Monday, October 24, 2016

Some Things We Can Never Understand.

A long, long time ago, I once held certain beliefs. Beliefs I was certain were true and – yes, I admit it – I even looked down on others for not being as enlightened as myself. However, as I grew older and experienced more of life, I began to have doubts about these beliefs. I started to question whether these things I believed in were really the “truth”.

Now after years of having those beliefs tested and disproved, I realized I didn't actually know more than the next guy after all and I was just as blind and ignorant as everyone else.

You see, right up until my late teens, I firmly and foolishly believed I understood women.

It's true! I honestly thought, naively, that I had women figured out. STOP LAUGHING!!! It took actually getting personally involved with a woman to dispel the illusion. Before that, I thought observation was enough to come up with viable explanations for their behavior.

I'll give you a moment to regain your composure,..

You see, I'm the first of three children to my parents. My two younger siblings are both girls. To me, my sisters' behavior as well as their day-to-day activities proved invaluable research material. Added to this is the fact that I started noticing girls from an early age. Actually, if I had to be accurate, I didn't notice "girls" per se but "women". When I was a child, girls my own age didn't interest me. I was more fixated on curious about more... developed members of the female gender.

I think it was as a result of how "developed" they were.

As advanced as I was, though, it this was nothing compared to my nephew. My earliest memory of him was taking him out for a walk. I had to carry him since he was even too young to crawl, let alone walk, at the time. During our outing I noticed that every time we passed an attractive woman his attention was immediately captured and he would stare at her intently until she was no longer in sight or another one had caught his eye. I noticed he only did this for attractive women. He was completely oblivious to everyone else who passed by.

That’s when I knew, of all the children I may even be an uncle to, he would always be my favorite.

I digress, however. Between the belief that I understood my sisters and my "thorough observation" of women outside the contained environment of my home, I eventually came to believe that I had figured out the mysterious entity known as woman.

Of course, I was yet to actually get involved in a romantic relationship with one. I believed as on outside observer I had gathered enough information.

Then I met Mrs C.

After that I realized just how misinformed I was. No amount of observation could have helped me. Even after years of close, personal contact, I can safely say I still don't ‘get’ women. In fact, I dare say the more time a man spends in a relationship with a woman, the less he understands the gender as a whole.
Case in point: You get chewed out for not doing something – for example, let’s say your crime was not opening a door for her. There are tears, you hear things like, "You don’t value me!" and you are made to feel like you’re possibly the worst boyfriend/husband in the history of boyfriends/husbands to ever blight the Earth. To correct this, the very next day, you look for the next opportunity to right your wrong. However, upon opening that door for your lady-friend, instead of being praised for your efforts at be a better man and show how valuable she is to you, you are instead met with a bewildered stare as she wonders why you would think she wants you to open a door for her. This is the twenty-first century after all. Women are more than capable of opening their own doors, driving, voting, running major corporations and still bringing life into the world!

You chauvinistic pig!
How can a man ever be prepared for this?

Even the way women interact with each other can throw us men off. Recently, Mrs C bought a new bra. It’s not something she does often as the cost of bras is ridiculous. I mean, seriously! Why is it I can eight pairs of boxers, some t-shirts, make a down payment on a new car and still have enough left over to buy lunch for the same price as one of my wife’s bras?! Anyway, the salesgirl convinced her her current breast support system was inefficient and she needed to invest in an upgrade. A few days later she was in another store trying on a blouse and the salesgirl there complemented her new bra (I guess salesgirl number one was right on the money). Mrs C thanked her, tried on a few more things and life went on.

This was normal! Women can be changing in a locker-room and, if one is wearing cute underwear, it’s okay for the others to notice and pay her compliments on them. In the men’s locker-room no one compliments anyone on anything he sees. I can’t imagine any scenario where one guy can complement another on his underwear and things would not get weird after that. Not even once has anyone ever told me they thought my underwear was cute. But that’s just how it is, I guess.


If you've ever wondered why so many men seem to be fixated with the idea of girl-on-girl action it’s probably in part due to how women can openly flirt with each other... That and the fact that a lot of us guys are just perverts.

Second case in point: Mrs C made a friend recently. A very good friend. They met in the gospel group where they both sing backup and they’ve been in the lovey-dovey - sometimes flirty - stage of their relationship. They send each other cute messages and call each other cutesy names like “babes” and “honey”. When they talk on the phone Mrs C looks so happy and they can go on like that for hours. They even went out on a date the one time.  I've come to refer to her as the other woman. Still, this behavior too was apparently normal and completely non-perverted from a "girlfriends" perspective.

So, in conclusion, I can only surmise that women are...odd. I mean this with no offense intended whatsoever. They’re odd in a fascinating way that keeps men on their toes so it's "odd" in a good way really. And, yes, men are odd too, of course. We're all odd. It's what's connects us as a species. Of this much, at least, I'm sure.


  1. Men might comment on each others underwear more if it cost as much as that bra. Of course, that would be a pair that included duely carbs in the front and a chrome tailpipe in the back...

  2. So, you took your experience with two individual women and extrapolated that understanding of two individuals to mean you understood the whole of an entire group, then met another individual from that group and realized that maybe the stereotypes you had developed might not be complete enough to define that entire group of people?!? Get out of here. I don't believe it.
    The underwear scene is also probably more sad than you're seeing. Some women might feel comfortable commenting and being commented upon in a dressing room setting because they spend all day every day having their bodies sexualized and scrutinized by society, that a peer who has experienced the same thing, day in, day out, when buying groceries, when getting gas, when just walking down the street at noon on a Tuesday; that this shared, objective perspective might be welcomed. Or maybe dudes are so wrapped up in their gross sex ideas that they are unable to offer any opinion on each other's appearance out of deathly fear of homosexual implications because "all comments on appearance are sexual in nature" is what men are conditioned to believe.
    I really think that we've been conditioned by years of lazy sitcom writing to think that "women be like..., and men be like..." instead of approaching everyone as individuals.

    1. I never considered most of that. In my defense, I was a pretty clueless, as teenagers go. The lazy sitcom writing messing with our perspectives of each other, I did figure out... Those and romantic comedies... And action movies... And porn. Basically, all entertainment media, to be honest.

  3. When I was in my 20s, I knew everything.
    When I was in my 30s, I thought I was an idiot in my 20s, because I had everything figured out.
    When I was in my 40s, I wanted to go back in time and smack the hell out of my 20s and 30s self. Those morons.
    Now that I'm in my (late) 50s...uh...what was the question?

    1. I'm about to enter into my 40's & I already want to smack 30's me upside the head. I wouldn't mind going back & giving myself 20-year-old self a good asskicking too. Teenager me, though, I'd give him a hug & let him know not t be so hard on himself.

  4. I've learned it's not about understanding women; instead it's about understand the one woman who loves you. That made it a lot easier.
    P.S. Hilarious underwear ramblings.

    1. I understand her, at least... Most of the times... Okay, half the ti-... Every now & then.

  5. You've still got a ways to go, Vinny. Calling women "odd" in public? Not sure that's going to work out well for you . . .

    1. B-but I said that men were odd too! Doesn't that count for something?


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