As you may or may not know, Mrs. C and I don't have children. We've been working on it for a few years and progress has been slow. I won't go into details about the cause, but Mrs. C's gynecologist is confident that this current round of treatment could have some positive results.
She's been seeing this particular doctor for some time and, of course, I've been going along for moral support. Or, as Mrs. C explained it to me:
Mrs. C: Other women are there with their husbands and if you think your only job is to stick a baby in there and you're done, you've got another thing coming, buddy! Now get dressed and let's go!
She can be very persuasive.
Anyway, she also wanted me there because her doctor is a man and she felt he enjoyed his job way too much. So my real purpose was to keep the good doctor focused on his job and not the-um-work site.
Two weeks ago we were sitting in his office. The doc told us she had remarkable progress and it was time to get the ball rolling.
Then he turned to me...
Doc: Now let's talk about you.
Me: Me? No, you got it all wrong. I'm just a spectator. Only here for moral support.
Doc: It makes no sense that we're going through all this only to find out you need help too. Agreed?
Me: I guess...
Doc: That's why I'm sending you to get some tests done.
Mrs. C: Relax, I'm sure it's nothing. For the greater good. Remember?
I'm one of those guys who hates getting tests of any kind done, for fear finding out there's something horribly wrong with me and I'm about to suffer a slow, agonizing death. Perfectly natural, right?
Anyway all the doc wanted me to do a sperm test and said I'd have to come back after I visited the lab to get it done. Then he said we had to abstain from sex for 3 - 4 days before I went.
Mrs. C: Huh?
Days went by and soon the next appointment was coming up. Mrs. C reminded me about the test with enough time and the abstinence began. It was tense around the house for few days but we managed to not kill each other.
Finally, I went to the lab. The first thing I noticed was that the staff were all female. I found this somewhat unnerving. I met with the doctor there. She took me into her office and gave me a sealed plastic cup. She told me I had two options: 1) take the cup, go home, do my "thing" and be back in 45 minutes after I was done. 2) just get it over with there and now in a small room in the back.
Being lazy, I chose the second option.
Alone, in the room I started to look around. I held up the cup and looked at it.
Me: Am I supposed to fill this whole thing? It's huge!
Also Me: I don't think so. Let's get this over with.
Me: I wonder how many other people have used this room? (*takes hand off counter*)
Also Me: EW! Don't think about that! Let's just get out of here already!
Me: Hold on. Maybe I should wait a little. I don't the doctor to get the wrong idea...
Also Me: Are you kidding me! What the hell difference does it make?
Me: I'm just sayin'... Anyway, why doesn't that wall go all the way up? The sound carries too well. I mean, right now I can hear high heels clicking on the tiles. Wait! Is that her? Is she outside waiting on me? Why is she pacing outside the door? Doesn't she have anything else to do?
Also Me: Well the man in charge is a pervert. It only makes sense...
Me: You know know what? Maybe I should just get this over with.
Also Me: About damn time...
Not too long after that the deed was done. I hold up the cup again.
Me: That's it?
Also Me: Wow! That's pathetic.
Me: After four days... That's all? It's barely even reaching the first notch on the side.
Also Me: Look, just forget it and let's go.
Me: Maybe if waited a few minutes I could try again and add some more.
Also Me: Ha! Good one!
Me: It could happen!
The debate ended and I went back into her office. She took the cup labeled it and I paid and left. The results were to be faxed directly to Mrs. C's doctor so I don't know them. All the same, I still hate tests.