Saturday, March 2, 2013

What's Done In Darkness...

Mrs. C: Vinny... Vinny, wake up!
Me: Huh? Wha..?
Mrs. C: I did a naughty thing... Now it's stuck.
Me: (Fully awake) What?!

Mrs. C hands me her tablet. I'm greeted by the image of a naked Brazilian woman who is bent over and giving me a clear view of her lady bits.

Mrs. C: It's frozen. I can't close it and it won't turn off.
Me: *laughs hysterically*

To properly tell this story I need to go back a little bit. I mentioned a few posts ago that my wife wasn't into porn. While that is true, it isn't like she's never seen an adult movie. Truth be told she actually started to get into it when we first got married.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK!!! I had nothing to do with it! I made a point of never pushing her in any direction she isn't comfortable. But, like most people she got curious. After a while, her conscience got the better of her and she stopped. Still, every now and then, she gets curious again and she gets tempted to sneak a peek.

Last week Mrs. C’s uncle, The Evangelist, decided to give her a gift of a brand new Galaxy Tab 10.1 as a sort of “thank you” for taking care of his mother, Grandma Evie, and to help her with her law school studies. Am I jealous? A little. But now we don’t have to share the laptop, so I can live with it. She was glad, obviously. Before that we sometimes argued over whose assignment was more urgent, so it was a great gift.

Anyway, fast forward to 1 AM on Friday morning, when Mrs. C tried to watch internet porn on her new Galaxy Tab... the one that her evangelist uncle - the one who helped to raise her for a few years - gave her. And the whole thing froze. Karmic much?

The following is a dramatization of how she explained the situation unfolded:
Mrs. C: So, you see, it was just one thing which led to another. It's not like I set out to watch porn. The link is fake, by the way. Don't click on it if someone sends it to you on Facebook.
Me: No shit.
Mrs. C: Anyway, I thought it froze because it was overheating so...
Me: In the freezer?!
Mrs.C: I thought it needed to cool down!
Me: Cool down?! How long were you up watching porn? (And what kind of porn were you watching that would heat the tablet up so bad?)
Mrs. C: I don't know! A while... STOP LAUGHING!!! This is why I didn't want to come to you with this.
Me: Sorry.
Mrs. C: HELP ME!!!
Me: Okay... Did you check the manual?
Mrs. C: I did, but it's in Spanish.
Me: Wrong manual. I took the English version out of the box. It's on the table.
Mrs. C: Oh... *Goes and gets the manual* Can you fix it?
Me: Lemme see...
Mrs. C: You're not going to blog this, are you?

Isn't she precious? Anyway, I start looking through the tiny booklet when I suddenly come to a realization.

Me: Wait. This is a computer, after all. Did you try holding down the power button for 8 seconds?
Mrs. C: Huh?

I hold down the power button and, sure enough, in  8 seconds it powers down.

Me: It's how you reset most computers. You hold the button down for 8 to 10 seconds.
Mrs. C: You mean those 8 seconds was all it would have taken for me not to get busted?!

(Way to keep things in perspective, babe.)

Anyway, I power it back on and it boots up normally. I run a quick virus scan to see if anything shows up. It seems all is well. Unfortunately for my wife, that screenshot of the naked Brazilian flaunting her lady bits is added to her browser home screen's most viewed pages. Since we never figured out how to remove those screenshots, we have to wait until the browser replaces it with something else. Just as well. I think it'll make a great badge of shame to remind her of her folly.

Mrs. C: No more studying for me tonight. All this wore me out.
Me: I bet.
Mrs. C: Shut up!

A few minutes later we're both in bed.

Me: I can't believe you! Up at 1 in the morning watching porn.
Mrs. C: It. was. an. accident. Drop it! You know, though. Those movies really do have a way of turning you on... Hey... Vinny... You still awake?

So much for being worn out.
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27 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. That's exactly what I told her at first.

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  2. Funny enough to share with my hubby. At least she didnt fry it completely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad she didn't. And not just because I have the laptop mostly to myself now. She studies hard. She deserves it.

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  3. Your wife is too cute :) And also, apparently very kind, as she (hopefully) hasn't killed you for posting about what happened!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fine. I told her there was a cost to her being my muse. This is it.

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  4. Dude, finally! You can use this foreva'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or at least until I make a screw up of my own. Of course, it would have to be a truly monumental one.

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    2. Lucky for me that won't take too long :)

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  5. Bwaahahahaha! The freezer! That is so funny that it hurts. Seriously. My face hurts now, as I was laughing/smiling like a lunatic that just had her meds upped.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The woman brings joy to so many. I'm proud to play the part of just her lowly herald.

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  6. OMG! That was hilarious!!! Found you on the "Funnies" from My Half Assed Life.
    Visit me @ http://badwordmama.blogspot.com/

    -Ellen

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  7. Bwahahahaha!!! I love that she put it in the freezer lol

    Ah, the price you pay for living with a blogger...everything you do has the potential to become blog fodder

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    Replies
    1. I think that reality's finally starting to sink in for her.

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  8. Luckily, the temperature extremes didn't hurt it. Now that she knows how to fix it, you won't know when she ventures back to it.

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    Replies
    1. I'm hoping her guilty conscience will keep her on the straight & narrow. I'm not expecting it actually would, but there's always hope. Right?

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  9. Ha! #allswellthatendswell

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    Replies
    1. Yeah. Fortunately it was one of those incidents where everyone came got happy ending.

      Wait! That came out wrong...

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  10. Damn I love that woman! BTW love her cartoon drawing with her perfect booty. I think Mrs. C can create her own 'website' eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, she did try to get me to make a "movie" once & that was only because under the influence of Ambien. Which is why she doesn't take those anymore. They turn her into a freak on a whole different level.

      Don't tell her I told you that.

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  11. Just checked my iPad manual to see if it said anything about putting it in the freezer. Found nothing. I think you made the right call.

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    Replies
    1. Come to think of it... I never check the Galaxy Tab's manual about unfreezing the system by literally freezing it...

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  12. LOL! The freezer? Great story! At least you benefited!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to think we both got something out of the experience.

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