Monday, June 18, 2012

The Voices In My Head.

We all hear it. The voice that tell us we can be more, do more, be better, go further, push harder... That is the voice that drives us to go beyond our limitations and sometimes we can achieve greatness because it pushes when we think we don't have it in us to take that next step. Let's call that voice "Drive".

But then there is that voice that tells us the opposite. The voice of "Doubt". Doubt tries to convince us we can't go on. That whatever it is we're working towards isn't worth the effort. We'll hear it say, "Who are you fooling? You know you can't do this. Stop making a fool of yourself! Who are you trying to impress anyway?" He's an asshole.

Doubt is just as strong, sometimes even stronger than the Drive. Sometimes, all it takes is that that one split-second for it to whisper to you and all the strength and motivation you thought you had  when you first started seems to just vanish. Then everything falls apart. Unless Drive can come back and convince you to pick yourself back up again.

These two voices are forever warring inside my head. No matter what I'm doing, they're there. One example is when I'm at the gym. I'd be lifting weights when, all of a sudden...

Doubt: You can't make those last five. You know you can't! Look! You're doing it wrong. I'm sure you are. Hah! Three more? You aren't going to make it. Look how your are is shaking... Dude! Wait! I thing you pulled something!

Meanwhile, Drive is there too, screaming in the other ear.

Drive: C'mon! You can do it! You know you can! Just this last five, Vinny... now four... now three..!

They're both really annoying, to be honest, and sometimes I wish they'd just take it outside and settle things once and for all.





Then again, maybe not...

Nowadays, as I continue to deal with the harsh reality of once again being unemployed, I'm faced with not only the worry of mounting bills and the feeling of diminished self-worth, but their constant bickering as well.

Doubt will ask me why I'm still wasting my time with journalism after The Paper fired me, or tell me I'm a burden for not being able contributing to the finances. 

"Just sit there! Watch TV. Surf the web. What's the point of sending out all those applications? All you'll are more crickets!" Doubt will say. (He contradicts himself, I know. But, like I said, he's an asshole.)

At this point, the other guy, Drive, will then rebut with a, "Ignore him! You won't be a burden once you get out there and start working again. And you will start working again. Just keep trying." (It's even worse when he brings out his cheer squad to back him up.)

And those are just a few examples...

Still, as annoying as the voice of Doubt is, I can't totally ignore it. Left on its own, Drive can be pretty much an asshole too. He can push you to taking chances you shouldn't and going so far you end up going over the  proverbial (maybe even literal) edge. It might look good on one of those motivational quotes to say "throw caution to the wind", but that voice of Doubt can, on occasion, be a voice of reason that keeps you from crossing lines you know you shouldn't. The hard part is knowing just when he's right.

16 comments:

  1. Doubt always wins any battles in my head. I'm lazy! Quit, it tells me! You don't have enough motivation!

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    1. Laziness is usually my reason too.

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  2. So true. This whole 'being a writer' thing constantly has me wondering if Doubt is a voice of reason, or just being his douchey self again... it's rough man. You'll find work though, Doubt is wrong about that.

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    1. Thanks. And don't even get me started on the writing thing! It's always, "Don't hit 'Publish'! No one will read it. Even if they do read it, they'll think it's crap."

      I tell you,this guy never shuts up.

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  3. If I didn't hear doubt yammering on I would wonder if I was alive.

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    1. Don't know why Blogger routed your comment to spam.

      Anyway, yeah I guess, like it or not, we need these voices. Even doubt.

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  4. You explained this perfectly. I think we all struggle with those same two voices. I understand the wanting to be confident, but realistic at the same time. It's maddening trying to find that balance.

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    1. They both make strong points. The confident voice makes the danger seem so cool, but the careful one makes a good point about the possibility of a broken arm or bruised ribs.

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  5. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And everything about education is worthwhile.

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    1. I couldn't agree more. That's why no matter what, nothing (be it a voice or a controlling employer) is making me give up on school.

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  6. I have those conversations in my head all the time too. Even when I'm just trying to figure out which cereal to have for breakfast.

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    1. I know what you mean. It's either, "Bran flakes?! What? Are you trying to eat healthy? Like that'll last!" or "That one has too much sugar! You know you're gonna hate yourself later."

      Then I fry some bacon. No one complains...

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  7. Dude, this is good stuff! You've taken a universal feeling and made it personal, funny, relatable, and in your own voice. Not everybody can do that.

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    1. Thanks. Making myself the focal point is what I do best.

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  8. Oh my gawd I am so exactly here right now and it's giving me the worst paralysis. You explained it just right!

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    Replies
    1. The paralysis caused by all the indecision is what bugs me the most.

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