Ever since I lost my job at the bank over ten years ago (yes, I'm still talking about this!) it feels like I've been stuck in the same place. Not physically, of course, I've changed addresses about as often as I've changed jobs in the last decade (which is a lot). Mentally... emotionally... that's something different.
As
we go through life we're constantly being told we have to reach some
point where we're meant to change. We're supposed to "evolve" into the
us we're supposed to be at that point in our lives. Lately, though, an
overwhelming feeling of stagnancy is leaving me feeling unsettled (ironic much?).
It's not like I haven't tried to move forward... at first. I thought I would just bounce back, find a new job (that paid just as well) and keep things moving after it all happened. Naturally, that wasn't the case. Instead, it felt like-it feels like every time I try to get back up off of the ground since then a new wave of shitty situations would just knock me back down and every time it did it was harder to get back up again. Little-by-little, before I knew it, I guess just stopped trying to get back up altogether.
Naturally, I've been stuck financially too. I haven't been able to clear off the debts I've amassed during those banker years when I could (barely) afford to maintain them in the first place. It doesn't help that new debts keep popping up that always take priority over the old ones. It also doesn't help that my salary's gotten nowhere near what I used to make despite being steadily employed for the past seven of those ten-plus years.
I know, I know! Life happens. Shame on you, Vinny! We all go
through the same crap and we're all expected to pick ourselves up, dust
ourselves off and keep on fighting. But when is it too much? Who decides
that we haven't reached our limit yet?
Now, with another big change set to happen next year* - a life-altering one, in fact - I'm feeling the weight of this (self-imposed?) stagnancy. I know I have to hit the marks I haven't even tried aiming at while I waited - in vain - for things to settle down.
Not gonna lie, it's making me feel a not-so-slight pang of desperation. Ironically, though, I think that desperation is what I need right now. I hate that it even took feeling desperate like this to wake me up. If you're not a super-self-motivated-hustler-go-getter nowadays you're pretty much failing at life, aren't you? Where's that ambition, Vinny? Where's your fire?!
In all honesty, I think I'm ready to find it.
(*Sorry but this big, life-altering change is not something I want to disclose right now. I will... in time. All I'll say is it's not good news.)
I absolutely know what you mean. I feel I'm in my own stage of waiting, especially after losing my job in 2018. I haven't found a permanent one yet and I'm trying to trust that God will lead me to the right one. But the timing is hard and I miss having a permanent job.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you are blogging! I am trying to get back too. But it's been rough there too.
I bounced around from job to job for 3 years (with large gaps of unemployment in between). I know your pain.
DeleteBlogging helped me get things in perspective before. I'm hoping it - once I can keep it going - that it'll help me again.
Hope things get more steady for you soon.
I feel you on this. It seems like the same ol, same ol each and every year. If you're fortunate enough to make more money then something will come up that will force you to spend the additional. I worry about the stability of my job all of the time. Mainly because the people running the company don't have me in mind when decisions are made. There's always enough money to go around for upper management, but not for middle and below. We all keep on waiting on some magic switch to be flipped to change our fortunes and allow us to exhale. I don't know if that will come or not, but luckily for us, we're built to get through what life has in store for us. Keep doing your thing, man.
ReplyDeleteImma keep on keepin' on. It's all I can do.
DeleteI know how you feel too. In my case, I'd say I've been stable-ish-ly employed for last seven years. I work on a three-year contract basis contract basis and have been fortunate that it has been renewed a few times consecutively. There's always the fear it's not going to be renewed through no fault of my own.
I'm sorry you've been going through such an extended time of depression. I'm not someone who thinks that we could, or even should, bounce right back. It's not the timing, it's that you do finally get to the point where you've had enough and you're ready. I'm glad you're ready, but with the ominous feeling I got from your reference to something happening next year, I hope you stay able to move forward.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told, that thing that's set to happen will be tough... but ironically, I think I'll finally be able to move forward after it does.
DeleteMy whole life, I was the lazy, unmotivated guy who "wasn't living to his potential". I heard that almost daily since my childhood. I jumped from job to job never spending more than 18 months in one place. I never made any real money, but I took the time and effort to go get a Master's Degree. Always willing to take a chance and never scared of change, but didn't stick with anything long enough for it to pay off.
ReplyDeleteFinally, I landed here in Vietnam. I call it slackers paradise. The cost of living to SO INCREDIBLY LOW that my lack of drive is okay. I need hardly any money to live here. I am 12 time zones a way from my family and that sucks, but I am not scrambling every month to figure out how to pay the bills.
I know my situation and past and initiative and temperament is not the same as yours, but hopefully the similarity is that you may find your place eventually. I was over 45 when I finally found mine.