deal and like you said, dudes are mostly inclined to oblige. :)

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    1. I don't think all guys think like that. Some, it's true, but a lot of us aren't. I think it's a case of the minority being in the position to have the most say. Take the fashion industry, for example. They think the anorexic look is "hot" so they figure if they keep telling us we'll keep believing it. Some movie makers are the same. Sadly, a lot of people still fall for it.

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  2. I can only speak for myself, but I've always been reluctant to initiate sex simply because I know I need a head start if I'm going to make the finish line. I've never been shy about letting my partner know I'm up for it though.

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    1. *Resists the urge to comment about warm-up techniques*

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  3. Speaking only from my experience, lists of generalizations generally don't address individual feelings. There are plenty of women who initiate. Then there are women, for whom asking for it, kind of dilutes the mood. The passion needed is generated by the desire the other person shows towards her. If any one of your or my reasons were true, lesbians would never get laid.

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    1. True. Plus, if we were to believe all the clichés out there, lesbians would also never hook up based on the mere fact that all women are supposed to not be able to stand each other's company. Guess there isn't really a simple answer. Which is also typical of women!! (BA-DUM-TSS!)

      Sorry.

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  4. Dude. It's like you were inside my brain.

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    1. You know what they say: “Great minds…”

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  5. This was really good. I'm looking forward to your posts about the other 48 things.

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    1. Yeah. This may end up being a series.

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  6. Well, If anything I am an aberration cause I am always initiating it. There is no power game - we are married, if you are using sex as a chip in some sort of game you have bigger issues in your marriage.

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    1. Agreed. Still, there are the ones who never outgrow playing games in their relationships. As a guy I never understood it. I mean, it's sex! Whenever you want, guilt free. That's got to be one of main bonuses to getting married. Oh and then there's the whole "love and companionship and building a life together" deal too. Those are important also.

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