Friday, November 30, 2012

Let's Talk About Happier Things.

I haven't felt very bloggy lately. That's because I feel like I've been getting the crap kicked out of me by this thing called life. I mean, if it's not one thing, it's the other. I'm still unemployed (it's seven months now), Mrs. C's grandma Evie is in the hospital, school sucks big time this semester and I haven't been getting much sleep (the end result of some of the other problems I just mentioned).

I know I could go right on ahead and go through each one of my frustrations in painstaking detail, which is what I actually started doing to when I began typing up this post. This is my blog after all. What better place, right?

I will mention (briefly) that Evie is in the hospital after almost a week of debilitating pain. She would have gone in sooner but she's stubborn and hates taking medication, so she insisted on trying to handle it her own way. She finally asked us to take her when she couldn't handle the pain anymore. Her pain's not as bad now but it turns out she has an alarmingly large kidney stone that needs to be removed.

But as for the rest of things currently bothering me, yeah, I typed those up too. Then I stopped, I looked the post over and then I held down the backspace key until all that was left was that first paragraph.

Truth is, I'm tired of letting all those issues weigh me down and I don't want to bore you with them either. Instead, I think I'll just pick myself up and soldier on like always do. Sulking is tiring and very non-productive anyway. I'll focus on the things that make me happy for a change.

With that being said, we'll return to our regularly scheduled foolishness here on AVCI.

Next week.

Friday, November 23, 2012

New Post On Sprocket.

No words here. The funny stuff's HERE.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

His Mama Must Be So Proud.

Sometimes I meet people who truly restore my faith in humanity. People who, through acts of selflessness, kindness and self-sacrifice make me think there might be hope for us as a species after all.

This guy I'm about to tell you about isn't one of them.

********

Over the weekend, I was visiting my parents. Since I don't drive, I rely on public transportation to get me anywhere my own two feet can't take me and, as usual, I took the popular form of public transportation known as the maxi-taxi (privately owned minibuses that can hold 12 to over 30 passengers at a time). Soon after I got in, the driver stopped at a red light. I was in the front passenger seat, minding my own, when I noticed the driver turn around.

Driver: Give it to me. The owner will probably call to get it back.

Apparently, someone dropped his or her cell phone in his bus and he noticed the person who just got in picking it up in the rear-view mirror. This isn't uncommon. People lose cell phones all the time. My wife was a repeat offender when it came to losing cell phones. We never keep them safely put away, we're always texting, or surfing, or whatever. We keep them within easy reach just in case we're urgently called upon to perform some act of world-saving heroism... or respond to a funny status update or something. I'm not judging, I'm just as guilty as everyone else.

I was surprised and impressed that the driver was so considerate, though. There was one time some years ago I'll never forget. I was in another taxi and I saw the driver give the passenger in the front seat next to him (someone he knew personally) a phone he found on the seat (I may have told this story before, but I don't remember). That time, the driver only said, "You want it? Just switch the SIM card and it's all yours."

Anyway, I digress. I digress a lot. The driver I was travelling with this time wasn't one of those assholes, by all appearances. The passenger, however, was. He decided that the gods of good fortune had bestowed this cell upon him as a gift and he was not willing to give it up, despite repeated requests from the driver and other passengers.

Instead of doing the right thing, he argued, told the driver to, "Shut up and just drive the damn maxi!" and to, "Get off his case."

The driver refused to do either and they argued for about five more minutes before the asshole in question eventually decided it was less grief for him to (no, not give up the phone) exit and hop into another maxi that had just pulled up. We all watched him leave. Most of us shook our heads. He, however, just smiled because, as far as he was concerned, he had won.

I texted Mrs. C later that afternoon and told her what happened. Her response sums it up best.

Mrs. C: Wow! What a winner. His mama must be so... proud.

And you know what? She's right. He is a winner! At least he is here.

Congratulations to you, my friend! For putting a cell phone above your self-respect, you have prompted me to reach way into the archives and bestow upon you yet another special honor you so rightly deserve. You, sir, for your act of shamelessness, have earned the illustrious Tanned Hide*:
This I award to those well deserving of the public spanking their parents obviously failed to administer enough of when they were children. He's definitely earned this and my heartfelt disdain.

********

*I'm thinking of relaunching the blog award version of this I created once upon a time, this time with some minor rules to keep it interesting. I'm still undecided so if you love or hate the idea, let me know. Do people still even give out blog awards anymore? Anyway, maybe you'll help influence my decision.
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Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Fifth Pillow.

Dear Mrs. C:

I am writing this letter to once again draw your attention to an ongoing cause of irritation and discomfort which I still feel has not been adequately addressed. This cause of concern is, of course the fifth pillow on our bed.

While you may recall me making verbal mention of this point of contention in the past, I feel that my grievances have fallen on deaf ears as I am still, to this date, being negatively affected by the presence of this obstruction.

As I am sure you are well aware, at the commencement of our lifelong contractual partnership I was happy and satisfied with having but one pillow, while you yourself possessed three. While I did not understand the need for such lavish excess, I accepted this as your personal preference and left it at that. Following the merging of our lives, we soon worked our a satisfactory arrangement where your oldest (and presumably least comfortable) of the three pillows would take residence our newly purchased wicker chair. That allowed for a new pillow family of three to coexist in relative harmony on our bed.

You will also recall, that in the years since, I was forced to discard my pillow which I had owned since childhood and had outlived its viability and as such a replacement was subsequently sourced. You, around the same time, also decided to relinquish ownership of the oldest of your two oldest pillows - the one on the chair and and one of the two on the bed - leaving us on a level playing field with one each. However, not wanting to abandon your lifestyle of extravagance, chose to obtain a replacement as well. Thus, our pillow count remained at three.

Sadly, approximately four years ago, it became necessary to replace the aforementioned bed (a result of the combined efforts clumsy movers and persistent strain due to various other "activities"). We then opted for a more durable and comfortable memory foam model, which has served us well to date. To my chagrin, however, the manufacturers saw fit to include memory foam pillows as part of the purchase and our pillow count was increased to a whopping FIVE. Added to this, the wicker chair that had aided us in the past was no longer a viable option as we had donated said item to a relative. This left no place for the excess pillowage other than our new bed. This meant that you were back to three pillows while I, in turn, was forced to adapt to the use of two.

Arising out of this is the point of concern which I now wish to highlight at this time. Your insistence on having three pillows for yourself has proven to not only be excessive and selfish (I say this in consideration of all those out there currently without even one pillow to call their own), it is also very impractical. The fact is, you cannot and do not use all three pillows under your head as they were intended. This, I imagine, would be uncomfortable and bad for your neck. Instead, you opt to have the third pillow at your side.
The only purpose it then serves is in providing you with the convenience of having a pillow readily available when your frequent bouts of tossing and turning eventually angle you perpendicularly from your original starting position. Added to this, as most husbands and male companions who share a bed with their significant other will attest, there is already an unequal distribution of bed-space that all men must endure.
Over time, men have grown to accept this reality, and that in itself is not something with which I will bother taking issue. My mentioning of of this is only in relation to how this already unbalanced arrangement is further exacerbated by this interloping fifth pillow which permanently occupies space on the side of the bed (As outlined below):
As you can see, I am being made to pay the brunt of this cost.

All this leads me to call to your attention the repeated acts of displacement I must undergo when I am regularly forced out of bed during the twilight hours as you further encroach upon what little territory I am allowed to maintain. The most recent of these events has forced me to spend half the night on the couch in the living room, which, I might add, was a completely unsuccessful venture.

As I have stated earlier, this  is not the first time I have tried to draw this situation to your attention, however, your lack of action and overall dismissive nature in handling my grievance have forced me to elevate this matter to the next level, hence my preparation of this official notice. It is my hope that this action will prompt you in joining me on working toward an amicable solution, benefiting all parties.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you.

Vinny C

Husband

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Always Remember (Trust Issue).

While we trust they'll always have our best interests at heart...












This is exactly what makes it so easy for our significant others to screw with us.

Friday, November 2, 2012

But I Ask, Why NOT A Goalkeeping Toilet?

This little taste of weird from the land of Japan is too good not to share. The video clip below shows a wonder of Japanese ingenuity, which I'm sure you're bound to agree. It has been brought to us by two entities who share a dream, a passion... a name.

TOTO, said to be the world's largest toilet maker and toto, a soccer-related lottery agent (no relation), have teamed up to bestowed upon us...

The Super Great Toiler Keeper!
As you can see from the video, this marvel can not only turn its bowl in a full 180 degree motion, but it also shoots projectiles with lightening speed and pinpoint precision to deflect any oncoming target.

Of course, my first question when I saw this was, why make a toilet with motion sensors that can turn itself in different directions? But then I thought it would make it easy for anyone who has ever suffered a handover so bad, even lifting their head high enough to reach the bowl would equate to a herculean feat.

Why it would need shoot high-speed projectiles, however, remained a mystery to me.

But it turns out this merely a concept toilet, much like those concept cars at shows that they don't intend to hit the market for another ten years. In short, they just made it because they could.

I love Japan!