WARNING!!! This one's not for those who believe that people shouldn't have or express beliefs. If the mere mention (And believe me, the mentioning is mere) of one's personal beliefs fills you with indignation, please skip this one and wait till the next post comes out. Oh, and it's a kinda boring and rambling too. Just so you know:
We all have that one thing that haunts us. That aspect of our personalities we dread. It fills us with self-loathing and self-doubt. It makes us question ourselves. It derails us and distracts us from our goals. It causes us to go into a dark, desolate place within ourselves. If you say you don't then you're either lying or not human.
For some it can be fueled from something external. An addiction to something like smoking, alcohol, drugs, food, pornography, sex. Sometimes, it isn't external at all but from something within. Those are hard to define and sometimes even harder to fight. Either way, it's something we try to keep on a short leash not just because, deep down inside, we believe it is wrong, but because once we allow ourselves to come near that vice again we KNOW we'll just end up slipping down a steep slope that would be hard to claw our way back from.
I don't really know what to call mine. Lack of motivation, indiscipline I've never been able to place my finger on it. All I know is that it's effects have proven to be very destructive in my life in the past. I lose focus, make mistakes or become distracted. I procrastinate or make excuses. Nothing gets done. I don't move forward. I don't follow through or stay the course. It doesn't seem like much compared to other people's problems but this is my foe. I fight against this dark monster within myself constantly. Over the years, I've come to know his tricks.
But these enemies know us just as well. They know when to strike. They attack when defenses our are down. They don't forcibly try to take over. Instead, they sneak in subtly. They say just the right things to lure you into giving in to them. When things are going wrong and problems arise, they make their move. They can make us feel like we're returning to a safe familiar place or like we're taking something back for ourselves or getting revenge. Just as bad is when things are going too well, there they are. Only now they tell us it's okay to indulge. We're earned it. They'll say whatever we need to hear to give in.
That's how the devil works, right?
If you know me, then you're still reading after that last line. Like I said when I first showed up here almost seven months ago, I'm not here to preach any sermons to anyone. That's never been what this blog was about. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do with your lives or judge you. I'm just trying to find my own way through this mess just like you guys.
That out of the way, I am a christian and, as such I can't help but see this similarity. You may or may not be a believer in such things but this is exactly what I've been taught. What I believe. If it's more comfortable to avoid any religious connotations, fine. But the simple fact remains that, when we do give in, we aren't really taking anything back. If anything, we lose more than we gain. And no matter who we may hurt in the process (Intentionally or otherwise), we always end up doing the most damage to ourselves.
However one chooses to deal with (Let's call it) one's personal devil, be it prayer, therapy, blogging, all/none of the above, there is one thing that I've learned. The worst mistake you can make is to forget they're there or underestimate them. No matter how far you fight them back, they're always there. Always waiting for the next opportunity to strike. You always have to fight them off.
As for me, I'll do what I have to to keep fighting mine.