Friday, November 19, 2010

Conversations With Mrs. C: Pillow Talk

Early morning hours: I'm awakened by my wife just coming to bed.

Me: Hey, you. What time is it?
Mrs. C: About half three.

I suppose I should shed some light here. My wife doesn't work a regular daytime job. She works from afternoon into late evenings doing end-of-day data processing. On top of that she developed insomnia about two years ago - partially thanks to the job hours - which comes and goes. It's become common for her to finally turn in at these kinds of hours.

As usual, we quickly discuss the plan for the day ahead and settle in. After a few seconds of silence:

Mrs. C: I think we should stop using toothpaste.
Me: Huh?
Mrs. C: Fluoride is unhealthy. You know it's actually a poison?
Me: Who have you been talking to?
Mrs. C: Nobody. We should probably try to get spring water too. For drinking. Don't they put it in the water too?
Me: I don't think they don't do that in Trinidad.
Mrs. C: Oh. Well chlorine isn't good either. Anyhow, you can make your own toothpaste from coconut oil and salt and...
Me: I'm guessing we can kiss minty fresh breaths goodbye, then?
Mrs. C: I'm serious! You remember when you talked about moving to the country and starting a farm? I think we should do that. It's much cleaner out there.
Me: (Pretending to be asleep)
Mrs. C: We could raise or own livestock. All the meat we get now is filled with chemicals.
Me: Do you know how to slaughter a cow?
Mrs. C: Well I was more thinking chickens. (She didn't wait for me to ask if she knew how to slaughter chickens) Besides, country people are friendly. One of our neighbors could do it for us.
Me: You've been up surfing the net all night, haven't you.
Mrs. C: I!... A little...
Me: Okay, I think you need supervision, or something, whenever you go on the net. You always end up freaking yourself out. The web's not controlled. Anybody can say anything there and you can't believe it all.
Mrs. C: I know that, but...
Me: Time to sleep now.
Mrs. C: 'K.

A few more seconds pass.

Me: You know I'm totally gonna blog this, right?
Mrs. C: (Pretending to be asleep)


  1. I love blogging about intimate personal stuff. My hubs always asks me: "Are you gonna BLOG about this too?" Yup. Everything can and will be used against him in my blog...

  2. Sometimes my wife says the strangest things too. And to be honest, so do I. That's marriage.

  3. Sounds like me.. insomnia and net surfing ideas. The DH thinks Im a wackado most of the time...he may be right =]

  4. Haha! This sounds all too familiar; especially the part where I tell Mrs. C (my Mrs. C, not yours) that it's going to turn into a blog post :-)

  5. This sounds like my wife and me also, except it's me coming to bed late, and her telling me about the things she's read. Weird.

  6. @ Miss Nikki: The rights of those who know bloggers: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in my blog. You have the right to comment. Should you make a comment, know that I own this bitch and the little trashcan next to your remark."

    @ dbs: Totally. People see my wife & I as some kind of comedy duo but I think a good relationship needs these kinds of inane conversations.

    @ Midwestern Mama Holly: I'm beginning to realize that this is more widespread than I thought. I wonder if anyone's looking into this Insomnia/Web-Surfing Paranoia syndrome?

    @ Dr. Cynicism: Thank you SOOO much for the bracketed section.

    @ paulsifer42: I've been tallying the votes so far & I think it's official: Married peoplez iz crazy!

  7. 1) this blog is awesome.

    2) I grew up on a farm and guess what? you can totally trade some of the meat to have a local butcher come and do the whole meat processing of your livestock for free! you get the good steaks and stuff and he keeps the parts you don't want and sells it.

    3) your wife sounds like she would get along very well with mine. google fiend. hardcore.

    4) i just had a conversation with the wife tonight that ended in me saying "I'm SOOO gonna blog abotu this." but now I'm tipsy and can't remember what it was. I just know she was b eing ridiculous. Damn you alcohol!

  8. @ Peter: Gracias. I'll be sure to pass that info on to Mrs. C. Looks like we're one step closer to farm life after all.

  9. Not all country people are friendly. Some hold up shotguns to the heads of traveling salesmen. I know country people like this. I was married into their family for a while before my husband ran off, and I am not kidding, with my sister in law.

    I swear I am not inbred and crazy, I was way too young to be a marryin'. But I did, then I backed away slowly and got a divorce and moved to the city. Because wow.

    I just gave you a lot of information, but I wanted to warn you that country isn't always the way to go. If you do it, don't trust anyone with your hos. Keep tabs on them with the internetz and stuff. If someone asks to borrow your ho, follow them to the shed.

    There are some perfectly nice hillbillies out there, though. Perfectly. Nice. *slide whistle*

  10. @ Chelle: Keep an eye on my hos and watch out for shotgun weilding hillbillies. Got it! Thanks for the warning.

    Wait... Your husband and... your sister in law... EWE!


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