Thursday, March 29, 2012

Well... Isn't That Lovely?

Real life (or 'RL' as all us cool kids call it) has been kicking my ass for over a week now. Between battling the cold, back-to-back 10 hour work days and midterms, I haven't had the physical or mental energy to do much more than sleep in my spare time. Then came the writer's block.

But I've recovered from the cold (mostly), my work schedule has gone back to normal and midterms are over. Plus, I'm writing, so I guess that's something. So as soon as I can get some sleep, I should be back to my old self.

Anyway, that enough about me, let's talk about... me... I guess. More specifically about the blog award I got.
Isn't it lovely? By the way, yes, I did say that out loud in my Marvin the Martian voice. Brett from The Transformed Non-Conformist passed this baby onto me.

When I saw that I got it, I showed it to Mrs. C who just walked into the room.

Mrs. C: A what?
Me: Blog award.
Mrs. C: What's it for?
Me: You get it when someone appreciate's your blog.
Mrs. C: Oh, that's nice.
Me: Yeah. Now all I have to do is share 7 things about myself.
Mrs. C: Why?
Me: Because those are the rules. Awards usually have rules. With this one I have to share 7 things about myself.
Mrs. C: Oh! So you get to talk about yourself even more. Now I see why you're enjoying this so much.
Me: Plus, I have tag 15 other people.
Mrs. C: What them?
Me: "Tag" them. I have to pass the award on to them.
Mrs. C: Oh... Okay. Wow! And you're always giving me flack for forwarding chain-mail.
Me: It's not chain-mail!
Mrs. C: Uh-huh...
Me: Well, you're not a blogger so you won't get it.
Mrs. C: No, I guess not.


Hmph! Chain-mail!

Anyway, here are 7 (more) facts about me:


1) I scoff at conspiracy theorists. It's not because I don't believe them. It's just that I think they worry about the wrong things. So what if secret societies run the world's Governments from the shadows? Do we really want those jokers running the show unsupervised? Aliens exist and have abducting our people? At lease they're only interested in hillbillies. I think there are greater issues to look into. I've already shared one of the items from my own conspiracy list, but here's another:

Secret Paranoid Suspicion# 8 - All the petty, seemingly random annoyances that happen through the day are not random. They're all orchestrated and coordinated in an effort to keep me from having one of those 'really great days' I always here people talking about. I don't know who's behind it or why, but I will find you some day, and we're going to have a long talk.

2) I think I may have discovered what my super power is. I believe I might have the power to become invisible, or at least translucent. Only, it happens without my knowing and, generally, in large crowds. This is the only explanation I have for why people insist on walking into and/or suddenly stopping in front of me.

Case in point: The other day I walking through one of the downtown malls to get to work and I this very pregnant woman, who was walking in the opposite direction suddenly swerved right in front of me and stopped to look at something in a show window. In that 1/2 second I had to make a decision. I could a) veer right and throw myself into the same shop window that she was looking at, b) veer left and hit the glass showcase of a kiosk in the middle of the corridor, c) continue on and crash into said pregnant woman or d) try to stop in time.

Naturally, I chose option d as a and b would have resulted in serious harm to my person and as for c, that's the worst option of all. If I had run into the pregnant lady, it wouldn't matter if she was wrong or not. She'd have the public on her side and I'd be the careless asshole that wasn't looking where he was going. Let's be real, no matter what, when it's you versus a pregnant woman, you always lose. My sudden stop caused a ten pedestrian pileup that almost made the evening news that day. Luckily, a politician did something bordering on controversial and the story got buried.

3) I learned about sex at an moderately early age from the large selection of porn my dad kept in a box in a bedroom cabinet. You see, after his video rental club folded he brought a lot of his video cassettes home. Added to this, after I got home from school I had the entire house to myself for hours since my father had to work two jobs and my mother normally spent the afternoons with her sisters who lived not too far away. My two younger sisters would normally go there after school too.

I was 11. I was bored. I had the house to myself and decided to rummage through my parents stuff. I've always been meticulous about putting things back exactly how I found them so I know I'd never get caught. I wasn't searching for too long before I came upon this cardboard box. As I opened it the odd stench of guilt and shame filled my nostrils. Then there was this strange music, very faint. it sounded like "bom-chicka-wah-wah". I looked inside. What I found was more 70's porn than it should have been legal to have all in one place.

You can imagine how the months that followed went. But I don't recommend you try to imagine it...

No, seriously! Stop it!

4) I mask the fact that the scenes in horror movies where someone may be about to get killed will sometimes usually freak me out a little lot. I do this by a) pretending I'm adjusting my seating position during a suspenseful moment to give myself an excuse to look away from the screen, b) focusing all my energy on remaining perfectly still and not jumping out of my chair when the killer/alien/monster suddenly shoved its blade/claws through the slutty blonde's rib cage from behind and she looks down to see her beating heart being held in front her chest before it stops and she dies...

I may not sleep tonight.

5) I can talk in a few accents. I'm told I'm pretty good too. I've been practicing since I was a teenager and I can pull off decent Scottish, French, Russian and Irish accents. I'd give you a few examples but, unfortunately, it seems I suck at writing in accents. Too bad.

6) There isn't a woman on this plant that can make me cheat on my wife. Even Mrs. C knows it. She even said so in a telephone conversation we had last year.

Mrs. C: Oh, please! We both know that unless she's an alien, android who came back from the future, you won't even think about cheating.
Me: I..! You're probably right.

I couldn't think of an argument against her logic back then, and I still can't.

7) One day, years ago, I was in the shower and the thought popped into my head, "What if I pull this shower curtain and there's a zombie on the other side?"

That question bugged me for some days after that until I finally worked out a viable escape plan and determined exactly what items in the shower caddy could penetrate a skull if enough force was applied.

I adjusted that plan to our new place and still stand by it today.

As for the 15 people I'm supposed to tag, no!

Come on! you really want to put me through that?

Fine! But I say 5 works just fine. So, in no particular order:

Q
dbs

There! I'm done. I officially declare this bout of writers block over. Now... I'm going to bed.

20 comments:

  1. Aw I blog lovers you too!

    The only person you would step over Mrs. C for is Japan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe that's why she isn't too keen on us visiting.

      Delete
  2. Hey Scottish (accent) bro. Thanks.
    porn sound effect = hilarious

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aye! That it is.

      Sorry. Told you I suck at writing in an accent.

      Delete
  3. Thanks for the blog award! I will also take advantage of the opportunity to speak even more about myself. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only a blogger could truly understand.

      Delete
  4. Congrats on the award. Well deserved!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey! Congratulations! And thank you. I think your Superpower of invisibility is true but wonky because your blog only shows up in my reader 1/3 of the time.

    Also, re. #7, me too. Shaving my legs or practicing with my weapon? I'll never tell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eek! My power extends over the interwebz?!

      Delete
  6. Congrats! You totally rock the bloggin' world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why, thank you. I catered for the inevitable motion sickness with that disclaimer up top about causing nausea.

      Delete
  7. Favorite parts of this post are as follows:

    let's talk about... me... I guess.

    Me: Well, you're not a blogger so you won't get it.
    Mrs. C: No, I guess not.

    b) veer left and hit the glass showcase of a kiosk in the middle of the corridor (although I think you should have swerved and hit up against the glass a little, just to show her what she'd done).

    what items in the shower caddy could penetrate a skull if enough force was applied. (I know what I'm doing next time I'm in the shower).

    The whole thing was hilarious, but those were high points for me. Thanks for sharing. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you have a loofah with a long plastic handle? That will work best. Also, you may not know this but as zombies are in a constant state of decay, their bones can easily be broken/penetrated. Even the plastic head of a shampoo bottle can do the job with a little extra force. Otherwise, as Tumbleweed said, the handle of a razor, straight through the eye can reach the brain easily...

      In theory, I mean.

      Delete
  8. Congrats on the award!

    I've started to print the bloggie awards I get, and put them on the refrigerator with a magnet. My girlfriend just rolls her eyes...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your random collection about yourself makes a great post.
    High five on number 6, although Mrs. C is wrong, androids???

    What is the plan for the psycho zombie shower scene? Just scientific curiosity. Really. *ahem*

    Thank you, Vinny. Horrible blogger that I currently am, anticipated reciprocation will take about 6 months. We apologize for the delay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right?! Everyone knows in the future Japan would have perfected genetically enhanced cat-girls.

      As for the zombie plan, the space is cramped so gain as much distance as you can. They reflexes suck so they won't dodge s good kick to the chest. After that you have time to grab one of the aforementioned weapons.

      Delete
  10. I betcha when you said "one lovely blog" it was with a British accent. Lovely just doesn't come out well in Irish or French... And yes, very lovely indeed! Congrats on the award! heh heh heh chain mail. What does SHE know? heh heh heh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes... yes I did use a British accent.

      As for chain-mail. What was she thinking? Blog awards don't promise 7 years of good luck for passing them on, or 100 years of bad luck if you don't.

      That's actually not a bad idea for a blog award, though.

      Delete

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