Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Funny Thing Happened In The Shoe Store One Day...

I often take my dry, cynical wit for granted. Mrs. C, who has known me for a number of years, has grown accustomed to it as well and, as such, normally isn't phased by my ability to crack wise in any given situation. And, since she's the person I talk to the most, it gives her even more reason not to notice half of what comes out of my mouth. So the end result: between the two of us, most my quips and comments go unnoticed.

Add an unsuspecting third party into the equation, though, and then things get interesting.

Case in point: Yesterday, I was out doing the usual chores while Mrs. C was getting some stuff for a small gospel concert at another church that she was asked her to sing in by a friend. I finished up my part and met her at a shoe store in the area she browsing through.

This went as you'd expect. She, being the shoe-diva that she is, basically wanted to check through the entire store, while I, being a typical husband, wanted to gouge my eyes out with some stilettos that were on display. Occasionally, she would draw my attention to a pair of shoes she wanted my opinion on, at which point, I would either try to formulate an opinion (usually in the form of a witty quip) or remind her that I was absolutely of no help in this area whatsoever.

Or both...

Anyway, while we were browsing, she took a sandal from off the wall display and showed it to me, once again asking what I thought. The entire surface of this particular piece of footwear was covered in small metal sequins and when she shook it, it sounded like a bag of coins.

"How would you sneak up on your enemies with all that noise?" I said casually.

Mrs. C dismissed my question without any response other than to put the sandal back on the wall display and continue her browsing. As I said, she's accustomed to me making statements like that. There's no need for her to respond because she knows that's just me.

The girl standing behind her, however, didn't get the memo about my sense of humor.

I didn't even notice her there. Not until my wife stepped back over to the wall to put the sandal back. If the "deer-in-the-headlights" look etched on her face wasn't enough of a tip-off, her failed attempt to not look at us was a dead giveaway.

That's when I even noticed what I had said. I can only assume that the fact I had said it so casually and Mrs. C dismissed it just as casually were enough to to make her notice. This moment was precious! For the agonizing seconds she just stood there, frozen over the shoe display table she was looking through, I could almost see the thought processes firing off in her brain.

"Did he just say..? What enemies could she have to sneak up on? Who is this woman?! Should I be thinking about my enemies when I buy shoes?"

As much as I enjoyed watching her squirm, I wondered if this was one of those statements comedian, Lewis Black, was talking about that could cause a person to have a brain aneurysm if they're allowed to let their minds run with it too long. So, not wanting to be responsible for the poor girl's death (I didn't know her well enough), I decided let her off the hook. When her eyes came back from Mrs. C to me, I gave her a reassuring smile to let her know I was just joking.

Have you literally seen the weight lifting off someone? She was hunched over that table the entire time and, finally, it was like she was able to straighten up. After she recovered, she went back to her own shoe shopping while I stepped over into a nearby section that was blocked by a partition so I could laugh my ass off.

Though she was literally in the middle of the scene that had just played out, Mrs. C never noticed a thing.

"That's what you get for listening in on someone else's conversation," she said,when I told her.

12 comments:

  1. Oh, this is story is so funny! I have been in that situation before. "Been there, done that."

    Also, that is why I wear quiet shoes. Enemies are everywhere.

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    1. Not one to brag, but I've totally freaked people out with my ability to suddenly appear behind them without warning.

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  2. See Mrs. C has a great sense of humor also, though she needs to get in the game a bit more. I would have responded to you right away by letting you know until the department fixes the loud click on my gun safety, everyone could hear me anyways. Now that would have caused an aneurysm for that poor girl.

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    1. I blame the shoe shopping for her lack of response. She gets very focused.

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  3. Obviously this lady didn't go to ninja school. Doesn't she understand the importance of a stealth kill? Geesh.

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    1. I don't know what they're teaching kids nowadays.

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  4. My wife has also become immune to what I like to call my golden comedic wit. Although, she calls it something else.

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    1. It's too bad too. They don't know what they're missing out on.

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  5. A guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do when he's stuck shopping with his wife.

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    1. If the trade-off is messing with people's minds, it almost makes it worth it.

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  6. What's the problem? I always consider my enemies while shoe shopping.

    I find it hilarious that she thought you were serious but then again, my husband used to update our shopping list whenever guests came over for the first time and stick it to the front of the fridge, making sure they had the chance to read it. It would read: rope, shovel, duct tape, gloves...

    He would then proceed to make little hints thoughout the evening about how they should join us for a drive out to this great spot in the middle of nowhere with the best view of the lights from the strip, making a point to note how secluded it is.

    We found it amusing but a lot of guests never came back over...I wonder why?

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    1. And now I know what to do the next time Mrs. C's uncle drops by for one of his way too long visits.

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