The Fifth Pillow.

Dear Mrs. C:

I am writing this letter to once again draw your attention to an ongoing cause of irritation and discomfort which I still feel has not been adequately addressed. This cause of concern is, of course the fifth pillow on our bed.

While you may recall me making verbal mention of this point of contention in the past, I feel that my grievances have fallen on deaf ears as I am still, to this date, being negatively affected by the presence of this obstruction.

As I am sure you are well aware, at the commencement of our lifelong contractual partnership I was happy and satisfied with having but one pillow, while you yourself possessed three. While I did not understand the need for such lavish excess, I accepted this as your personal preference and left it at that. Following the merging of our lives, we soon worked our a satisfactory arrangement where your oldest (and presumably least comfortable) of the three pillows would take residence our newly purchased wicker chair. That allowed for a new pillow family of three to coexist in relative harmony on our bed.

You will also recall, that in the years since, I was forced to discard my pillow which I had owned since childhood and had outlived its viability and as such a replacement was subsequently sourced. You, around the same time, also decided to relinquish ownership of the oldest of your two oldest pillows - the one on the chair and and one of the two on the bed - leaving us on a level playing field with one each. However, not wanting to abandon your lifestyle of extravagance, chose to obtain a replacement as well. Thus, our pillow count remained at three.

Sadly, approximately four years ago, it became necessary to replace the aforementioned bed (a result of the combined efforts clumsy movers and persistent strain due to various other "activities"). We then opted for a more durable and comfortable memory foam model, which has served us well to date. To my chagrin, however, the manufacturers saw fit to include memory foam pillows as part of the purchase and our pillow count was increased to a whopping FIVE. Added to this, the wicker chair that had aided us in the past was no longer a viable option as we had donated said item to a relative. This left no place for the excess pillowage other than our new bed. This meant that you were back to three pillows while I, in turn, was forced to adapt to the use of two.

Arising out of this is the point of concern which I now wish to highlight at this time. Your insistence on having three pillows for yourself has proven to not only be excessive and selfish (I say this in consideration of all those out there currently without even one pillow to call their own), it is also very impractical. The fact is, you cannot and do not use all three pillows under your head as they were intended. This, I imagine, would be uncomfortable and bad for your neck. Instead, you opt to have the third pillow at your side.

The only purpose it then serves is in providing you with the convenience of having a pillow readily available when your frequent bouts of tossing and turning eventually angle you perpendicularly from your original starting position. Added to this, as most husbands and male companions who share a bed with their significant other will attest, there is already an unequal distribution of bed-space that all men must endure.

Over time, men have grown to accept this reality, and that in itself is not something with which I will bother taking issue. My mentioning of of this is only in relation to how this already unbalanced arrangement is further exacerbated by this interloping fifth pillow which permanently occupies space on the side of the bed (As outlined below):

As you can see, I am being made to pay the brunt of this cost.

All this leads me to call to your attention the repeated acts of displacement I must undergo when I am regularly forced out of bed during the twilight hours as you further encroach upon what little territory I am allowed to maintain. The most recent of these events has forced me to spend half the night on the couch in the living room, which, I might add, was a completely unsuccessful venture.

As I have stated earlier, this  is not the first time I have tried to draw this situation to your attention, however, your lack of action and overall dismissive nature in handling my grievance have forced me to elevate this matter to the next level, hence my preparation of this official notice. It is my hope that this action will prompt you in joining me on working toward an amicable solution, benefiting all parties.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you.

Vinny C

Husband