Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Me, Myself & A Sterile Cup.

As you may or may not know, Mrs. C and I don't have children. We've been working on it for a few years and progress has been slow. I won't go into details about the cause, but Mrs. C's gynecologist is confident that this current round of treatment could have some positive results.

She's been seeing this particular doctor for some time and, of course, I've been going along for moral support. Or, as Mrs. C explained it to me:

Mrs. C: Other women are there with their husbands and if you think your only job is to stick a baby in there and you're done, you've got another thing coming, buddy! Now get dressed and let's go!

She can be very persuasive.

Anyway, she also wanted me there because her doctor is a man and she felt he enjoyed his job way too much. So my real purpose was to keep the good doctor focused on his job and not the-um-work site.

Two weeks ago we were sitting in his office. The doc told us she had remarkable progress and it was time to get the ball rolling.

Then he turned to me...

Doc: Now let's talk about you.
Me: Me? No, you got it all wrong. I'm just a spectator. Only here for moral support.
Doc: It makes no sense that we're going through all this only to find out you need help too. Agreed?
Me: I guess...
Doc: That's why I'm sending you to get some tests done.
Me: *Sigh*
Mrs. C: Relax, I'm sure it's nothing. For the greater good. Remember?

I'm one of those guys who hates getting tests of any kind done, for fear finding out there's something horribly wrong with me and I'm about to suffer a slow, agonizing death. Perfectly natural, right?

Anyway all the doc wanted me to do a sperm test and said I'd have to come back after I visited the lab to get it done. Then he said we had to abstain from sex for 3 - 4 days before I went.

Me: Huh?
Mrs. C: Huh?

Days went by and soon the next appointment was coming up. Mrs. C reminded me about the test with enough time and the abstinence began. It was tense around the house for few days but we managed to not kill each other.

Finally, I went to the lab. The first thing I noticed was that the staff were all female. I found this somewhat unnerving. I met with the doctor there. She took me into her office and gave me a sealed plastic cup. She told me I had two options: 1) take the cup, go home, do my "thing" and be back in 45 minutes after I was done. 2) just get it over with there and now in a small room in the back.

Being lazy, I chose the second option.

Alone, in the room I started to look around. I held up the cup and looked at it.

Me: Am I supposed to fill this whole thing? It's huge!
Also Me: I don't think so. Let's get this over with.
Me: I wonder how many other people have used this room? (*takes hand off counter*)
Also Me: EW! Don't think about that! Let's just get out of here already!
Me: Hold on. Maybe I should wait a little. I don't the doctor to get the wrong idea...
Also Me: Are you kidding me! What the hell difference does it make?
Me: I'm just sayin'... Anyway, why doesn't that wall go all the way up? The sound carries too well. I mean, right now I can hear high heels clicking on the tiles. Wait! Is that her? Is she outside waiting on me? Why is she pacing outside the door? Doesn't she have anything else to do?
Also Me: Well the man in charge is a pervert. It only makes sense...
Me: You know know what? Maybe I should just get this over with.
Also Me: About damn time...

Not too long after that the deed was done. I hold up the cup again.

Me: That's it?
Also Me: Wow! That's pathetic.
Me: After four days... That's all? It's barely even reaching the first notch on the side.
Also Me: Look, just forget it and let's go.
Me: Maybe if waited a few minutes I could try again and add some more.
Also Me: Ha! Good one!
Me: It could happen!

The debate ended and I went back into her office. She took the cup labeled it and I paid and left. The results were to be faxed directly to Mrs. C's doctor so I don't know them. All the same, I still hate tests. 

42 comments:

  1. I freak out every time I go to the doctor thinking about what the people in the room before me had, did, or touched!! You are a good man to have been able to complete your mission! Good luck with the baby-makin! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even with plenty of "practice", it took some effort.

      Delete
  2. I'm sure you came through *snicker* with flying colors. As awkward as that may have been, I think that a test involving masturbation beats *snicker* having a pervert ogle the "work site" while on the job!

    Good luck with the baby making. Keep up *snicker* the practicing!

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    Replies
    1. Guess you could say that, when it mattered, I rose to the occasion.

      Delete
  3. It's never fun to have someone inspecting your private parts or stuff. Glad you are along for moral support and realize that what your wife is doing is probably as uncomfortable or more so than what you have to do to play along for the greater good.

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  4. I've always thought that would be uncomfortable. Luckily, I've never had to do it, and hopefully never do.

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  5. Ever saw the movie "Road Trip"? couldn't help but think about that. I love your dialogue between me and also me. Did you know I have an also me in me? Do you have another me too? I think I have 3 me's.

    When do you get wind of the results? Hope you got kickers... I'm rooting for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's inner child me. He wants candy & tacos. All. the. time.

      Delete
  6. I'm really glad I waited to read this until lunch - I just made that stupid snort laugh sound.

    Anyhow, good luck with all of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I made that sound t-

      Um, never mind.

      Delete
    2. Yep, I think that would fall under TMI.

      Delete
  7. Don't we all worry about the judgement of a doctor? Even though they've seen much worse, less, smaller, grotesquely deformed, or spectactularly beautiful, we still think that somehow whatever we have going on with ourselves will somehow get this doctor, hopefully a professional, to raise an eyebrow.
    Very funny story.

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    Replies
    1. It's ego, I think. We want to think our "thing" will be more special than the rest.

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  8. A test you've been studying for most of your life, I'm sure. :-)

    Pearl

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    Replies
    1. More years than I can remember. It's been even easier since Mrs. C became my "study" buddy.

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  9. Your inner dialogue while holding the cup is absolutely hilarious haha. *takes hand off counter*

    Laughter aside, I hope the test goes well and you and your missus are able to conceive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Things are really looking good so we hope to get good news soon.

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  10. I have never had to do that, but have always imagined it would be very uncomfortable.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, it isn't so bad. Once you get past the fact that people actually *know* you're masturbating and waiting for you to finish... in the next room.

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  11. Hubby had to do that to when we did IVF..but he also had to have a needle in his Balls. I never hear the end of that experience...*rolls eyes*

    Good luck with the test.. I know all too well how heartbreaking trying to have a baby can be :(

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    Replies
    1. For a needle in the balls, he deserves to complain. Eek!

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  12. This is where the little guys are wondering: "Where the f are we?"

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bet they never expected a room with a view.

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  13. my husband had to do that. it made for a really great story later, though it's one he won't tell.
    i hope your results come back better than ours did. on the good side, our results were crap, but we ended up conceiving without medical help even after we were told we were hopeless.
    happy banging!

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    Replies
    1. That's encouraging. Let's hope for the best.

      Delete
  14. Make it happen, Vinny!
    One will assume there was a fine assortment of magazines and videos, possibly from the vintage 70s, to aid in your performance?
    I mean, porn. Did they have porn?

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    Replies
    1. Oddly, no. They really dropped the ball there. Maybe Dr. Pervo keeps taking them.

      Delete
  15. Let's see. You have lived under a rock and it never occurred to you that the way they portray those on television is accurate? Yeah I honestly think that the reason they make that particular test so uncomfortable for men is because women have annual spelunking adventures with a speculum.

    Seriously your wife will go through worse, so be a big boy and go on! I am proud of you though! It is hard being a boy I know. I have tried but I like my tits too much! Not really but it sounded good for a second.

    **Golf clap**

    www.sweetydarlin.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm beginning to sense that the main point of the story is getting lost... ME!

      KIDDING!

      Seriously, I do appreciate what my wife has to endure for not only her own good but for the both of us. That's why I try not to make things harder on her by being selfish... Note I did say "try".

      Delete
  16. We're in the midst of the process now. You'll have lots more dates with the sterile cup in the months to come. You might want to invest in some disinfecting wipes for the sample collection room. As for your lovely wife? This is what she's in for:

    http://www.lifewithaparasite.com/2012/01/begin-to-start.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. The wife's always up for anything instructional. As for the sterile cup adventures, sigh...

      Delete
  17. It's funny how it's OK to do that in a small room at the doctor's office but do it in a closet at work and all of sudden HR has to get involved.

    P.S. It took my wife and I over two years to conceive our first with numerous doctor visits. But only one month for the second without any. The human body just doesn't make any sense.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! It's like they think worst things don't get done in the men's room stall.

      Delete
  18. "The work-site" = especially hilarious.
    Good luck to you and your Mrs.

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  19. I am the same way with doctors and tests. If I don't go or agree to tests, I don't know anything is wrong. It's a much better way to live.

    Good luck with the baby adventure!

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  20. That really does suck that you didn't have real privacy.

    It'd be so odd having to - uh - finish the job in a strange place with a bunch of women lurking outside. Or maybe that's hot? I don't know.

    And the Mrs.' doctor sounds pretty creepy. Ick.

    StephanieC

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  21. HAHA you must be really young or newlyweds if you thought it was a hardship not to have sex for 3-4 days!!!!! When my husband had his vasectomy, the doctor told him he needed a sperm sample after 10 ejaculations to make sure there were no swimmers left. My husband told the doc that would take us old married folks almost a year to complete that task!!!!!

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  22. Wishing you 'luck'? Did you have a map of Japan with you?

    ReplyDelete

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