Sunday, August 23, 2015

Bend It Like Vinny.

I've been a delinquent blogger lately. I blame this mostly on work. I'll admit, I haven't been handling the recent changes well and as the realization that I'm now a permanent fixture in this division set in, I guess it started to get to me a little... Okay, more than a little. In the end, however, it's just something I have to deal with and, if that doesn't work, I can always apply for a transfer to another division. However, since I'm not too eager to take a spin on that roulette wheel, I've been trying to make the best of things as they stand.

So, what have I been up to? Glad you asked. There have actually been a lot of stuff going on that I should have dedicated entire posts to but due to lack of motivation my busy schedule they all just sat in the dark corner of that one shelf in my brain where post ideas go until they reach their expiry date and have to be thrown out or get thrown together into one update stew in the hope that something palatable can be cooked up. Surprisingly enough, sometimes, in picking through those post ideas, I find one or two may actually have enough "meat" for consumption on their own or, as in this case, has a longer expiry date than others.

I think I've sufficiently picked that metaphor clean...

Anyway, let's get to the reason I gathered you all here. You see, a few weeks ago, it finally happened. It was finally suggested to me that I should work in porn (cue the random search results linking this blog to sexual deviance... again). It wasn't suggested because of my dazzling good looks or rock-hard abs, mind you. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty but my abs (as well as most of the rest of me) are safely insulated under a generous coating of fat. For their own protection.

How the remark came about was as a result of my freakish flexibility. If I mentioned it before, I don't remember, but I can do all kinds of stuff like front and side splits, touching my palms together behind my back and things like "the bridge" with no trouble at all.
Like this. Only imagine, instead of a small child, a moderately overweight male in his late thirties... or not. Probably better if you don't.
Combine this with my Thai-boxing and what you have is a short, fat guy who can kick guys much taller than himself in the head with little to no effort. Unless the other guys more than six feet tall. Then, I might need a running start.

Anyway, the other day I was showing off stretching (yes, I still have to stretch) and, when I do this, three things normally happen:
  1. Most, if not all present will end up stopping what they're doing to watch (in horror).
  2. This is followed by a few of them collectively shuddering as they imaging the pain involved in a normal human body bending the way I do.
  3. Since we make fun of each other as much as we work out, someone always has something snarky to say and that'll usually draw my attention to the eyes that are on me.
The time in question, I was told I was wasting my "God-given talents" by not working in the adult entertainment industry and that there should have at least been a "Fifty Shades of Vinny" out by now (actually, the title of this post could work too). So, if nothing else, at least I've got that going for me.

Now, this is the place where I said you'd have to be a masochist to train. Added to that the fact that my nickname there is "Hentai" (Japanese for perverted). I'm not sure how I got that particular nickname. Maybe I shouldn't have explained to them the meaning of the phrase, "donkey punch"... so I guess a suggestion like this isn't totally outside the realm of possibility.

On a side note, since I am working out anyway, I decided to give weight loss a try (just to make it challenging). I've lost a few pounds. Nothing to make a big deal about and certainly nothing to religiously keep you updated on either.

You're welcome.

Truth be told, I've been apprehensive about losing weight. I have two working theories right now that against my losing weight:
  1. Ever notice how people who have lost weight look like their heads got bigger? I know it's just that the rest of your body gets smaller while the head didn't have a lot in the way of fat storage to begin with but I don't want to look like my head got bigger.
  2. If I'm this awesome when I'm overweight, then losing weight will release my true power and trigger a series of events that end up with me saving the world. That sounds like a lot of work, if you ask me.
All that aside, losing weight seems to be an unwanted side effect of consistent gym attendance and participation so I may have a pornstar physique someday soon after all. Maybe it's not too late to consider possible career options.


  1. Welcome back, good luck on the weight loss, and THANK YOU for not obsessively updating us. I mean, letting us know when milestones are hit is cool, but I have friends who balloon up and down and won't shut up about their diet regimen. It becomes frustratingly sad.
    Wait, "front and side splits"? There are more than one type of splits?!? That's how inflexible I am, I can't imagine being able to sit with my legs crossed let alone do splits in more than one direction. By the way, isn't the flexibility important in porn to the one receiving? The giver/inserter doesn't really benefit from flexibility, but the receiver/insertee is traditionally the one who is thought of as flexible, right?

    1. Now that you mention it... You know what, maybe I don't need consider a career switch anytime soon after all.

  2. 1- I think the head-is-bigger thing only happens with bariatric cases.
    2- So that's what hentai means... don't ask.
    3- If you really want to change careers, two words- Ron Jeremy.

    1. No lie, I used to work with a guy who "claimed" to party with Ron Jeremy.

    2. @CW: I'm not so sure. There's this guy in our IT department who went on some extreme diet/weight loss program (no surgery) & now he looks like one of my stick cartoons.

      @Both: Ron Jeremy? Wait! Will I end up joining PETA? That's it! You've talked me out of it.

  3. Congratulations on the weight loss. I'm no so appreciative of the flashbacks you've given me to the Swinger I used to work with that looked like Jack Black.

    1. Sorry... Though I guess there are some similarities. You could say I'm the (poor, less successful) version of Jack Black. But since I'm (mostly) black, I guess I'd be Jack White.

      ...Again... sorry.

  4. Go ahead and lose weight Vinny (if that's what you want) but I'm glad you'll never lose your sense of humour.

    1. Me too. Though I tend to misplace it from time-to-time

  5. As someone who also does Thai boxing, flexibility just never came to me. No matter how much I practice kicking I've come to accept that a liver shot is about the highest I'll get, and anything above the chest is reserved for a punch.

    And maybe I'm watching the wrong kind of porn, but I don't think I've ever seen one where the guy does the splits.

    1. Yeah, I'm starting to think that guy at the gym who suggested it is into a different type of porn than I am-I mean!-than I may have heard of through some random source...


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